“Mutual Backstabbing Insurance Company – how may I help you?”
“Yeah, hi. My name’s Gyorgi Porkie. My house was destroyed when a tree fell on it during Hurricane Katrina. I’d like to collect my insurance so that I can rebuild my life.”
“And, that’s exactly what we’re here to help you do, Gyorgi. Now, were you insured against acts of god?”
“That’s right.”
“OH! I’m so sorry. You see, the levees around New Orleans weren’t built to withstand the hurricane’s force even though meteorologists knew that it was only a matter of time before one hit that would be large enough to break through them and flood the city. So, you see, even though the hurricane was an act of god, what destroyed your home was human greed and stupidity.”
“Oh, that’s okay.”
“It is?”
“Yes. I have human greed and stupidity insurance.”
“Oh. Ah. I see. Not many people know we offer that policy.”
“I’m one of the lucky ones, I guess.”
“We’ll see about that. Do you have flood insurance? Because you need a policy specifically against floods –”
“Yes, I have flood insurance.”
“You do.”
“I live in a city surrounded by huge levees intended to keep water out. I’d be a complete idiot not to have flood insurance.”
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Gyorgi. We have yet to determine the level of your idiocy.”
“Fair enough.”
“So, you have flood insurance, then.”
“I did say that, yes.”
“OH! I’m so sorry, but didn’t you say that a tree fell and destroyed your house?”
“The tree falling was a major contributing factor in the destruction of my house, yes.”
“Well, there you go, you see. You have flood insurance, but your house was destroyed by a falling tree. Now, if you had falling tree insurance…”
“But, I do.”
“You do what?”
“Have falling tree insurance.”
“You can’t.”
“What?”
“You can’t have falling tree insurance.”
“Why not?”
“Because there’s no such thing.”
“There isn’t?”
“I just made it up. Out of thin air. Off the top of my head.”
“I see.”
“So, if your house was destroyed by a falling tree but the only coverage you have is flood insurance –”
“But, I told you, I have falling tree insurance.”
“How is that possible?”
“Well, the way I figure it, if you can make up the policy, I can pretend to have it.”
“… Well, I…can’t argue with logic like that.”
“Good.”
“But, I owe it to the Mutual Backstabbing Insurance Company to try. Does your policy cover you during the month of September?”
“Yes.”
“On alternate Thursdays?”
“Yes.”
“During a total eclipse of the sun?”
“Can I have a moment to check?”
“AHA!”
“No, it seems that this policy does cover me in case a tree falls on my house on alternate Thursdays in September during a total eclipse of the sun.”
“Damn!”
“But, there wasn’t a total eclipse of the sun.”
“Didn’t we leave the world of reality behind several minutes ago?”
“Fair enough.”
“If you don’t mind my saying so, you seem to have an awful lot of insurance.”
“You can’t be too careful, these days. It’s a dangerous world out there.”
“Were you hurt in the incident at all?”
“Wwwhy do you ask?”
“The policy you have on property damage only works in conjunction with a personal injury insurance policy. If you don’t –”
“Of course I have a personal injury insurance policy! Do you think somebody with the foresight to get a policy that covers him in case a tree falls on his house on alternate Thursdays in September during a total eclipse of the sun wouldn’t get personal injury insurance?”
“So, what claim will you be making on that?”
“Well, I…hurt my back…”
“I’m afraid that won’t get you much –”
“I mean, I lost a limb. After the back thing.”
“That’s more impressive, but –”
“I’M DEAD!”
“Dead?”
“The tree fell on top of me, caving in my skull. I died instantly.”
“How tragic for you.”
“Yeah, whatever. So, death must involve a big payout, right?”
“Absolutely.”
“Well, thank –”
“Only, not to you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Your policy clearly states that the deceased cannot collect on a personal injury and life insurance policy in his own name.”
“Damn! So it does.”
“Was there anything else?”
“No, I think I’ll just go rot in my grave, now.”
“Very good, then. Thank you for calling the Mutual Backstabbing Insurance Company. If you have any future questions about your coverage with our company, please feel free to call…”