No, What The Heck Do You Know?
Does Not Believe That Dress Makes You Look Fat
441) Which of the following concludes the sequence a, f, 2, 87, orangutang?
a) the square root of February
b) beatnik
c) twentyleven
442) Republicans can’t figure out why people hate. First, they asked why Muslims hate Americans. Then, they asked why Democrats hate them. What are they going to wonder next, I wonder?
a) why the French hate plaid pants
b) why Joanie now hates Chachi
c) why Bill O’Reilly hates everybody
443) The Globe and Mail devoted 1/3rd to ½ of a page (and we’re talking broadsheet pages, too, not no chickenshit tabloid pages) to what Prime Minister Stephen Harper was wearing at his summit with American President George W. Bush and Mexican Commandante Vicente Fox. What could they have better used that space for?
a) squid casserole recipes
b) an in-depth investigation into the relationship between the decline in amphibians throughout the world and the release of Jimmy Fallon movies
c) the best of Family Circus (okay, they may have had to print the cartoons extra large to fill the space, but still…)
444) Who or what is Yucaipa?
a) a new type of skin cream
b) a member of Franz Ferdinand
c) a source of comfort to Bill Clinton in his old age
445) How can we reconcile Canada’s military mission in Afghanistan to help foster democracy with the potential death sentence for an Afghani Muslim who years ago converted to Christianity?
a) religious freedom isn’t an important part of democracy – it was more of an afterthought, really…
b) I know what you’re thinking, but you’re wrong, smartypants: the Conservative Party doesn’t contain any religiously intolerant former Reformers. None. Nada. Zip. Not a one. No religious intolerance there. Un uh. Nope. No way.
c) subtlety
446) What exactly is The Long War?
a) one of Burt Reynold’s less well known films
b) a new computer game that never ends
c) the Bush administration’s latest euphemism for…well…they’ve coined so many, it’s kind of hard to tell exactly…
447) What is the difference between India, which the United States just concluded a trade pact with, and Iran, which the United States wants to invade and conq – uhh, sorry, I mean help democratize?
a) Indian production facilities make such lovely gifts to campaign contributors
b) the Indian government has never condoned the taking of American hostages
c) India’s nuclear weapons will be used for peaceful purposes
448) Why is Senator Russ Feingold no longer being invited to Hilary Clinton’s masked cotillions?
a) democrats can no longer look at his hideous ties
b) he pissed in Clinton’s corn flakes
c) he announced that would introduce a motion in Congress censuring President Bush for authorizing illegal wiretaps without giving Clinton the opportunity to have him killed first. This is much worse than pissing in her corn flakes
449) Is the comparison of the American Democratic leadership to a jellyfish accurate?
a) no. It’s an insult to jellyfish. As far as I know, no jellyfish has voted to continue the PATRIOT Act
b) absolutely. Lots of jellyfish would have voted for the PATRIOT Act if they could have been coaxed off the floor of the ocean and onto the floor of the Senate
c) no. We shouldn’t deal in hypotheticals – just cold, hard facts. And, the cold, hard fact is no member of the current Democratic leadership can be considered a vertebrate
d) wait – doesn’t that mean you’re actually saying that the comparison is accurate?
e) what? Oh, I – you got me. I stand corrected
450) Who, or what is Buble?
a) a precocious little wine from the Windsor region of northern Ontario, but don’t let that put you off – I think you’ll be surprised by its dieselly presumption and aftertaste of drowned wombat
b) a French term for what happens to your flan when you cook it at too high a temperature…ah, the French – they have a word for everything!
c) Yiddish for grandmother (and you wonder why the language is dying!)
451) Who or what is Full Spectrum Dominance?
a) isn’t it the instrument used by gynecologists to…no, wait, I must be thinking of Full Speculum Dominance
b) the ideal state for a dominatrix
c) the lead guitarist for The Dead Kennedys
452) Why does President George W. Bush insist he has the legal right to authorize wiretaps and torture rather than just denying that they are happening like Presidents in the past have done?
a) that would be lying, and we all know that lying is wrong
b) he doesn’t have the imagination to cover up illegal activity
c) he’s just a confused young man, officer – surely, we can work this out without going down to the station…
453) Can I tell you a secret?
a) not if it has anything to do with your deodorant, especially if it’s strong enough for a man but made for a woman
b) I already know you’re wearing panty hose under your pants
c) only if it involves Laetitia Casta, the offensive secondary of the Toronto Argonauts and a swimming pool full of timbits
454) The Conservative government has announced that it plans to hold a free vote on gay marriage. Why?
a) the Supreme Court’s lips may have said “No,” but its eyes said, “Yes, yes!”
b) after making sure medical marijuana users were arrested, the Conservatives didn’t want gays to feel left out (and wasn’t that thoughtful of them?)
c) because it can
455) Why pay taxes?
a) the entertainment value
b) to piss off the idiotologues at the Fraser Institute
c) anything you would buy with the money you give to the government is bad for you anyway
456) Republicans no longer refer to the opposition as “members of the Democratic Party.” They call them, “members of the Democrat Party.” Apparently, Democratic has too many positive associations. You could say the same thing about Democrat, though. If they really want to neuter the term, what should Republicans call Democrats?
a) Mocrats
b) Democs
c) late for dinner
457) Why would American law schools not allow military recruiters on their campuses?
a) they don’t want buzz cuts to come back in fashion
b) none of them have “send our students to foreign lands to kill innocent civilians and, in turn, be killed” in their charters (except for Harvard)
c) they hate a man in uniform
458) Why would the Supreme Court rule the ban illegal?
a) it keeps the judges off the streets
b) it’s the first step in getting military recruiters into everybody’s homes. In this grand vision for the future, half the American population will be trying to talk the other half into signing up for the armed forces. It’s a Halliburton wet dream.
c) they love a man in uniform
459) American Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was recently ridiculed for saying that Iran was not Iraq. (Jon Stewart was particularly cutting, as only he can be.) In her defense, what might have Rice said?
a) Iran is Iraq.
b) Iran isn’t France.
c) Iran isn’t Turkmenistan.
d) Iran isn’t the United States.
e) Iran isn’t a bowl of warmed over spaghetti.
f) Iran isn’t a Florida state of mind.
g) Iran isn’t a matching tie and handkerchief set.
h) Iran isn’t Alpha Centauri.
i) Iran isn’t Alpha Bits cereal.
j) Iran isn’t Moosejaw.
k) Iran isn’t Erehwon.
l) Iran isn’t Iran.
m) Iran isn’t up for adoption.
n) Iran isn’t a lot of fun in the spring.
o) Iran isn’t Iraq…today. It’s more like Iraq under Saddam.
p) Iran isn’t France (again).
q) Iran isn’t Tuesday.
r) Iran isn’t Mexico.
s) Iran isn’t going to clean up other people’s messes.
t) Iran isn’t what you think it is…whatever you might think it is.
u) Iran isn’t the Shire.
v) Iran isn’t going to accept the blame for global warming.
w) Iran isn’t Talia Shire.
x) Iran isn’t New Orleans…well, until recently, anyway…
y) all of the above
z) other
460) Where is the Labia Palace?
a) you freak! You should be ashamed of yourself!
b) Venice – and you’re the one with the dirty mind!
c) oh. Well, in my defense, everything in Italy sounds a little smutty…
