Thank you, Johnny Zots, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we remembered the thing our mothers used to say when we went to bed: “Good night. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.” We used to believe childhood was such an innocent time…
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The Daily Me Staff
Democracy Ain’t Nothin’ But A Word On Fancy Paper Now
The Poor Know What Time It Is
You don’t need political scholars
To tell you the Chamber of Commerce
Spends big anonymous dollars
For media hollers
For candidates wearing their collars
News at eleven
They don’t want fair play
They want free airplay
They want politics done their way
While they tee off on the fairway
They bought and paid for the stairway
To heaven
Now, the spending
Is never ending
While their money the rich are sending
To the Chamber, the polls are trending
To the pols they’re friending
This ain’t 1777
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/555.html]
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Can You Spot The Twist In The Logic?
An American study has found that teenage children of lesbian mothers report a zero per cent rate of physical abuse. Zero per cent.
These findings are disastrous. I mean, for the children. How are they supposed to compete on the playground with children from abusive homes who have learned how to defend themselves against physical attacks? Children from non-abusive homes are just sitting ducks for the bullies who have straight parents. Clearly, lesbian mothers are not capable of preparing their children for life in the real world.
Besides, what’s wrong with a little physical abuse? It builds character. I was thrashed daily when I was an adolescent, and, except for a morbid fear of Count Chocula cereal, I’m perfectly normal. Well, that and a rabid desire to send other people’s children to war. But, to my way of thinking, that should be perfectly normal!
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec1oeca-b6e6-4c08-bf9b-06b657bd48ff]
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Well, Humanish…
Under pressure from Tea Party members of his caucus, Republican Senate leader Mitch McConnell has backed down from his opposition to eliminating earmarks. You could say that McConnell blinked.
If so, it was the first time anybody had seen McConnell blink in his decades in politics. Good to see that he is human.
SOURCE: The Lefty Hipp-Starr Show
[http://www.msnobc.msn.com/id/26716288/]
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Show And Mattel Time
Tzvi Erez, who was accused of running a Ponzi scheme that bilked more than 70 investors out of as much as $27 million, has had all fraud charges against him dropped. Part of the reason, the lawyer for one of his victims claimed, was that the case was too complex for overburdened Ontario courts to properly deal with.
To commemorate the event, Mattel is planning on releasing a new Barbie doll. Dressed in judicial robes, this Barbie will say, “Criminal justice is hard.”
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1080231837513&call_pageid=911339428492&col=968000972157]
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Comedy Is When Your Enemy Has His Identity Stolen
Tragedy Is When You Accidentally Erase An Inconsequential Email
Okay, let me start by saying that I did not send emails to major leftie news outlets claiming that Rupert Murdoch looked more and more like a Shar Pei while acting more and more like an out of control Rottweiler. If anything, I would have said he looked like a bulldog, which is a more Churchillian breed of dog. Sure, the emails came from rabidbill@foxinews.com, but it was spelled with an ‘i,’ not a ‘y,’ and, in any case, I haven’t used that name in my email address in years. My email address is now foamingatthemouthbill@foxynews.com, although I suppose I’ll have to change it again now that I’ve blabbled it all over the airwaves. The point is that somebody, some punk has…has…played a trick on me by taking my name in vain. It was a stupid stunt, a childish prank intended to make me look bad, and it was in very poor taste. Very poor taste, indeed.
Now, if it had happened to Keith Olbermann…
SOURCE: The O’Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2773,91147,06.html]
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Surprise? Only For The Troops
The conversation on Afghanistan:
ONE YEAR AGO
CONSERVATIVES: We supported the war in Afghanistan – hell, we supported the war in Iraq – but it doesn’t appear to be popular with the Canadian people, so we’re going to end our commitment and pull the troops out in 2011.
LIBERALS: You wha? Oh. Okay. Well…we would be betraying our allies and our principles if we didn’t keep our troops in Afghanistan long enough to finish the war we’ve been a part of since it started.
SIX MONTHS AGO
CONSERVATIVES: Well, gosh, we’re in favour of a muscular foreign policy that includes supporting just wars, like the one in Afghanistan, but, gee, we did kind of tell the Canadian people that we would be pulling our troops out of that country in 2011, so we kind of have to do that. Right?
LIBERALS: Keeping our troops in Afghanistan in some capacity is the right thing to do. We call upon the Conservative government to reconsider its commitment to withdrawal.
TODAY
CONSERVATIVES: Okay, to hell with what we promised the Canadian people. We’re going to extend the mission in Afghanistan until 2014.
LIBERALS: But, we made commitments to our NATO all – you wha?
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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It Could Happen To You!
Eight ways you know you are addicted to vegetable gardening:
1. Loved ones complain that they can always smell compost on your breath.
2. Thoughts of how well your zucchini are doing are interfering with your concentration at work.
3. You would rather be turning up the ground and planting spinach than making love to your spouse.
4. You wake up in bed next to open bags of fertilizer, and you have no idea how they got there.
5. You wake up in the garden next to the carrot patch, and you have no idea how you got there.
6. Your friends and family have been dropping GA (Gardeners Anonymous) leaflets around your house, hoping that you will pick one up and, reading it, get the hint that you need help.
7. You hide trowels in various places around your house so you will never be too far away from one and, in a worst case scenario, your loved ones won’t be able to find them all.
8. Sitting in a restaurant, you can’t pay attention to what your dinner partner is saying because you keep imagining how the vegetables in everybody else’s salad were grown.
SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2010/November/Love_That_Dare_Not_Eat_Its_Name.asp]
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