What the Heck Do You Know?
A New Beginning Isn’t Crazy About Your Hair, Either
361) Famous people from corporate executives to Judith Miller and Scooter Libby are claiming they don’t remember key pieces of evidence during important investigations. Why don’t they just plead the fifth like normal people?
a) because they’re telling the truth. Tin and other metals in their drinking water have been slowly eating away at the brains of Americans for decades, causing increasing loss of mental faculties. How else can we explain the fact that an American thought that putting Johnny Knoxville in a film version of the old Dukes of Hazard TV series was a good idea? We can only hope that the rest of the world doesn’t sacrifice the environment for short-term economic growth or… We’re fucked.
b) because they’re telling the truth. Television has been slowly eating away at the brains of Americans for decades, causing increasing loss of mental faculties. How else can we explain the fact that an American thought that putting Johnny Knoxville in a film version of the old Dukes of Hazard TV series was a good idea? We can only hope that the rest of the world doesn’t sacrifice its mental environment for short-term entertainment or… We’re fucked. Again.
c) pleading the fifth is for wimps
362) Rock singer Bono is “crushed and mystified” by Prime Minister Paul Martin’s behaviour. What, oh what did Martin do to deserve this reaction?
a) ask Betty-Lou to the prom instead of Bono
b) skip third period Chem to smoke in the boys bathroom without asking if Bono wanted to come along
c) refuse to commit 0.7 per cent of Canada’s gross domestic product to foreign aid by 2015 because he couldn’t see how that would make him more popular with the girls on the beach
d) other
363) Which part of the Paul Martin gingerbread man would you like to eat first?
a) his tie – I never liked his taste in ties
b) his hands – because without them, he might not be able to pick our pockets
c) his crotch – because then he wouldn’t have the balls to say he knew nothing about the sponsorship scandal even though he was Finance Minister at the time
364) Why is it that when Paul Martin proposes a cut in income tax, it’s a ploy to buy votes, but when Stephen Harper proposes a cut in the GST, it’s seen as a boon to citizens and the economy?
a) orange
b) the square root of infinity
c) 3 minutes, 45 seconds
d) other
365) A bomb blows up in Iraq. Who is responsible?
a) Islamic fanatics trying to drive American troops out of the country
b) Sunni insurgents retaliating against the Shiite government that is reportedly kidnapping and torturing Sunni believers
c) Kurds unhappy that the Shiite majority refuses to give them their own homeland in the oil-rich north
d) don’t look at me – I’m just waiting for a bus…
366) After being booed off the floor of the House of Representatives for saying of John Murtha that “cowards cut and run, Marines never do,” Jean Schmidt claimed that she hadn’t intended to attack Murtha personally. What had she intended to do?
a) bake him a birthday cake
b) say, “cowards drink bottled water, but Marines never do,” but it came out all wrong
c) soil herself in public, but it came out the wrong end
367) What is Stewart Simonson’s primary qualification to be Assistant Secretary for Public Health and Emergency Preparedness in the American Department of Health and Human Services?
a) he hates birds. I mean, he really hates them. How bad does Stewart Simonson hate birds? He hates Big Bird. That’s right. And, Tweety Bird. Where you and I may see a harmless little yellow creature that enjoys torturing cats, Simonson sees 20 million people dead. Birds? Simonson really doesn’t like them.
b) he used to be a top official at Amtrak, so he knows how to make a quick getaway…well, in theory, anyway…
c) well! He’s no Michael Brown, but if he keeps his head down and learns quickly, he should do just fine. Just fine…
368) Why was DreamWorks SKG sold to Viacom?
a) because Stephen Spielberg wants to devote more of his time to becoming Mahatma Gandhi
b) because Jeffrey Katzenberg, having got his revenge on Disney with the two Shrek movies, can now die a happy man
c) because David Geffen wants to spend more time with the money his vault
369) Having to buy a group of television channels you don’t want to get the one or two that you do want because that’s just the way the cable company bundles them is like…
a) having to buy pork chops, lamb chops and meat balls at a restaurant when all you want is a hamburger
b) having to buy 12 models of Fords from the car dealership when all you really want is a Hyundai
c) having to buy toilet paper, mouthwash, hairspray, a bag of potato chips and nail polish from your neighbourhood Shoppers when all you really need is a toothbrush
370) In what order did the following bruises occur?
