What The Heck Do You Know About The Gomery Enquiry?

1) Who or what is a Gomery? a) the Urdu word for runny cheese
b) a brand of nasal spray
c) a rare species of platypus found mostly in Canadian courts
d) a loveable navy recruit played by Jim Nabors in the 1960s who was investigated for committing atrocities in Vietnam (but never charged)

2) What does the following diagram represent?

a) the last gasp of Modernist art
b) an n-dimensional representation of the face of Robert Goulet
c) the money trail in the sponsorship scandal
d) other



 3) Sponsorship scandal? What sponsorship scandal? a) uhh, you don’t stay in much, do you? It’s been in all the papers…
b) it’s the scandal between the travelgate scandal and the insider trading scand – uhh, forget I mentioned that one, okay? You’re not supposed to know about it for a few months…
c) alright, if you know nothing about the sponsorship scandal – and, god bless your blissful naivete – you might as well skip to the next article, because nothing that comes after this is going to make the least lick of sense

 4) What exactly is the sponsorship scandal? a) a bunch of Quebec Liberals held down the bonhomme de neige while others kicked it repeatedly and spat on it, all in the name of national unity
b) the executives of advertising companies paid to promote Canada in Quebec felt that they didn’t deserve all of the money that they were paid, so they gave some of it back…to Liberal politicians…in secret…
c) something newspapers use to avoid writing about Karla Homolka’s latest pap smear

 5) Where does the money trail lead? a) you skipped over question 2, didn’t you?
b) Nunavut
c) to a quiet life in a cottage after taking early retirement

 6) How much money has to be funneled to friends of the Liberal Party to be considered an outrage? a) $330 million
b) $250,000
c) $1.39 for a pack of gum

 7) What was Chuck “How Much Wood Could a Wood Chuck Chuck?” Guite’s role in the scandal? a) he was Alfonso Gagliano’s hairdresser
b) he made fun of Paul Coffin, who, he is reported to have said, “will bury us all.”
c) shouldn’t we wait until the verdict of his fraud trial before we judge?

 8) Where was the oversight that is supposed to ensure that such things don’t happen? a) safe and snug in Michel Beliveau’s back pocket
b) having a wild party in Hull
c) it was gagged and bound and shoved into a closet in the Prime Minister’s Office, where it kicked at the door in a futile attempt to get somebody to notice

 9) Now that you mention it, what was then Prime Minister Jean Chretien’s role in all of this? a) he held Jacques Corriveau’s coat while Corriveau was raking in the big money
b) he was trading autographed golf balls with world leaders (he’s especially proud of his limited edition Gorby Glasnost ball, a rare item that, if sold on eBay, could pay for your daughter’s university tuition)
c) a wink, a shrug and an “excuse me”

 10) According to Jean Pelletier, Chretien’s Chief of Staff, it wasn’t the PMO’s job to monitor the spending of sponsorship money, even though Gomery found that the programme was run out of the PMO. Who is right? a) Jake Gyllenhaal
b) whoever finishes their pudding first
c) “And I am right, and you are right, and everyone should say goodnight.” (Okay, maybe I’m not right for misquoting comic opera lyrics in such a serious context…)

 11) In his report, Judge Gomery wrote that the scandal was “a depressing story of multiple failures…of greed, venality and misconduct both in government and advertising and communications agencies.” Why did he write that? a) he wanted the report to fit in with Allo Police’s editorial standards to make it easier to sell an excerpt from it to them
b) ever since he was a small child, he wanted to write for Dallas, but he never got the chance, so he did his best with this report instead
c) he was in touch with his inner Barbara Cartland

 12) Paul Martin said he would return any tainted money to its source. What would this accomplish? a) it would make salmon going upriver to spawn look like wimps
b) it would make Denis Coderre’s complexion clear up
c) it would make a dull coda to the tedious TV movie that will be made of this whole tawdry affair

 13) In addition, the Martin government has pledged new rules which will increase oversight into government spending. What will this accomplish? a) increasing government bureaucracy will force government representatives to cut corners to be able to get anything done – exactly what they have been accused of doing in Gomery’s report (how’s that for irony, Alanis Morissette?!)
b) six months from now, the Conservatives will be able to complain about too much government red tape (or that?!)
c) in the land of the blind, the one-eyed bureaucrat is king (think about it…)

 14) How could then Finance Minister Paul Martin not know what was going on? a) he stuck his fingers in his ears and kept chanting the boy scout motto in a very loud voice until the unpleasantness went away
b) he was just a naïve girl from the Prairies trying to make her way in the big city
c) Prime Minister Jean Chretien told him there was nothing to worry about, and the respect between the men was so high that Martin believed his every word

 15) What does this mean for the relationship between Martin and Chretien? a) Chretien is going to take back his invitation to take Martin to the prom, which will really vex Martin because he’s already put a down payment on his tuxedo
b) they’re going to stop getting drunk and trolling for hookers
c) they can stop pretending to like each other in public, to the relief of every Canadian

 16) Prime Minister Martin promised an election within months of Gomery’s final report, some time early in 2006. Some pundits and politicians want an election called immediately. Why? a) they’re afraid we’re not going to get enough coal in our stockings this year
b) they’re afraid the public is easily distracted, and our outrage won’t last unti – ooh, is that a shiny hurricane somewhere off the coast of Papua New Guinea?
c) it looks better if you carry it on your left

 17) Which national television network had the best Gomery graphic? a) CTV Newsnet’s “Throw the Bastards Out Before They Destroy The Country!” graphic
b) Global’s “Gomerying, Gomerying, Gone!” graphic
c) CBC Newsworld’s “So, This Is What the Fuss Is All About?” graphic

 18) How will the sponsorship scandal affect Confederation? a) skies over Alberta won’t look so blue
b) Quebecers will be so offended that outsiders corrupted their otherwise morally pristine political culture that they will refuse any further equalization payments from Ottawa
c) people from PEI will muse aloud about how their otherwise morally pristine political culture can be corrupted by outsiders…soon…please…

 19) How will the sponsorship scandal affect the Liberals chances in the next election? a) if anybody other than Stephen Harper led the Conservative Party, the Liberals would be singing the Tory blues
b) what Liberal chances in the next election? [rimshot]
c) next election? Please don’t – I mean you’ll – I really don’t want to think about – okay, now my dinner’s ruined…

 20) How will the sponsorship scandal affect you, the average Canadian citizen? a) blueberries won’t taste so blue
b) you’ll get a rash on a private part of your anatomy, but, with the Liberal application of a cream developed for the purpose, it will go away soon enough
c) within a year of the release of the Gomery report, you will be divorced (if you’re not married, you’d best hurry)