Sylvia: "The Secret Life Of..."
written by Ira Nayman
The Bad Girls laugh. FADE OUT: OPENING CREDITS FADE IN: INT. SYLVIA'S WORK AREA - DAY There is a manual typewriter on a wooden desk. Scattered around it are a lot of sheets of paper, used kleenex, boxes of throat lozenges, etc. On top of the pile is a dirty ashtray. On the wall is a variety of multi-coloured Post-It notes. SYLVIA (mid-40s, messy black hair, frumpish, deep raspy voice), wearing a housecoat, walks in and sits at the desk. She magically pulls a blank sheet of paper out of the pile and feeds it into the typewriter. Sylvia stares at the blank page for a couple of seconds. Then, a DEVIL SYLVIA (with tacky red underalls, floppy horns and a plastic trident) appears over her right shoulder.WHITE BG Have you seen the tampon commercials that make it seem like every woman at Woodstock was wearing one?BLACK BG Tsk! Is nothing sacred? Next week it'll be -- Kent State: tampons were there.WHITE BG The Kenneth Starr investigation -- tampons were there.BLACK BG I'm inspired to find new uses for tampons just thinking about Kenneth Starr.WHITE BG Kosovo: tampons were there.BLACK BG Mmm...I don't know about that one...WHITE BG Too extreme?BLACK BG Too foreign. How many Americans know where Kosovo is?WHITE BG Good point.
(pause) Waco, Texas: tampons were there.
ANGEL SYLVIA (dressed in white with a cardboard halo) appears over Sylvia's left shoulder.DEVIL Syl, babe, forget the artistic angst.You wanna subject ripe for satire? I'm thinking... dirty old men. I'm thinking...Viagra...
Sylvia notices the Devil and the Angel hovering around her.ANGEL Oh, please! Everybody's making Viagra jokes! I know I'm always going on about recycling, but --DEVIL Aah! Think of it. There's gonna be a drastic increase in the birth rate...in old folks homes!ANGEL Sylvia, dear, there's nothing funny about older peopler trying to find a way to express their sexuality...DEVIL Forget that! Picture this: an 80 year-old man running down the street trying to hump lampposts!ANGEL Must you be so vulgar?DEVIL Hey! Vulgar sells! Ain't you never seen South Park?SYLVIA Yes...yes, I like it.
(to herself)DEVIL Alright! Now, I see this as --
The Angel smiles broadly.SYLVIA Hey, could you keep it down. I'm trying to work, here.
Sylvia waves a hand over her shoulder, and the two figures disappear. She begins to type (with two fingers, but very fast). In the middle of the screen appears a photograph of a rhinoceros with the TITLE: The Rhino Series.DEVIL Aww, don't look so smug. Good that comes from inattention don't count. Look it up in the Handbook if you don't --
(sour)
The image gets smaller and moves to the upper left corner of the screen.SYLVIA The Rhino Series.
(voice over)
Photograph of a man with a maniacal expression on his face working at his computer appears in the middle of the screen.SYLVIA (CONTINUING) How do you decide if you need the latest Windows upgrade?
The photo gets smaller and moves to the upper right hand corner of the screen. A photograph of a couple sitting on a couch with their arms around each other, their attention fully on a four year-old standing in front of them, appears in the middle of the screen.SYLVIA (CONTINUING) Power...power...I need more power!
The photo gets smaller and moves to the bottom left of the screen. A photograph of a rhinoceros with a straw poking it in the side appears in the middle of the screen.SYLVIA (CONTINUING) Your children tell you the facts of life.
The image gets smaller, moves to the bottom right corner of the screen. Sylvia stops typing and considers the page for a moment. The images FADE OUT.SYLVIA (CONTINUING) I would rather snort a rhinoceros through a very thin, very long straw...
INT. DEN - DAY Sylvia sits in an old, but comfy looking chair, watching television and reading Chicken Soup for the Cynical Soul. A potted cactus rests next to her chair; there is another plant along the far wall.SYLVIA (CONTINUING) Well, that's enough work for one morning.
