What the Heck Do You Know? A New Beginning Gets Old
401) How does the District of Columbia defend using part of its Homeland Security grant to send sanitation workers to self-improvement seminars?
a) terrorists find their targets by smell
b) it will stop them from “going sanitational”
c) defend how we spend tax dollars? We actually have to defend how we spend tax dollars? What crazed terrorist thought up that idea?
402) What time is love?
a) half past the – what?
b) it’s about time!
c) half an hour later in Newfoundland
403) What is a “unitary executive?”
a) a branch of government that knows how to use a bathroom sink (or, is that a sanitary executive?)
b) the branch of the government that believes in a liberal religion, a religion that keeps an open mind to the questions people have struggled with in all times and places. It is a branch of government that believes that personal experience, conscience and reason should be the final authorities in religion, and that in the end religious authority lies not in a book or person or institution, but in – no, wait, that would be a Unitarian executive
c) a branch of government that uses old-fashioned telephones to communica – no, dammit, that would be a rotary executive. Maybe I should have paid more attention in civics class…
404) One day after signing a bill supported by a vast majority in both houses of congress outlawing torture, President Bush wrote a “signing statement” in which he claimed to have the power to authorize torture under certain circumstances. What might those circumstances include?
a) a detainee sneezing without first asking permission
b) finding an Arab detainee with the nickname “Snake”
c) the sun coming up
d) all of the above
e) all of the above, and other
405) Despite running a lackluster campaign full of scandals and gaffes, the Liberals managed to win over 100 seats in the recent election. What do they have to do to lose badly?
a) kill 100 baby harp seals with their bare hands while singing “The Star Spangled Banner”
b) all die at the same time of a bizarre gardening accident and be replaced by seventh graders…from Zimbabwe
c) be led by John Turner
406) What is Astroturf?
a) a fake lawn made out of the Jetsons’ dog
b) what happens when a Houston baseball player gets fired
c) a charming shade of puke
407) If they were serious about government ethics, which of the following ideas would the Republicans put into law?
a) Senators who were found guilty of ethical lapses would have to appear on Fear Factor
b) Congressmen under investigation for ethical lapses would have to give up their franking privileges (and, really, what are people who campaign on family values doing with guys named Frank, anyway?)
c) if President Bush is found to have broken the law by ordering illegal wiretaps, he should be forced to take a public speaking course…actually, he should probably take a public speaking course whether or not he is found to have broken the law by ordering illegal wiretaps
d) all of the above
e) other
408) Ang Lee’s film Brokeback Mountain was shot in Alberta. So, why are many fans of the film going to Wyoming to get that Brokeback Mountain experience?
a) they turned right at Greenland instead of left
b) their gaydar has blown a circuit
c) they’re living the dream, and dreams are never wrong
409) Who or what is Hamas?
a) a tasty spread for a pita
b) a Palestinian organization high on America’s terrorist watch list
c) the democratically elected government of the Palestinian Authority
d) b and c – oh, this should be interesting
410) Is Courtney Love related to Mike Love?
a) only in his worst nightmares
b) as much as she’s related to Free Love
c) no, she was spawned in an alien rock star laboratory, and doesn’t that explain a lot about her antics (not to mention her antibiotics)?
411) If a court injunction shuts down the Blackberry information network due to its maker’s alleged patent infringement, what’s the worst that can happen to those fun-loving plutocrats in Davos?
a) they might be forced to listen to each other – could World War III be far behind?
b) they’d have to resort to cheap beer and hookers for their World Economic Forum entertainment, just like convention-going Star Trek fans and Shriners
c) discussion of the underwear the pages have on would have to be given its own panel
412) Who or what is OEF?
a) Old English Farts
b) Outer Expeditionary Forces
c) Orotund Elf Farmers
d) Oxford English Fictionary
413) Who or what is OIF?
a) Old Irish Farts
b) Online Investigative Forces
c) Obfuscatory Intentional Factoids
414) Who or what is IFO?
a) Immature Frog Orifices
b) Interoperable Field of Operations
c) I’m Fucking Obsequious
415) John Cleese recently had a lemur species named after him (Avahi cleesei). What animal would you like to have named after you?
a) a Ford
b) a Grand Theft Auto villain
c) toothpaste
416) What animal are you most afraid will be named after you?
a) crickets
b) spiders, and not even the cool poisonous kind or the ones who eat their husbands after mating with them
c) fruitflies
417) Which of the following events is the Mike Harris government not responsible for?
a) IRA bombings in Northern Ireland
b) the death of Dudley George at Ipperwash
c) the continuing popularity of plaid leather training bras
d) the shooting deaths of Toronto teenagers who no longer have after school programmes, social assistance or much of a future thanks to government cutbacks
e) winter
f) the deaths in Walkerton due to tainted water
g) a, c and e
h) b, d and f
i) a and b on alternate Mondays and c and g on Shrove Tuesdays
j) none of the above
k) all of the above
l) you know, I’ve often wondered this myself
m) who is Mike Harris?
n) Mike Harris was the head of a government?
418) Hey, I asked you a question! Mike Harris was the head of a government?
a) smile when you say that, pardner
b) okay, okay, hold your horses, I’m comin’! Have a little respect for a Civil War vet, why doncha?
c) I know, I know – we’ve been trying to forget it for a long time, too…
419) Explorers have discovered dozens of exotic new species of animals in a “Lost World” in Indonesia. How do you lose a world?
a) put it in your back pocket and forget about it when you change your jeans
b) lend it to a friend who will never in six million years return it
c) turn left at Greenland instead of right
420) What is the difference between a peacekeeper and a soldier?
a) how many you predict will die before you send them into a foreign war zone
b) the colour of their hats
c) how many you are willing to let die before you bring them back from a foreign war zone
