My problem is that I believe in reality. (Okay, smartass, my other problem.) I have been operating lo these 20 or so years past under the assumption that reality can be subdivided into facts. Facts can be checked. If you are going to engage in political commentary, you use facts in order to establish a point of view on reality.
Boy do I feel stupid!
Watching the boys and girls of Fox News, listening to radical right radio rats like Rush, reading the editorial pages of The Wall Street Journal, I have begun to realize that facts, well, they just get in the way of a good argument. Some people were shocked when an aide of President Bush said that “We’re an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality;” but, if they had been paying attention to the right wing press, they would have seen this principle in action years before the Bushmeister ever thought about reupholstering the chairs in the Oval Office.
Since actual reality-based commentary takes actual work, I think I’m going to try my hand at right wing, reality free political commentary. I must admit, I’m doing it more out of laziness than political commitment, but, if I succeed, I’ll cut the heart out of anybody who challenges my motivation.
Based on a total lack of research on how they do it, I have come up with the following rhetorical strategies:
1) Always personally attack anybody who disagrees with you.
Ann Coulter looks like a ferret. A ferret with very fetching blond hair and a pretty impressive figure, but still: when she gets that feral look in her eyes, you know that only evil can follow.
Hey, that was fun! No wonder the right engages in personal attacks! Let me try it again.
Sean Hannity has the face of a ferret. A ferret with very fetching blond hair and a pretty impressive figure, but…uhh, but…okay, maybe I’m going to have to work on this a bit.
2) Make shit up.
Did you know that Bill O’Reilly is a bed wetter? That’s right – he has to wear adult diapers when he goes out because he never knows when he’ll have a little accident. You know that constipated look he sometimes gets when he’s talking to somebody who disagrees with him? (You may have thought it was anger – that’s okay, it was honest mistake.) Actually, O’Reilly is trying to keep himself from peeing his pants. Even with the diaper, ad taking into account the fact that nobody is ever likely to know, it’s just too embarrassing.
Wow. I got this amazing rush writing that last paragraph. Did you feel it, too? I totally made the whole bed wetting thing up, of course – I have no idea how Bill O’Reilly’s personal plumbing works (not that I even want to…). But, making shit up – it’s so much more liberating than actually having to read shit and fact check your research to ensure that it is, you know, accurate. I think I can really get into this!
3) Attack the patriotism of anybody you disagree with.
What the hell was Rush Limbaugh thinking, supporting Bill O’Reilly’s denial that he’s a bed wetter? Doesn’t Rush know that people with a secret – such as wetting their beds – are ripe for blackmail by terrorist cells intent on destroying America by infiltrating the media? Let’s face it – if you support bed wetting, the terrorists will win!
You know, when I based my political writing on “facts,” I would have looked at a paragraph like this and concluded that the person who wrote it was a raving lunatic because it makes absolutely no sense. Well, if it’s wrong to be barking mad, then I don’t want to be right! I just have to get over my fear that, if I were to ever get my own Fox show, 20 million Americans would respond to paragraphs like the one above with: “You go get those bed wetting terrorist-loving bastards! You give ‘em hell!”
4) Repeat shit until everybody agrees with you just to shut you up.
Bill O’Reilly is a bed wetter!
Bill O’Reilly is a bed wetter!
Bill O’Reilly is a bed wetter!
Bill O’Reilly is a bed wetter!
Bill O’Reilly is a bed wetter!
Bill O’Reilly is a bed wetter!
Bill O’Reilly is a bed wetter!
Bill O’Reilly is a bed wetter!
Bill O’Reilly is a bed wetter!
Okay, this part is kind of boring. Agree with me to shut me up already so I can move on to another point.
5) Shout down anybody who disagrees with you.
“YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!”
“YOU SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU HATE FREEDOM/CONSERVATIVES/LIFE/GUNS/THE FLAG!”
“SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!”
Of course, this one is more fun if you’re actually shouting at somebody else in the room – text doesn’t really do it justice. Still, if it works half as well as the other tactics, I’ll be enjoying it for decades to come.
Am I ready for my close-up, Mister Murdoch?