(to herself)
Sylvia smiles.ANCHORMAN ...Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien told President Clinton that the North American Free Trade Agreement had brought prosperity to their two countries, and he couldn't wait to expand it across the continent...
(on TV)SYLVIA You think the President wears a condom when talks other countries into entering trade agreements?
(over the TV)RITA You think he's even heard of safe politics?
(over TV, off)SYLVIA Aren't men supposed to give their sons talks about that when they get old enough to vote? You can't trust the political theory kids pick up on the streets.
(over TV)RITA I'm old enough to vote, and you never gave me one of those talks.
(over TV, off)SYLVIA Never sleep with a politician. They only want you for your natural resources.
(over TV)RITA I love these sharing, caring moments...
(over TV, off)
INT. KITCHEN - DAY ANGLE ON: door of fridge. Among the magnets is a note that says: "Are you sure you want to start your diet today?" ANGLE ON: Sylvia, whose head has poked into the fridge. She removes her head and straightens up.ANCHORMAN ...come back, seven year-old Tommy Fenster will tell us how his dog Beverley played shortstop for a farm team for the New York Yankees. Stay with us...
(on TV)SYLVIA Something's wrong here. Something is missing...
(frowning)
Sylvia pokes her head back into the fridge. The note on the door now reads: "Did you know that Kate Moss was addicted to drugs for over a decade?" After a couple of seconds, Sylvia's head reappears.SYLVIA Rita, honey, have you seen the salsa?
(shouting)RITA Next to the artichoke hearts, ma.
(shouting, off)
Sylvia closes the door of the fridge. The note on the door now reads: "That Kit Kat bar doesn't look so bad, now, does it?"SYLVIA We don't have any artichoke hearts!
(shouting)RITA (shouting, off) I meant stuffed olives!SYLVIA Honey! You know this isn't a martini household!
(shouting)RITA I guess we're all out, then.
(shouting, off)
SOUND: meowing of two cats.SYLVIA This can only mean one thing...
(to herself)
ANGLE ON: a pair of orange tabbies by the foot of the kitchen table. One holds a card which reads: "Were you awoken by a loud drilling last night?" The other holds a card which reads: "Around 3:47?" ANGLE ON: Sylvia.SYLVIA (CONTINUING) Oh, hello boys. Do you know where --
(aloud)
ANGLE ON: the cats. The first one's card now reads: "Did we mention it was loud?" The other's card now reads: "There were complaints from Nebraska." ANGLE ON: Sylvia.SYLVIA (CONTINUING) Uhh, no. I slept like a log last night.
ANGLE ON: the cats. The first one's card now reads: "Oh, uhh, we were snuggled up tightly in our box." The other one's card now reads: "And anybody who thinks otherwise can talk to our lawyer." ANGLE ON: Sylvia.SYLVIA (CONTINUING) Boys, what were you up to last night?
ANGLE ON: the cats. The first one's card reads: "We had salsa?" The other one's card now reads: "Who knew?" ANGLE ON: Sylvia.SYLVIA (CONTINUING) Okay, okay. No need to get defensive. You wouldn't have any idea where the salsa is, would you?
INT. SYLVIA'S CAR - DAY Sylvia is driving around a parking lot looking for a spot. Her car is at least 20 years old, with a dull finish and the odd rust spot. MUSIC: something classical comes from the radio. Sylvia changes the channel. MUSIC: the same piece.SYLVIA (CONTINUING) Rita, I'm going to the store. Do you want anything?
(shouting)RITA (shouting, off) All your credit cards!SYLVIA Haven't we had that discussion about trust?
(shouting)RITA Remember what happened last time?
(shouting, off)SYLVIA (shouting) My cards have lower limits, now!
(pause, to herself) I'll get her something nice...
MUSIC: FADE OUT.ANNOUNCER (on radio) ...another exciting episode of...The Lonely Detective.
SOUND: door opens and closes.LONELY DETECTIVE I was getting all misty over the climax of The English Patient when she walked into my office...
(on radio)
SOUND: door opens and closes. Pause.CLIENT (on radio) Mister Detective? I...I need your help.LONELY DETECTIVE Did you do it?
