What the Heck Do You Know?
Can Look After Itself, Thank You Very Much
421) Which of the following is former President Bill Clinton not responsible for?
a) persistent teenage acne
b) the disappearance of frogs from the planet
c) the end of your first marriage
422) How can anybody with eyes believe George W. Bush is a good President?
a) “they have eyes, but they see not” (and don’t you hate it when people quote the Bible at you to prove things you don’t believe in?)
b) eyes are overrated
c) we like to think of it as the “faith-based separation of church and state”
423) Which of the following Katrina headlines is the most tacky?
a) Ray should have quite his Naggin’
b) Ray didn’t use his Noggin
c) No Ray of hope in New Orleans
d) all of the above, because, really, who could choose between them?
424) A new Zogby poll shows that a stunning 85% of all US soldiers in Iraq believe the US mission there is primarily “to retaliate for Saddam's role in the 9-11 attacks.” Should we tell them?
a) why spoil their youthful enthusiasm? They’ll learn soon enough…
b) tell them that their country lied to them to get them to fight and possibly die in a foreign war? Why would they want to continue fighting if – oh, you pacifists are good…
c) tell them what?
425) What song should be played at the funeral of Serbian strongman Slobodan Milosevic?
a) “Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Dead”
b) “Dreamweaver”
c) “Two Little Hitlers”
426) What does the Pope listen to on his iPod?
a) “Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Dead”
b) “Dreamweaver”
c) “Two Little Hitlers”
427) Did you just repeat the same set of answers?
a) absolutely not! That would be the kind of lazy, irresponsible writing that gives satire such a bad name, and I refuse to contribute to it!
b) absolutely not! That would be the kind of lazy, irresponsible writing that gives satire such a bad name, and I refuse to contribute to it!
c) absolutely not! That would be the kind of lazy, irresponsible writing that gives satire such a bad name, and I refuse to…uhh, to…oh, cut me some slack, will ya? I got a heart condition…
428) How desperate do you have to be to do publicity for the opening of your latest film in Israel with former Israeli Prime Minister Shimon Perez?
a) Sharon Stone desperate
b) Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct 2 desperate
c) oh, god, I hope I’m never that desperate desperate
429) Visiting Canadian troops in Afghanistan, Prime Minister Stephen Harper said the country would never “cut and run,” as some critics of the war had urged. The problem is, no critics of the wat had actually suggested that Canada cut and run. What principle does this best exemplify?
a) premature oraculation
b) gunboat diplomacy (by a country that has no gunboats)
c) monkey see, monkey photo op
d) oh, cut Harper some slack, will ya! He was trying to sound Presidential…I mean, Prime Ministerial…
430) Is it really better to be a monkey in the middle of a sandstorm than a Liberal without corporate filled coffers?
a) it depends – does the donkey have his own reality show?
b) oh, stop! – really, you’ll be a better comedian once you stop referencing Lewis Carroll
c) only during a time of high unemployment
431) After you blow your nose, do you look at the tissue?
a) yes
b) no
c) you use a tissue to blow your nose?
432) If you do, what do you expect to find?
a) the Andrea Doria
b) weapons of mass destruction
c) the innocence of my youth
433) What ever happened to Donald Rumsfeld?
a) he was experimenting with nuclear isotopes in his lab and accidentally created a potion that turns people invisible – he still pops up at news briefings every now and then, but nobody can see him (and I’m not even going to mention the rumoured incidents in the women’s showers and locker room in the basement of the White House!)
b) his brain finally seized up after being forced to believe its 1,023rd implausible fact; ever since, he’s been watched over by a crack medical staff in an undisclosed military hospital
c) his schtick got boring
434) If you had it to do all over again, would you?
a) absolutely! Except, maybe, for the part where I shaved the penguins…
b) do it all over again? Life is not a video game, son! You don’t get to save a position and go back to it if you die! This is the only life you – hey. Wait a second. Wait just a doggone second. Why isn’t life like that? I mean, how’re we supposed to learn from our mistakes if they kill us? I kind of like this game idea of going back a bit and making a different decision – think I’ll bring it up with god when I see him…
c) no, I would do a lot differently. Except, maybe, for the part where I shaved the penguins…
435) What do the Geneva Conventions, the Nuclear Non-proliferation Treaty, the Kyoto Protocol, the Anti-ballistic Missile treaty, the treaty banning biological weapons, the anti-landmine treaty, the ban on weapons in space and the international Criminal Court have in common?
a) bringing any of them up in polite conversation guarantees that you will never be invited to a party at that establishment again
b) anybody who claims to understand any of them is lying to get into your pants
c) President George W. Bush would rather read My Pet Goat
436) Who recently claimed that concern over global warming was causing him to suffer from writer’s block?
a) Noam Chomsky
b) Thom Yorke
c) Patrick Starr
437) Match the veiled threat with the person who uttered it:
a) “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry…”
b) “It would be a shame if something should – you know – break…”
c) “Our goal is to let the Chinese government realize that the politics of this issue [the value of the Chinese currency leading to a huge trade surplus with the US] is about to get out of hand…”
i) Joey “The Beak” Batagliani
ii) Republican Senator Lindsay “The Big Hurt” Graham
iii) Bruce “The Hulk” Banner
438) How do you respond to the allegation that the Tony Blair government offered seats in the British House of Lords to people who had secretly loaned money to his governing Labour Party?
a) I never did trust Tony Blair’s hair. Some people thought it was entirely sincere, but there was always an undercurrent to his hair that just never sat right with me…
b) V For Vendetta is looking more and more attractive all the time…
c) well, if it proved to be true, at least the British government would have gotten some value out of the appointments…
439) What is the difference between Halle Berry and Hale-Bopp?
a) you can dance to Hale-Bopp
b) Hale-Bopp is not a Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavour
c) one is a comet, the other is merely a star
440) Which of the following is Hillary Clinton not responsible for?
a) persistent teenage pregnancy
b) the disappearance of compassion from politics
c) the end of your most recent marriage
