What the Heck Do You Know? Special Heckle and Jeckle Edition
501) In response to the FBI raid on Democratic Congressman William Jefferson’s office, the Democratic leadership called for his resignation and the Republican leadership complained that the FBI had overstepped its boundaries. What’s wrong with this picture?
a) it’s blurry – next time, try using a tripod
b) it’s too dark – next time, try opening the aperture one – no, two stops
c) atmospheric conditions are interfering with the signal – when are you going to get cable, you cheap bastard?
502) Of the raid, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said: “I will admit that these were unusual steps that were taken in response to an unusual set of circumstances.” What circumstances would those be?
a) locusts
b) Aunt Bea slapped Opie when he refused to go down to the corner store to buy her some smokes
c) the President approaching 30 per cent in the polls and looking down the barrel of a mid-term election in which he could lose one or both houses
503) Heather Reisman has refused to sell the June issue of Harper’s in Indigo (or Chapters or Coles) because it contains an article on the Danish anti-Islamic cartoon contest that reprints the cartoons. Why would she do this?
a) because what’s the point of developing dominance of the book retailing market if you don’t exercise it every now and again? That would be like…like developing muscles and never beating anybody up with them!
b) because the article puts the cartoons in context, and context helps breed understanding, and heaven forbid a book chain should support understanding!
c) Heather…Heather has been having personal…issues lately, and, well, frankly, it’s none of your business, so, just read Scoop like a good mindless consumer and leave her alone, okay?
504) Why do Conservatives and Republicans hate the poor so much?
a) they were bitten by a homeless person when they were young, and it scarred them for life
b) poor people don’t know which fork to use to eat their salads, and the Cs and Rs were brought up to abhor bad etiquette
c) there but for the grace of Adam Smith go they
505) After five years in office, President George W. Bush finally admitted to making a mistake. What was it?
a) lying about Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction
b) ballooning the national deficit in order to pay for massive tax cuts favouring the wealthy while fighting a war of choice
c) “Saying ‘Bring it on,’ kind of tough talk, you know, that sent the wrong signal to people. I learned some lessons about expressing myself maybe in a little more sophisticated manner – you know, ‘wanted, dead or alive,’ that kind of talk. I think in certain parts of the world it was misinterpreted.” (that’s a real quote, son – it’s got those little marks at the beginning and the end that indicate that the words actually came out of a human being’s mouth…)
506) What does the disappearance of frogs from the planet signify?
a) one less plague God will have to smite those he’s taken a dislike to
b) French cuisine is the true threat to nature
c) a new cause for Kermit, who should be grateful considering how long he has been trying to get out from under Miss Piggy’s (not inconsiderable) shadow
507) “Where’s the outrage?” Republican Senator Arlen Specter said after revelations of the Bush administration’s domestic surveillance (spying when it’s done on foreigners, peeping Tomism when you do it to your neighbours) programme. He’s got a point: where is the outrage?
a) in a box in the attic, waiting to be discovered by our grandchildren, who will immediately try to sell it on eBay
b) in an overlooked corner of New Delhi, away from the harsh spotlight of public attention, where it hopes to collect its thoughts
c) on Fox News, refuting the concept of entropy
508) My, oh my, what’s happened to Lou Dobbs?
a) he just hasn’t been the same since he came back from Aztlan (not to be confused with Azkaban, another fictional country, but one that has featured in several prominent books and movies)
b) malaria, which could only be contracted by contact with an illegal alien, has begun eating away at his brain
c) he’s just a sad, scared old man – imagine your bitter grandfather with a television show that gives him an international platform
509) Amir Taheri’s op-ed article in the National Post claiming the Iranians have a law requiring Jews to wear yellow badges was a complete fabrication. How was he rewarded?
a) with a pat on the back, a gold watch and a boot out the door
b) with an Amana radar range and a year’s supply of Turtle Wax, the San Francisco treat
c) he was invited to the White House along with other “experts” to give President Bush their “honest opinions.” Be afraid. Be very afraid
510) Animal, vegetable or mineral?