(on radio)CLIENT Do what?
(on radio)LONELY DETECTIVE Whatever it is you want me to investigate. Did you do it?
(on radio)CLIENT How can you ask such a question?
(on radio)LONELY DETECTIVE (on radio) Listen, sweetheart. I'm going to spend days... weeks...maybe months on this case. I'll give it everything I've got. I couldn't take it if I invested all that effort in your case, only to discover that you're the guilty party. I...I'm too fragile for that right now. So, I'll ask you one more time, did you --
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY Sylvia pulls her car into a spot in front of a minivan with a family of four, the baby of which is crying. EXT. MARKET ENTRANCE - DAY Sylvia is dwarfed by the entrance to the huge MegaMaxiMart. She looks up at the door in awe.LONELY DETECTIVE (CONTINUING) I lose more clients that way...SYLVIA Aha!
(triumphant)
FADE OUT: FADE IN: INT. MEGAMAXIMART BOOTH - DAY CLYDE (tall, thin, light hair) stands in a lab coat behind a booth. Plain white blouses hang from the walls of the booth. A computer sits on a desk in the booth. Half a dozen women stand around nearby, watching Clyde.SYLVIA Home...
Clyde strikes a heroic scientist pose. FREEZE FRAME.CLYDE What would you ladies say if I showed you a miracle fabric that meant you would never have to buy clothes again?BYSTANDER 1 I'd say: who the heck are you?CLYDE Me? I'm...
START ACTION. The women look around, trying to see where the voice came from. Some ooh and ahh. After a second, Clyde pulls a blouse off a hook.ANNOUNCER Clyde, Domestic Engineer.
(over, dramatic reverb)
Some of the women laugh.CLYDE This may look like an ordinary blouse, but it is, in fact, a revolution in women's wear.BYSTANDER 1 What do we do -- spraypaint designs on it?
Clyde types some characters into the computer with his free hand. The blouse morphs into a pretty summer dress. The women ooh.CLYDE (laughs politely) Ha ha. But no, seriously, when the spring finally arrives, all you have to do is this...
Clyde types into the computer again. The summer dress morphs into a slinky black evening number. The woman ahh.CLYDE (CONTINUING) Of course, you will want to socialize...
Clyde types into the computer again. The slinky dress morphs into a comfortable old sweater. The women cheer.CLYDE (CONTINUING) And, of course, you'll need something for those quiet moments at home...
ANGLE ON: FASHION COP: (tall, strong, impressive looking uniform)BYSTANDER 3 How did you do that?CLYDE Nanotechnology. Tiny machines are woven into the fabric. With a few simple computer commands, you can turn it into anything. You can download the latest designs from Paris and Milan and be completely au courant. Imagine it, ladies, a dozen of these and you can have a complete wardrobe. Best of all, you need never step into a clothing store again!BYSTANDER 3 No more cramped change booths?BYSTANDER 4 No more dodging hidden surveillance cameras!BYSTANDER 1 No more snotty sales girls! It...it's too good to be true!FASHION COP That's right. Much too good.
(off)
SOUND: clap of thunder.CLYDE Fashion Cop!
(gasps)
Muttering disappointment, the women begin to scatter.FASHION COP Tell me...Clyde...how do you wash these things without short circuiting your tiny machines?CLYDE What? Oh, well, I...I'm not saying there aren't any...wrinkles that still have to be ironed out...
But the women are gone. Clyde looks glum. Fashion Cop walks up to him and puts a comforting gloved hand on his shoulder.CLYDE (CONTINUING) But, ladies, wait! Domestic science can solve these problems -- just think of the possibilities!
Sylvia quickly pushes her cart through the background. INT. MEGAMAXIMART AISLE - DAY Sylvia pokes her cart past an aisle and notices MAXINE standing in the middle of the rows of food. FREEZE FRAME. At the top of the screen, in a nice flowing script, somebody writes: "The Woman Who Worries About Everything..."FASHION COP Sorry, but somebody has to look out for the interests of the major fashion labels.CLYDE Given time, I could have ironed out that wrinkle.FASHION COP Uhh, yeah. Listen, you gotta work on your metaphors, there, Engineer-boy.
