The Abramov Scandal Frequently Unasked Questions

The Abramov is a rare species of woodchuck (marmota monax) found only in the southern United States and northern Mexico. It feeds on nuts, berries and discarded Taco Bell products it finds by the roadside. The Abramov’s natural enemies are wolves, coyotes and Ford Broncos.

You got me. The Abramov is a common species of lobbyist (processus corruptus) found in the halls of Washington. It feeds on thousand dollar bottles of wine, hundred dollar steaks and corporate clients. The Abramov’s natural enemies are lobbyists for corporations whose interests conflict with those of his clients and campaigners for finance reform.

Do you have a couple of weeks?

We’re still going to need a few days.

Okay. But, remember, you asked for it.

Jack Abramov represented Indian tribes such as the Louisiana Coushattas and the Mississippi Choctaws. These tribes ran casinos, so Abramov advised them to send campaign contributions to literally dozens of politicians who supported limiting casino development.

See, I’ve barely started, and already things are becoming muddy. Abramov’s native clients – they’re the good Indians. You know, the ones who helped Kevin Costner in Dances With Wolves. Everybody else – they’re the bad Indians. You know, the ones who scalped settlers and killed Custer. The good Indians already ran casinos. They didn’t want the bad Indians to compete with them. It’s a native tradition dating back at least as far as the introduction of capitalism into the new world.

So, Ralph Reed is given as much as $4 million to –

He took the native money and magically turned it into Christian money. That way, nobody would know that Grover Norquist was helping natives fight against other natives.

The money seems to have gone through ATR on its way from native tribes to Congressmen and Senators. Really, you must keep up. According to government prosecutors, Abramov made at least $82 million while representing the competing tribes in the –

That’s right. Apparently, Abramov represented the tribes that wanted to build casinos at the same time as he represented tribes that wanted to stop them from building casinos. Now, that’s competition for you. As Abramov’s good friend Tom DeLay used to say –

Oh, don’t tell me you don’t know about that? DeLay has given up his quest to get back his House Majority leadership position, and may lose his seat in the next election over it. It’s been in all the papers! Abramov paid for several golfing trips for DeLay to foreign countries. And, don’t think DeLay was being bought off cheap, either, because those trips ran to tens of thousands of dollars!

It was the least Abramov could do for his client, the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands

The man can have more than one client – he has a big heart! Abramov saw the poor Marianas, a US territory, being oppressed by laws that would require its workers to have minimum wages and safe working conditions. Horror of horrors! So, he used the system he had in place to help persuade sympathetic legislators and some of their staff members to kill legislation that would have improved working conditions on the Pacific Ocean islands.

Oh, don’t be so melodramatic. There couldn’t have been more than 150 people in Washington who accepted Abramov money – 200 tops. And, it’s not like they’re sticking up for the guy now that his scams have been revealed. No! They are giving back as much of the money they received as is politically expedient and, in their best Claude Rains voices, proclaiming to anyone who will listen that they are shocked, shocked, they say, to find out that the money was in any way tainted!

Now, if Abramov had only stuck to reneging on the purchase of SunCruz Casinos, a Florida gambling boat, or even funding Israeli sniper training, his level of corruption wouldn’t be reaching into –

I did warn you.