Two Tier Health Care Frequently Unasked Questions

1) Gee, there’s been a lot of talk in the news lately about two tier health care. What’s that all about?
2) Yes.
3) How did Premier Ralphie do that, daddy?
4) That doesn’t sound very funny.
5) How serious is this really? Hasn’t Klein been saying he was going to do this for years?
6) No, really. How serious can this be? Haven’t we always had two tier health care?
7) No, really, really. Politicians have their own medical staffs and wealthy people have always had the option of flying to other countries to have their medical problems seen to right away. Isn’t two tier health care already a fact of life?
8) That comparison is a little over the top, isn’t it?
9) Didn’t a Quebec court endorse two tier health care?
10) But what about the people who argue that more money is not the answer to Canada’s health care crisis?
11) Okay, but what about the people who argue that more money is not the answer to Canada’s health care…problems?
12) And, hey, since you brought it up, what does Prime Minister Harper think of this?
13) Why should the rest of the country care what happens in Alberta?
14) What’s wrong with two tier health care? I went to a wedding once with a six tier chocolate layer cake, and it tasted fantastic!
15) Aren’t you just being pessimistic about the future of health care?
16) Doesn’t the C. D. Howe Institute support two tier health care?

1) Gee, there’s been a lot of talk in the news lately about two tier health care. What’s that all about?

Well, are you sitting comfortably?

2) Yes.

Alright, then. Once upon a time there was a young Premier named Ralph Klein. Premier Ralphie’s wealthy supporters were upset because they had to wait in line for hip replacements and jowl tucks with the province’s unwashed masses. Not only are unwashed masses unpleasant to be around, but they carry germs which, in and of themselves, are a health risk. Premier Ralphie – whose heart knew no limits…when it came to his wealthy supporters – heard their pleas and vowed to rectify this situation.

3) How did Premier Ralphie do that, daddy?

He promised to let people who could afford to pay to get their operations done sooner, and let doctors move between this private system and the public system. This would cement the idea of a two tier health care system – a private one for the wealthy and the public one for everybody else.

4) That doesn’t sound very funny.

The bedtime story metaphor can only take you so far.

5) How serious is this really? Hasn’t Klein been saying he was going to do this for years?

Well, yes and no. He has been saying he planned on changing the health care delivery system in his province for years, but he has never suggested anything this radical. Imagine a shy young high school student circling around the desk of a girl he really likes, coyly suggesting that maybe they could go out some time. Then, imagine one day, without any warning, the boy sticks his tongue down her throat and his hand in her panties to see what it would be like. That’s gotta be worth a detention, at the very least.

6) No, really. How serious can this be? Haven’t we always had two tier health care?

Oh, absolutely. When amoebas started dividing in the oceans, there were those who had to use government assistance to get to nutrients and those who paid their own way.

7) No, really, really. Politicians have their own medical staffs and wealthy people have always had the option of flying to other countries to have their medical problems seen to right away. Isn’t two tier health care already a fact of life?

Murder is also a fact of life. Should we encourage it by getting rid of laws against it?

8) That comparison is a little over the top, isn’t it?

Ask Americans who are dying because they can’t afford health care in that country’s private system.

9) Didn’t a Quebec court endorse two tier health care?

Uhh, no. What the court said was that long waiting times for operations wasn’t a good thing. Everybody kind of knew this, of course, but there’s nothing like a legal decision to really drive an obvious point home. The Quebec government chose to allow some private medical services, but it’s not like the court twisted its arm and gave it nougies until it cried uncle on the issue. Quebec could just as easily have committed more money to hiring more doctors.

10) But what about the people who argue that more money is not the answer to Canada’s health care crisis?

Crisis is such a harsh term. And, considering that majorities of Canadians claim in polls to be satisfied with our health care system, crisis seems like overkill. It’s like calling Toronto “world class,” or Stephen Harper “Prime Ministerial.”

11) Okay, but what about the people who argue that more money is not the answer to Canada’s health care…problems?

Aren’t they the same people who argue that the wealthy should be able to put more of their money into health care? They should really get both sides of their mouths to talk to each other more.

12) And, hey, since you brought it up, what does Prime Minister Harper think of this?

He kind of promised during the election that he would protect Canada’s single tier health care system. Rumours out of the PMO is that he is currently considering running away and joining the circus as The Human Pretzel.

13) Why should the rest of the country care what happens in Alberta?

Shh. You hear that sucking sound? You hear it? That’s the sound of doctors moving to Alberta at light speed.

14) What’s wrong with two tier health care? I went to a wedding once with a six tier chocolate layer cake, and it tasted fantastic!

You can’t eat privately funded health clinics. And, they raise your cholesterol levels.

15) Aren’t you just being pessimistic about the future of health care?

According to Alberta Health Minister Iris Evans, the changes in Alberta health care “may not help the public system.” Translated out of Politicianese into plain English, what she was actually saying was: “Get your heart transplant now, because you probably won’t be able to afford it in a few years.”

16) Doesn’t the C. D. Howe Institute support two tier health care?

I rest my case.