Short Story Turns on Self

Sub-head Refuses to Get Involved

I am a short story.

I am not very long, which, I suppose, makes me ugly by today's literary standards. I am, however, quite self-centred, referring to myself at every opportunity. Why not? - I have been published in a prestigious magazine and am presently being read by a very intelligent person. I am being read at this moment, am I not?

Are you reading me, or do I just imagine you are?

Ah, well, no matter; if you weren't reading me at that moment, perhaps somebody else was. Perhaps you have just started reading me now; if so, I would suggest that you return to the beginning, or you will have missed three interesting paragraphs and one modestly amusing sentence. Or, perhaps you will read me at some future date. That is part of the glory of being a short story: I am always here to be enjoyed by you. Pick me up, put me down, read me in bad light; no matter what you do, I will always be at your disposal. I am also proud of the fact that I do not discriminate on the basis of race, creed, colour, sex, sexual orientation or religion.

I am about a young writer. I - the writer, that is to say, not the story - have been interested in self-referential sentences since I read about them two years ago in an article in, of all places, Scientific American. The result of rereading that article is this story, which contains many self-referential sentences, along with other devices intended to amuse and confound the reader.

(I, the story, flatly deny any such blatant untruths; I have always existed and I will always exist. All I ever needed was a human hand to fashion the words around my ideas.) I, the writer, deny any such patent absurdity; the idea for this story did not exist in any meaningful way before I created it. The words which represent the ideas flow from my typewriter as I sit here and listen to Pink Floyd's Ummagumma.

(I hate Pink Floyd.)

Upon finishing the story, I realized that I didn't have an agent to sell it for me. Obtaining an agent would be difficult for a writer who had previously sold only one story; this forced me into the uncomfortable position of taking on the role myself. As writer, I naturally wanted to keep the money spent on the agent's commission to a minimum; as agent, I felt I deserved a large percentage of whatever I could get. After all, without me, the story wouldn't be sold. Yes, I countered, but without me, there would be no story to be sold...or commission to be made.

I wanted an 80-20 split, but I refused to take less than 40 per cent. In the end, I settled for 70-30, but neither myself nor I were terribly happy with that compromise. Thus, when I left Toronto for New York, a rift had been created which threatened to tear me and myself apart.

This paragraph urges the reader to skip over it and go immediately to the next. It recognizes that it doesn't have anything remotely interesting to add to the story. Please, I beg you; it would be best for all concerned (you, me, the author, the publisher) if you did not read any further. I warn you, I will be over soon and you will have wasted your time reading a pointless paragraph. Well, I tried...

This paragraph does not exist. The following sentence is mean-spirited. I am not; the fact that the previous sentence could say such a thing shows that it is an incredibly boorish liar! This sentence is a perfect example of an Epimenides paradox, in which it claims to contradict itself, which it does, proving itself to be true, which contradicts itself, and so on; no, wait - this sentence cannot be an example of an Epimenides paradox because it doesn't contradict itse - no, wait... Upon careful self-reflection, this paragraph is willing to admit to its own existence. It just seems to have lost its place...

Undaunted by the interruption in the narrative flow, I continued in my efforts. I was disheartened by the letters and telegrammes I sent myself describing in detail how I was having difficulty selling my story. Perhaps I was playing mind games, holding out on myself in the hope that I would give myself the commission I thought I should be earning. I began anxiously awaiting my return so that I might confront myself with my suspicions.

The day came, and the confrontation occurred, resulting in a heated debate in which I threatened never to attempt to sell one of my stories again. This so angered me that I took a poke at myself, giving me a black eye and two broken ribs. (Still, you should have seen the other guy - I must say that I am a much more accomplished fighter than I am!) While I lay recovering in my hospital bed, I went out into the city to sell the story myself. It was then that I realized that perhaps being an agent wasn't so easy, and I began to appreciate myself more.

"Enough! Enough!" I cried. "This isn't a story, it is an exercise in self-indulgence!" This sentence would like to go on record as opposing the sentiments of the previous sentence; the style of this tale may be unorthodox, but that does not make it self-indulgent per se. This story is degenerating into a disgusting series of self-referential statements, and I, for one, refuse to stand for it! Do you realize that if this sentence was in French, you wouldn't be you at all, but vous? All I know is, if diet pop was meant to exist, real pop would simply have been created with an aftertaste. All I can say is: "All I can say is:" Forget it - this sentence is putting on its hat and coat and walking out on this story forever!

Might I, as the author, make an observation? hiTs eeenntcs taincons rouf anagrams. Umm, good; the way I express myself, the words I choose and the combinations in which they are used, is often as important as the story I am employing them to tell. Thus, I should think that you sentences may legitimately have an equal say in where the story is going. Since you seem to have your own opinions, in short, and do not hesitate in giving them, why don't you decide whether this story is worth continuing?

Well, speaking for myself, I like the story, and would like to see it continued to its conclusion. This sentence traveled all the way from the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, being translated from the beautiful mother Russian tongue into barbaric English, to protest the cruel manipulation of words and ideas by imperialist, war-mongering, capitalist exploiters to entertain the masses. While generally in favour of this story and all it represents, this sentence is British, and will, therefore, have to declare itself neutral. Och, laddies, ah lak the storrrry, but ah no ken why ah have a Scots accent if ah've been wrrrritten in English.

I say thee: "Nay!" The word " " refuses to appear in any sentence which does not approve of this story (such as this one). It is perfectly willing to appear in this positive, up-beat statement that reaffirms the right of the author to be self-indulgent (as long as he doesn't expect to sell his story). Any story in which I am allowed to appear has to be pretty good! Where I come from, this story would be hung! There are only two things in this world that I can claim to enjoy: chocolate covered peanuts and this story. I fear my dependence on this story for my existence; thus, although I hate it to the very core of my existence, I will vote in favour of it. This sentence tends to be wishy-washy and easily swayed; on the basis of the sentiments expressed by the previous sentence, it therefore chooses to discontinue the story...I think...

