Don’t Look At What the Heck Do You Know? –
It Didn’t Send Your Children To Afghanistan!
461) On a trip to England, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said of the Iraq war that “I know we’ve made tactical errors – thousands of them, I’m sure.” The following day, Rice said that her remark about the errors was a “figure of speech.” Which figure of speech is “tactical errors – thousands of them?”
a) a noun
b) a palindrome
c) a fuckup, transitive
462) President George W. Bush said the Republican Party won’t suffer from Tom DeLay’s decision to resign from Congress. “My own judgment is that our party will continue to succeed because we are the party of ideas.” Which ideas would those be?
a) to have the BLT for lunch instead of the tuna sandwich, because the tuna looks decidedly off
b) outing CIA agents to get back at their husbands, who are critics of the admini – no, that’s not it. Lying to the American people about non-existent weapons in order to get support for a war you really, really, really, really, really (and, that’s five reallys, so you know it’s serious) wa – no, that couldn’t possibly be it. Undermining the role of science in the country when it conflicts with the interests of either lobbyists or your religious ba – okay, you know what, this question is tougher than I thought. Let’s go with the BLT answer, okay? The BLT…
c) to take another week off to clear brush on his ranch because, well, darnit, you don’t want the brush to pile up – how presidential would that look?
463) “He has served our nation with integrity and honor,” said Majority Leader John Boehner, R-Ohio, who succeeded DeLay in his leadership post earlier this year. What does this comment say about Boehner?
a) it’s time for his meds
b) his meds aren’t working
c) he should be a screenwriter for a reality TV programme
464) Complete the following sentence: “God save the _______________”
a) spleen
b) freshwater saltine
c) ichtyosaurus
465) Who said, “War is war, and it has never been the case that when you captured a combatant you have to give them a jury trial in your civil courts. Give me a break.”
a) Socrates
b) Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia
c) Supreme Court Justice Shemp
466) Despite estimates that it is at least a decade away from developing a nuclear bomb, Iran has declared that it has joined the club of nuclear countries by creating enriched uranium. What does Iran mean by this?
a) it has uranium that has won $12 million in a lottery
b) it has uranium whose wealthy aunt recently died and left it $12 million
c) the United States isn’t prepared to attack countries that have nuclear weapons, so now we have nuclear weapons!
467) Former Enron President Jeff Skilling stated, “I will fight those charges until the day I die.” What did he mean by this?
a) he has a brain tumor and doesn’t have long to live
b) now that he’s made millions off of 70 year-old pensioners, it’s time for him to get a hobby
c) he hasn’t seen the film Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room, or, if he has, he certainly wasn’t paying attention
468) Two days after a Pentagon-sponsored team of experts determined that two small trailers were not used to make biological weapons, President Bush declared that the trailers were proof of the existence of Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction. Why?
a) it was Opposite Day at the White House (although nobody in the press reported on Donald Rumsfeld saying it was night while the sun was brightly shining – possibly out of deference to his advancing senility – which would have made Opposite Day kind of obvious)
b) the President had just returned from Bizzaro World and had not switched back to the normal thought patterns of this world
c) absence of proof is not proof that absence makes the heart grow fonder
469) Which of the following standard accounting practices does the American military not currently employ?
a) the ability to match expenditures with assets
b) the establishment of a registry system to identify each piece of equipment the military owns
c) establishing the cost of each piece of equipment the military owns
d) none of the above
e) all of the abo – good, god, where is the country’s $440 billion a year going?
470) Why has presidential adviser Karl Rove been asked to give testimony at the investigation into the leaking of the name of CIA agent Valerie Plame for the fifth time?
a) Fitzgerald can’t get enough of Rove’s dry wit
b) it’s an outside chance, but if he testifies 12 more times, Rove will go down in the Guinness Book of World Records for most times a presidential adviser is called before a single criminal investigation
c) he’s going down, baby, KARL ROVE IS GOING DOWN!
471) You’re really getting a kick out of this, aren’t you?
a) it’s more fun than naked whiffleball
b) I lead a sheltered life – I gotta get my kicks wherever I can
c) I like to think of it as being “made in the schadenfreude”
472) How are you celebrating the 20th anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster?
a) I’m pretending my mashed potatoes are a nuclear reactor after the meltdown (yeah, I’m lazy, but it is a good lesson for the kids…)
b) I’m Photoshopping all of my family portraits to make it look like people’s skin is melting – Aunt Esmerelda never looked so good!
c) I’m nuking my dinner
d) other
473) President Bush recently ordered a temporary suspension of environmental rules for gasoline. How will this ease the recent steep rise in oil prices?
a) oil executives will be so busy counting their windfall profits they won’t have time to further pick the pockets of consumers
b) oil executives will be laughing so hard they won’t have time to pick the pockets of consumers
c) Arctic National Wildlife Reserve here we come!
474) President Bush even more recently suggested that China curb its growing oil consumption, even though it’s roughly a third of America’s even though China has over four times the population. How will this affect oil prices?
a) Chinese President Hu Jintao will frown slightly, sending oil prices skyrocketing
b) the Chinese will be laughing so hard, they’ll forget their ambitions to be a superpower
c) I would trade in my Hummer for a hybrid if I was you…
475) The softwood lumber deal will allow the United States to keep $1 billion of the $5 billion in tariffs it took from Canadian business, as well as capping how much wood Canada can sell in the US under certain conditions. How is this like free trade?
a) in the same way black is like a fruit
b) in the same way Michael Bolton is like a musician
c) in the same way a schoolyard bully taking your lunch money is actually “legitimate insurance against harm”
476) What makes you so special?
a) my way with tongue depressors
b) my complete collection of ancient Egyptian phone books
c) the fact that my office is equipped with the same IBM computers and software that every other office these days is equipped with, of course
477) Which of the following is most disrespectful to Holocaust survivors?
a) soup Nazi
b) hair Nazi
c) pet Nazi
d) Nazi references Nazi
478) Which of Brian Mulroney’s accomplishments made him the greenest Prime Minister Canada has ever had?
a) signing the Free Trade agreement, which allowed foreign corporations to sue any level of government that tried to enact environmental protection legislation that would harm their profits
b) passing the Canadian Environmental Protection Act, which has not stopped dozens of known carcinogens from entering the environment…oh, and our bodies
c) showing up at a gala event to celebrate Brian Mulroney’s record as the greenest Prime Minister Canada has ever had
479) A recent study shows that women are more likely to have sex with a man who gives a cookie to a baby than taking a cookie away from a baby. How does this make you feel?
a) hungry
b) horny
c) diffident
d) like kicking a baby
480) You wouldn’t really kick a baby, would you?
a) why, are there any around?
b) of course not! I save that treatment for my dog!
c) is anybody watching…?