START MOTION.SYLVIA The woman who worries about everything isn't a very good consumer.
(voice over)
Sylvia quickly wheels her cart past the aisle. INT. SHOPPING CENTRE CHECKOUT LINE - DAY Sylvia stands behind a woman who is just beginning to unload her cart full of food. (We cannot see what Sylvia has brought in her cart.) Sylvia sighs heavily. The SHOPPER turns to look at her.MAXINE I wanted to buy some tuna, but I didn't like the idea that dolphins get caught in the fishing nets. So, I was going to buy some lettuce for a salad, but I started worrying about pesticides, and, anyway, the tomatoes are irradiated, and who knows what that does to people? Kraft Dinner? Did you know that Kraft was owned by cigarette manufacturer Phillip Morris? So, I thought: milk. Wholesome. Right? Good for the whole family? Cute moustaches? Well, I've got two words for you: Bovine Growth Hormone. As an informed consumer, how am I supposed to let my family eat anything?
(to camera)SIGNIFICANT OTHER Can I get my honey a blindfold?
(off)
The Shopper turns her attention back to unloading her cart. Sylvia's attention drifts to the television set hanging from the ceiling over the counter. An image of the planet earth is on the screen. A ZOOM OUT slowly reveals ALIEN (three sets of facial features and appendages, very high voice) and LOVER (30ish, handsome woman) on either side of the planet. MUSIC: sad piano soap opera theme.SYLVIA Guess I shouldn't have had that seventh double beef burrito. Sorry.
INT. BREAKFAST NOOK -- DAY? It could be your average breakfast nook, except for a strange sculpture on the wall and the fact that everything has a slight purple tinge to it. ALIEN (oh, read the comic!) and LOVER sit across from each other, eating something that almost looks like breakfast. FADE OUT: music.ANNOUNCER Can a woman from the Pacific mid-West shelter her sensitive alien love from the harsh realities of life in a Beltway a thousand light years distant? Find out in this episode of...Alien Lovers.
(on TV)
INT. SHOPPING CENTRE CHECKOUT LINE - DAY Sylvia shakes her head in disbelief. When she looks at the TV, there is a box of detergent on the screen.ALIEN But why would the Republicans persist when the American people don't care?LOVER I guess they consider it a matter of principle...ALIEN But why would they continue when three of their members lost their positions even as the President's popularity soared?LOVER Remember how I explained about dogs with bones in their mouths?
(sighs)ALIEN Yes...yes! The Rabid Dog Principle. I understand. But if that's the case, can't somebody just have the Republicans put down?LOVER They only do that for politicians who refuse PAC money. It's the only humane solution.
(smiles)ALIEN My love is so wise!
EXT. STREET - DAY A WOMAN in a sensible car stops at a yellow light. A MAN in a muscle car screeches to a halt behind her. Sylvia's car stops at the other side of the intersection. The Man sticks his head out of the car.CASHIER Next!
The Woman sticks her head out the window of her car.MAN Hey, you [BLEEP]ing jerk! The light had barely turned yellow! You could have gone through it, for [BLEEP]'s sake!
(shouting)
MUSIC: sappy, stringy music. Their expressions soften.WOMAN [BLEEP] you, [BLEEP]hole! I was obeying the laws of the road. If you don't like it, kiss my [BLEEP]!
(shouting)
INT. SYLVIA'S CAR - DAY Sylvia abruptly turns her radio off, ending the music. There is one plastic bag on the seat next to her. The light turns green, and she starts to drive.MAN Hey, I...I kinda like your spunk.
(shouting)WOMAN (shouting) You know, I never noticed it before, but you're kind of cute.MAN Wanna grab a [BLEEP]ing drink somewhere?
(shouting)WOMAN I know just the place! Stick close to my [BLEEP]!
(shouting)
INT. SYLVIA'S APARTMENT - DAY SOUND: key in the lock of the front door. The door opens and Sylvia walks in carrying the single bag.SYLVIA When road rage turns to road romance -- a love story...
