Thank you, Beatrice of Planisolles, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we imagined what it would be like to be in the middle of a pincer movement between rows of beefy, well-armed riot police. Oooh, stroke us there with your baton, big boys! We love it when you tase us there! It hurts sooooo goooood! Of course, some civil libertarian type will inevitably burst in on our fantasy and demand that we be given our freedom of assembly and speech.
Killjoys.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Best Not To Leave Any Paper Trail
Lest You Wind Up In A Jail
All For the Love of a Pro Rogue
Once upon a time, there was a woman named Helena
Who was famous for yellin’ at
An airport security guard.
She met a suave young thing
Who went by the name of Rachim
And she fell for him, fell for him real hard.
Love blossomed for the two MPs.
Then Rachim whispered in Helena’s ear, “Dear, please
Help me with a little business venture.”
Helena’s part in the plot was murky,
Although it became increasingly clear Rachim was a turkey
Who deserved Parliamentary (and possibly legal) censure.
Whether real or just to impress,
Rachim claimed he could gain access
To men in the highest echelons of power
For his business associates.
When caught in the open, they abandoned him – the ingrates! –
And his political fortunes began to sour
Please pity poor Helena G.,
Who insisted, “This has nothing to do with me.
I know nothing about the wrong dealings of my husband!”
Unfortunately, the Prime Minister decided to take no chances –
He does not want her in caucus under any circumstances.
Now, for loving too much, she is a pariah across the land!
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/521.html]
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Nobody Likes An Armchair Riot Control Squad Sergeant
Five hundred people were arrested over the weekend protesting the G20 summit in Toronto. Only 500 people? Really? Given that there were over 12,000 police officers, that’s only 0.0416 protestors arrested per policeman. Clearly, somebody was slacking off!
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-3c07-bf8b-07b546cc48ec]
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I’ll Believe It When I See Astral In Full Leather Gear And Harness
Astral Media, owner of many television stations, is trying out a new slogan: “We love what you love.” Really? I love scratching my butt when nobody is looking – do you love that, too?
I love that thing my wife does with her tongue when we’re in bed – still loving with me, Astral?
I love making fun of meaningless corporate slogans. Are you tough enough to love that, too, or is this where we part company?
I think somebody needs to assess how much they love their ad agency.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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I Have No Sympathy For People Who Have No Sympathy
I have no sympathy for journalists who were arrested at the G20 summit.
Seriously: reporters and photographers were sent into the streets of Toronto equipped with helmets and gas masks. Clearly, these reporters and photographers were looking for trouble. I mean, if they were completely innocent, why would they be wearing helmets and gas masks?
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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Who Is Left?
Pancreatic cancer has claimed the life of Toronto indie film and theatre actor Tracy Wright. That just seems wrong.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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He Wasn’t Expecting The Canadian Inquisition?
The day before the G20 started, Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair announced that the province had passed a new law that empowered security forces to stop people outside the security fence and arrest them if they did not show ID when asked for it. Imagine Howard Reingeleider’s surprise when this happened to him.
He was walking along Sheppard Street towards Yonge.
“Yeah, well, hee hee,” Blair responded to the news, “when you have 12,000 law officers in one place, some of them may get…over-zealous. Still, if this guy – Ringleader, was it? – wasn’t up to something, why didn’t he show his ID when asked?”
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1087761831813&call_pageid=
968318078492&col=968000972154]
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Flipping Republicans The Byrd
Robert Byrd, the longest sitting Senator in the history of Congress, has died at the age of 92. In his long…incredibly long career, Byrd took many stands, often contradictory. In the 1960s, for example, he opposed civil rights legislation, but since the 1980s he has been wholeheartedly in favour of civil rights. What is the legacy of this complex and fascinating politician?
WHO CARES? What we really want to know is: what is going to happen to President Obama’s pro-kitten legislation without Byrd’s vote? Will he still be able to get the 60 votes he needs to pass a Senate cloture vote, or will the anti-kitten Republicans be able to kill the bill?
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2010June28.html]
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Sometimes You Have To Read Between The Lines To Find The Real Story
Over 600 people were arrested in anarchic rioting outside the G20 summit in Toronto. Dozens of Black Bloc protestors smashed the windows of buildings and set police cars on fire.
As many as 10,000 Torontonians marched in peaceful protests downtown. They objected to the fact that the meeting, whose decisions would affect most of the people on the planet, were being held behind closed doors. As details of what was being decided leaked out – such as a pledge by most G20 nations to halve their deficits, which will require slashing programmes that help people and could cause the recession to rear its ugly head again – their dissent took on passionate force.
Police officials have claimed that the violence in the streets clearly shows that the $1 billion spent on security for the summit was necessary. Prime Minister Stephen Harper decried the violence, stating that the summit was otherwise a tremendous success.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=690&dir=bb]
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Circular Logic Firing Squad
“We need to stay in Afghanistan until we finish the job.”
What job?
“The job we went in there to do in the first place.”
What job was that?
“The job we started.”
And, what job was that?
“The…you know, the…the job.”
What job?
“The job.”
Do you know what job we are in Afghanistan to finish?
“Of course I do. I wouldn’t be much of an advocate for the war if I didn’t.”
So, can you articulate for me what the job is?
“What do you think I’ve been doing?“
Oh.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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