A couple of days ago, I returned from the Banff World Television Festival, where I was pursuing my futile quest to become rich and famous while retaining my artistic integrity. Such as it is. What follows are some of my observations of the event.
It Is Better To Travel Hopefully Than To Arrive
While standing in line to check my baggage at the airport, I transferred some videos that I hoped to use to sell one of my television series from a plastic bag to one of my suitcases. Somebody behind me said, “I hope he’s taking the bomb out of his bag.” Which brings up an interesting question: if the men with big guns had taken one of us away to their happy place, would it have been him or me?
Amateurs! If I had even thought of telling a joke like that, you just know that I would have been whisked away and searched in the most painful cavities of my anatomy.
Even The Parking Lots In Banff Are Gorgeous
Aren’t they?
Why Do my Best Metaphors Always Seem To Revolve Around Fear?
I was told that there were only six writers in attendance at Banff (although this number was disputed). Being one of the only writers in a room with over a thousand producers was an odd feeling, like being a minnow in a bathtub full of sharks.
Pecking Order Etiquette, Take One
Because the television industry works on relationships, newcomers to Banff were encouraged to walk up to people and strike up conversations. It was like high school with millions of dollars at stake. Since delegates were given tags to wear with our names and pictures on them, we could easily identify each other; in fact, outside of strip joints, this was the only place I have ever been where we were actively encouraged to look at each others’ chests.
Some delegates thwarted the process by covering their tags with their lapels, or putting a piece of paper over their names. This was their way of saying: “I’m so important, I don’t need or have any desire to speak to you.” I wanted to get an orange magic marker and create a pattern of ovals and semi-circles on my name tag. This would be like saying: “Look, I’m just a lone writer out of his depth who is not trying to bother anybody but would really like a break, so please treat me with respect and civility.” I suspect, however, that the producers in attendance probably don’t speak my language
Pop Quiz, Hotshot
NETWORK EXECUTIVE ONE: “Content is king.” NETWORK EXECUTIVE TWO: “We’re looking for great stories with memorable characters.” NETWORK EXECUTIVE THREE: “We’re looking for great stories with memorable characters, because everybody knows that content is king. NETWORK EXECUTIVE FOUR: “You know, I don’t ordinarily take pitches from writers…” Describe what’s wrong with this sequence of statements heard at Banff in 50,000 words or less.
You Can’t Make Stuff Like This Up
Cellphone conversation overheard coming out of the hotel: “I’m at the front door, bonehead! I’m looking right at you!”
Pecking Order Etiquette, Take Two
Most of my meetings were arranged before the festival actually started (although I did make connections with a couple of people just by starting conversations in lines – now I know what it feels like to be a starlet at Schwab’s…not that I’ve ever been curious…). Most often, people would meet by the mailboxes in the delegate lounge. You could always tell who had requested the meeting: the person with the lesser power would be waiting at the mailbox of the person with the greater power.
I’m not going to say how many of my meetings were at my request; let’s just say that I got to know the layout of the mailboxes pretty well during my stay. Pretty well, indeed…
Could This Be Where Just For Laughs Got Its Mascot Design?
I’m only asking.
Does This Make Me A Master Baiter?
Paul Haggis and David Shore were in Banff to give “Master Classes,” where they basically got to joke around about the fabulousness of being who they were. I’m not knocking it: my goal in life is to give my own Master Class at Banff. Preferably when television people are actually there.
Haggis (Crash) told the story of how when he was asked to write some of his most famous works, he demurred, saying he didn’t have enough talent. Shore (House) explained that he quit his law firm to run off to Hollywood, arriving having never actually written a script.
As somebody who has been working on his writing for over 20 years and is trying to get people in the industry to recognize how good he is, I hate them. I hate them both with a passion undying.
Shore went on to explain the difference between the Canadian and American television systems. In the United States, the writer/creators of shows have a tremendous amount of power over how they are produced. In Canada, by way of contrast, producers have all of the power. Shore argued that this didn’t make sense, that writers in Canada should have more control over their work.
Okay, I love him again. I still don’t know about this Haggis fellow, though…
Four Days And Still Not Jaded
I still prefer the beauty of the real mountains.
It Is Better To Arrive Hopefully Than To Travel
The Calgary airport has a Spaceport exhibit, with flight simulations and various other hands on exhibits about space travel. At the entrance to Spaceport is a cowboy with a space helmet sitting astride a circling rocket. I suppose it was meant to link the Spaceport to a rodeo bronco buster, but it reminded me of Slim Pickens’ fateful rocket ride towards the end of Dr. Strangelove.
Not exactly the kind of image you want tourists to have in their heads while flying.
While the plane back to Toronto was in the air, the pilot kept us informed of the score in the Stanley Cup final game between the Oilers and the Hurricanes. When the Oilers won, staving off elimination, there was a cheer and high fives throughout the plane. I haven’t watched hockey for years, but I was glad.
I don’t want to know what would have happened if the Oilers had lost.
From now on, I plan not to be in the air when major sporting events are taking place.
Conclusion
I am so not giving up my day job.