SOUND: a phone starts ringing. INT. DEN - DAY Sylvia walks into the den and picks up the ringing phone.SYLVIA I'm back...RITA You...you only have the one bag. I'm so proud...
(off)SYLVIA The other bags are in the trunk. Would you do your mother a favour and bring them up?RITA Ma!
(off)SYLVIA What? We needed some things.RITA Like what?
(off)SYLVIA Like...artichoke hearts.
INT. SYLVIA'S WORK AREA - DAY Sylvia sits at her desk and opens the bottle of salsa. She puts it on top of a precarious looking pile of papers. Sylvia magically pulls a blank sheet of paper out of the mess and feeds it into her typewriter. She begins to type. In the middle of the screen appears a photograph of a rhinoceros with the TITLE: The Rhino Series.SYLVIA Hello?
(pause) Yes, this is Sylvia's 24 Hour Guilt Reduction Hotline. How may I help you?
(pause) That doesn't necessarily mean he's a drug dealer. You know, there are a lot of legitimate reasons for a 12 year-old boy to have a pager.
(pause) Well, maybe it's so that his teachers can get in touch with him whenever they come up with a new homework assignment.
(pause) Oh, no need to thank me. It's all in a day's work. Certainly. Bye now.
The image gets smaller and moves to the center left of the screen.SYLVIA The Rhino Series.
(voice over)
In the center of the screen, a Sesame Street logo appears inside a circle with a line through it.SYLVIA (CONTINUING) My reaction to Jerry Falwell's announcement that Teletubbie Tinky Winky was secretly gay was...
The image gets smaller and moves to the top right corner of the screen. In the centre of the screen is a picture of a man driving through the desert with a car full of rhinos.SYLVIA (CONTINUING) Right on! He should go after Ernie and Bert next and expose the whole gay puppet underground!
The image gets smaller and moves to the bottom right corner of the screen. SOUND: cats meowing. The images fade. Sylvia stops typing and looks down.SYLVIA (CONTINUING) I would rather drive through the Nevada desert in a compact car full of fidgety rhinoceroses than listen to anything Falwell says.
ANGLE ON: the cats. The first cat holds a card which reads: "Remember the drilling sound last night?" The other cat holds a card which reads: "The sound that didn't wake you up?" ANGLE ON: Sylvia, who looks serious.SYLVIA (CONTINUING) Hey, boys. How has your day --?
ANGLE ON: the cats. The first cat's card now reads: "We read an article on dog dentistry." The second cat's card now reads: "It didn't look that hard..." ANGLE ON: Sylvia.SYLVIA (CONTINUING) What did you do?
ANGLE ON: the cats. The first cat's card now reads: "Ralph needs a lot of expensive bridge work." The second cat's card now reads: "He should be coming out of the anasthetic...right...about..." SOUND: weak "Arf!"SYLVIA (CONTINUING) You didn't!
Sylvia opens the salsa. Frowning, she looks around the table, lifting a couple of pieces of paper to see what's underneath them. Then, she turns in her chair.SYLVIA (CONTINUING) Bad cats! I have to go back to work, but I'll deal with you later.
FADE TO BLACK FADE IN: INT. BAR - NIGHT A DRINKER sits across a table from an elaborate corporate logo. FREEZE FRAME. SUPER TITLE: "I'll believe corporations are persons when..."SYLVIA Rita?
(shouting)RITA Ma?
(shouting, off)SYLVIA Do we have any chips?
(shouting)
START MOTION.SYLVIA I'll believe corporations are persons when they start dating...
(voice over)
FADE TO BLACK: The end of Sylvia: "The Secret Life of..."DRINKER So, how did it go last night?LOGO Surprisingly well. We have a lot in common.DRINKER Oh, yeah? Like what?LOGO Did you know that Margaret supported the Multilateral Agreement on Investments?DRINKER She's a remarkable woman.LOGO She sure is.
(pause) There was one thing, though...DRINKER What's that?LOGO She...she asked who sat on my Board of Directors.DRINKER So?LOGO So, some thing's you don't talk about on a first date. A transnational corporate conglomerate's gotta have some secrets!
