“Hey, Jennifer, I –”
“What do you want, Joe?”
“Aww, don’t be like that, sweetie.”
“I shouldn’t talk to you at all after what you tried –”
“Jennifer, I thought we agreed that when we were ready, we would go for it.”
“I wasn’t ready!”
“Look, it’s been six months, and we haven’t done anything. All I wanted to do was feel –”
“You should have talked to me about it first.”
“Max doesn’t think so.”
“Who the hell is Max?”
“Max is the RCMP agent who’s tapping this line.”
“You talk to the RCMP about our personal stuff?”
“He taps the line, Jen. It’s not like he doesn’t know what’s going on.”
“Jesus Chr – is he on the line now?”
“Sure. Say hi, Max.”
“…”
“It’s okay, man. I just told her. She knows.”
“…”
“Joe, what the hell is wrong with you?”
“What?”
“Making up some bullshit about an RCMP agent giving you advice so you could convince me to make out with you!”
“I didn’t make it up! Max told me that six months is a long time to wait, and that I’ve been more than patient with you!”
“Why would an RCMP agent tap your phone? You go to Junior High. You wear braces. You’re not exactly a threat to anybody…except, maybe, me.”
“Hey! The RCMP’s power to tap any phone in the country is an important part of the war on terrorism!”
“Max tell you that?”
“And, anyway, who says I’m not dangerous? You can’t trust anybody these days!”
“You know, I thought you were just perverted, but if you’re going to be perverted and insane, maybe it would be better if we called the whole relationship off.”
“I’m not being insane. Max, tell her.”
“…”
“I think I better go, now.”
“MAX! You’re killing me, here! Say something!”
“Sorry, Jennifer, but your boyfriend is neither perverted nor insane.”
“Who the hell are you?”
“You can call me Max.”
“You’re an RCMP agent?”
“I never said that.”
“You told me you were an RCMP agent!”
“No, Joe, I just didn’t disagree with you when you assumed I was an RCMP agent.”
“If you’re not an RCMP agent, what the hell are you doing tapping my phone?”
“I didn’t say I wasn’t an RCMP agent.”
“Okay, but what if you aren’t?”
“Look. Without affirming or denying that I am an RCMP agent, I can tell you that if I wasn’t an RCMP agent, you would probably be better off thinking that I was, anyway. So, why don’t we just leave it at –”
“You’re telling Joe what he should do in our relationship – what I should do?”
“Well, Jennifer, teenagers of both sexes are interested in exploring their sexuality. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, many people think human sexuality is a beautiful thing.”
“But –”
“And, you must admit, six months is a long time without putting out. Are you a frigid bitch, or something?”
“WHAT?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. Uhh, except for the frigid bitch part.”
“Jennifer, was Joe gentle with you?”
“Absolutely not! It felt like he was trying to crush a beer can!”
“Hey! Wait a minute –!”
“Okay, Joe, if you want this to work, you’ve got to do your part, too. You know how you pet a cat?”
“Actually, we have a dog.”
“Stay with me here, Joe. You stroke your pet gently, you don’t squeeze it like an orange. Right?”
“Well, no. But –”
“Well, your woman is more precious than your pet, so you want to treat her with even more care.”
“But –”
“Sigh. Look, do you want her to put out or not?”
“Well…yeah…”
“Trust me. You wouldn’t try to drive your car in zero degree weather without warming up the engine first, right?”
“I…I haven’t got my licence.”
“He’s already failed three times.”
“Still, you understand the principle, right?”
“I guess.”
“Excuse me, Mister RCMP Guy, but what makes you qualified to give us advice?”
“I’m sorry?”
“I mean, there’s no such thing as the RCMP Sutra or anything, is there?”
“No, it’s not covered in our standard operating manual. However, we are trained to use our initiative in unanticipated situa – hold on.”
“Oh, what, now –”
“Sorry, but Joe’s dad is receiving a call from Saudi Arabia. Gotta go. Joe, you can take it from here?”
“Sure. … Now, do you believe me?”
“I guess…”
“So, next time we get together –”
“Oh, like that’s gonna happen!”
“But, Jenni – Jennifer? Hello? Hello?”