A
B
C
D
a) C, B, A, D
b) A, B, D, C
c) D, B, A, C
d) you sick bastard! How dare you exploit human suffering for the amusement of others? The fact that it’s your own suffering is irrelevant. You are sick, sick, sick, sick, sick! Besides, it’s obviously B, C, D, A
371) When it comes to Christmas cards issued by charities, do you:
a) scan the images into your computer to use for your own Christmas cards?
b) scan the images into your computer to use on your Santa Porn Web site (you naughty, naughty boy!)?
c) feel guilty for getting yourself on their mailing list, but pretend the guilt comes from not giving enough over the year?
372) If you get a card from somebody famous, such as a politician, show-biz or sporting star, would you:
a) tastefully place it in a brightly lit shrine just inside the front door of your house to ensure that everybody who enters knows you received it?
b) modestly mention it in casual conversation…47 times?
c) have it bronzed?
373) Once Christmas is over, do you:
a) make a bonfire with the cards you’ve received and wonder, not for the first time, why you weren’t born Jewish?
b) knit the cards into a quilt?
c) get drunk and laugh at the tacky cards your friends and family have given you, having forgotten that most of them were re-carded from cards you sent them last year?
374) Why would Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad deny the Holocaust and say that the state of Israel should be moved to Europe, or even Canada?
a) he’s tired of Saddam Hussein winning the “Craziest Dictator of the Year” award, and, if he puts out 100%, this year he thinks he has a real shot at it
b) to distract people from Iran’s nuclear ambitions (which are purely civilian, we assure you…)
c) aww, he’s just playing to his base
375) Why have none of the party leaders talked about Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan so far in the federal election?
a) everybody already knows Paul Martin blames the Americans, so there seems no reason to belabour the point
b) Stephen Harper is already on record as saying he would have preferred if they were wounded and dying in Iraq
c) Jack Layton hasn’t determined which side of the issue he should begin his flip flop on
d) Gilles Duceppe figures the more Anglophones die in foreign wars, the fewer there will be to fight Quebec separatism (hell, if enough Anglophones die, Quebec will be able to take over the rest of Canada)
376) According to scientists from the University of Amsterdam, the smile of Mona Lisa is 83 per cent happy. What makes up the other 17 per cent?
a) Lucite
b) Lucille Ball
c) a ball of rubber bands
d) other
377) What is an “unfunded mandate?”
a) the last time I go out with one of my gay friends!
b) a cross between an ocelot and a used box of Kleenex
c) when a government creates a programme, but allots no money to fund i – you know, that’s a really boring answer. I’m going with “b” instead…
378) President Bush has admitted that 30,000 Iraqis have died in the war. What does this mean?
a) the number is probably closer to 100,000
b) Humvee patrols and strategic aerial attacks don’t seem to be winning the war, so Bush is deploying a new weapon: sincerity
c) the Hell’s Angels hockey team is beating the Maple Leafs three to one in an exhibition game (but, to be fair, they do have the home ice advantage)
379) How hard must it have been for President Bush to reverse himself and accept a ban on torture by US military and intelligence personnel?
a) harder than showing up for National Guard duty, and we all know how hard that was for the President!
b) impossibly difficult – Karl Rove must be hammering nails into his skull to dull the pain of having his President actually admit that he was wrong about something
c) piece of cake – he can just send subjects to Uzbekistan, where American laws against torture don’t apply
380) Why did god create politics?
a) so the less fortunate among us would have something to do with their time
b) because without temptation, how would you know if you were truly good?
c) god was bored and didn’t think through all of the implications of his action as well as he perhaps should have