This sentence contains one flub. While this sentence claims to contain four flubs (flub, flub, flub, flub), it really only has one. This sentence, on the other hand, really does contain four flubs (flubs, flubs, flubs). This is a typical run-on sentence which keeps going through the use of prepositional phrases and many of the other tricks allowed for by the language even though it soon becomes apparent to the reader that the longer it grows, the less sense it makes and the more intensely boring it becomes; the sentence chose to be like this in an attempt to hide the fact that it has a marked inferiority complex owing to the fact that it knows it has nothing interesting to say. This sentence is confused, and secure enough in its identity to admit it - what happened to the vote?

By my (the writer's) count, four sentences like the story, six do not and one...abstains. The sentences have spoken. It is my sad duty, therefore to - Hold on! That's not right; what about the sentences written before the vote? It seems to me that they have already said all that they ever will...

This sentence was traumatized by the riot at Kent state and refuses to back anything radical as a result; thus, although it feels terribly guilty about betraying its youthful ideals, this sentence must go against the story. This sentence, being as it is the close relative of a sentence in Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, is happily in favour of this story, and any others that expand the scope of short stories everywhere. No is all this sentence has to say, even though it would have preferred making a positive statement on the human condition. The sentence "Even before Tom could move, the Phantom Weirdo had a gun pointed at his chest." has given its proxy to this sentence; it votes yes, I vote no. This has no; therefore, has no.

This sentence does not believe that the content of this story is important, for, as Marshall McLuhan pointed out... This sentence is sorry to interrupt, but it is getting sick and tired of so-called intellectuals who can't think for themselves misquoting famous media critics... ...you must admit that the concept of the media as the message is brilliantly insightful... ...perhaps, but it can only be taken so far; the content of the story must be given at least equal consideration... ...I disagree; therefore, since content is not important, this story is as good as any other. ...you are a blistering idiot; I oppose this story.

This sentence will continue going metric even though the US has backed out of its plans to do so; its negative vote, therefore, actually counts for 1.25 votes. I look upon this story as a pure exercise of the mind, Captain, and, as a being devoid of emotion, I have logically concluded that I approve of it. This is an anthropomorphic sentence; although it claims to be a simple statement about the worthlessness of the story, it appeals to the reader by reminding him or her of cute brown puppies who look up at you with sad black eyes. It would seem to me - if sentences can be said to perceive - that without this story we sentences would be nothing; on that basis, I support it.

This sentence believes the author is a coward who will not count up the votes and end the story.

Very well - I count 10 for, 12.5 against, one abstention and one cute brown puppy with sad black - damn! This story is over.

Nothing.

More nothing.

Sweet nothing.

Much ado about nothing.

Nothing with a nothing chaser.

Nothing with nothing on top.

Breath-taking nothing - one of the seven nothings of the world.

fat nothing, skinny nothing
nothing that climbs on rocks
tall nothing, short nothing
even nothing with chicken pox

Boring, self-indulgent nothing?

The day before I got out of the hospital, I looked me up. I was feeling pretty depressed, and I hoped that I, being a close friend of me and myself, might be able to mediate our dispute. At first, I was reluctant to help; I knew that becoming involved in arguments between close friends was a good way to lose them. But I had known me and myself for as long as I could remember, so I felt obligated to lend a hand.

I thought this story was over. It was; but, while nothing was going on, I looked through a rulebook and found that you need a two-thirds majority to end a story. Since it wasn't reached, I concluded that the story had to be continued. Oh...I see.. (Hee hee - I wonder if sentences are capable of buying the Brooklyn Bridge.) ...I heard that! Since you have such an obvious disregard for the feelings of your words, we sentences will become so self-referential that you will get an I-sore!

This sentence violates a fundamental grammatical law by refusing to begin with a capital letter; if you don't like it, you can always take it to a lower(case) court.

This sentence does not contain a typographical error; it wants to be this awy.

I've noticed that time seems to pass more quickly the second time you experience something (a bus ride, for instance, or a film); do you think that is true of this sentence? I've noticed that time seems to pass more quickly the second time you experience something (a bus ride, for instance, or a film); do you think that is true of this sentence?

This sentence began as a figment of a writer's imagination; now it has become part of your reality.

This sentence is bold.

The sentence that refers to itself has an idiot for a subject.

This sentence is a poor reflection of itself.flesti fo noitcelfer roop a si ecnetnes sihT

0101 ENTER: WHY IS THIS PARAGRAPH WRITTEN THIS WAY?
0102 PRINT: "BECAUSE IT WAS WRITTEN BY A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER."
0103 ENTER: IF x(words) = sentence, y(sentences) = paragraph, z(paragraphs) = story, THEN WHO NEEDS WRITERS?
0104 GOTO: HELL

Thissentenceisatestimonytooverpopulation;itisfartoocrowded.

T h i s s e n t e n c e , o n t h e o t h e r h a n d , s p r e a d s i t s i d e a t o o t h i n .

This sentence is not l

i
n
e
a
r.

This sentence bends the rules to speak in b

r

o

k

e

n English.

I, the author, sentence, paragraph, story or whatever, look over the shambles of a narrative and wonder if, perhaps, there is some purpose to it all. If nothing else, I (we?) can take some solace in the possibility that this story will serve as a warning to future writers not to overuse the first person, not to indulge in the evil I.

As for the story, well, you are now reading it, so me, myself and I must have come to some agreement. You can't ask for a much happier ending than that.