a) duck
b) flight attendant
c) scrotum
511) What is Fallujah’s main claim to fame?
a) it is home to the world’s largest falafel
b) the Buddha once broke wind in a neighbourhood in the east end
c) it once existed
512) The American Federal Communications Commission will start fining broadcasters $325,000 for every act of indecency aired on a television network. What act of indecency could possibly be worth $325,000?
a) I could tell you, but I’d rather you wait for the opening of my new porn site to find out
b) shooting a village of innocent civilians as a reprisal for the murder of one of your troops…or is that worth a Congressional Medal of Honour? These are, indeed, strange times…
c) the word fuck (and, if I say it enough times, I’ll be worth a million bucks!)
513) Where are all the family farmers who have lost their livelihood because they had to pay an onerous estate tax?
a) having brunch with welfare queens and Willie Hortons (we suggest the omelet)
b) riding their unicorns off into the sunset
c) you didn’t actually believe that, did you?
514) What ever happened to Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction?
a) don’t you remember? Seattle was attacked by drone planes carrying nuclear weapons! If the US hadn’t invaded Iraq, the whole country could have been nuked!
b) Hussein buried them in the desert and lost the map – I bet Robert Langdon could find them!
c) you, didn’t actually believe that, either, did you?
515) According to studies, some of which are actually scientific, sort of, which of the following songs will disperse a group of teenagers the fastest?
a) Engelbert Humperdink’s “Release Me”
b) Billy Ray Cyrus’ “Achy Breaky Heart”
c) The Carpenters’ “Close To You”
d) Neil’s Sedaka’s “Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen”
e) other
516) With our luck, which of the following songs will have a renaissance among teenage music lovers?
a) Engelbert Humperdink’s “Release Me”
b) Billy Ray Cyrus’ “Achy Breaky Heart”
c) Neil’s Sedaka’s “Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen”
d) The Carpenters’ “Close To You”
e) other
517) How did Michael Chertoff, the head of Homeland Security, determine that there are no national monuments in New York City that need protecting?
a) he sent the three blind mice to check it out
b) he made his determination after watching AI: Artificial Intelligence
c) Karl Rove dropped into casual conversation which congressional districts the Republicans were in danger of losing in the mid-term elections, which had no effect whatsoever on Chertoff. Then, Rove not so subtly suggested that the Republicans could use a financial boost in certain districts. Chertoff shook his head and asked Rove what he was getting at. Eventually, Rove gave Chertoff a list and told him not to question why the Homeland Security funds needed to go to places other than New York.
518) Would you be willing to stand on an airplane if it meant a cheaper fare?
a) sure – if I got a ticket to a Nine Inch Nails concert at the end (and not an obstructed view, either)
b) only if Air – you see, in AI New York City is submerged under water – now, do you get it? Sorry to interrupt this answer to a completely different question, but I noticed your furrowed brow and general look of confusion – Canada executives stand up in board meetings
c) stand on an airplane? I thought that went out with the 1930s barnstorming era…would I at least get a cut of the take?
519) US prosecutors have threatened to revoke Conrad Black’s bail, claiming that he was less than forthcoming about his finances when the conditions were first set. US Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald wondered how Black could afford to give the Canadian Opera Company $500,000, given what he disclosed about his finances. Good point. How could Conrad Black afford to give the COC $500,000, given what he disclosed about his finances?
a) Black found the money in his mattress
b) it came out of the black budget – you know, the part taxpayers never get to know about? – Conrad figured if the American government can fund secret ops out of a black budget, he could fund the COC the same way
c) who cares? This is just my last chance to make fun of Black before I go under the knife. Naah naah
520) So, in the end, what have we learned?
a) not to poke our fingers in a light socket while running down a hallway with scissors
b) not much – I went to a private school
c) human greed and stupidity are still a satirist’s best friends
