Les Pages Aux Folles: What the Heck Do You Know? Slave to the A New Beginning
What the Heck Do You Know? Slave to the A New Beginning
301) After denying that he was a member of Washington’s ultra-conservative Federalist Society, it turns out that Supreme Court nominee John Roberts was on the organization’s steering committee. Oops. How do you manage to forget something like that?
a) the Federalist Society isn’t so much an organization with, like, meetings and stuff – it’s more a state of mind
b) Roberts spends so much time mainlining conservative judicial theories that his memory has become impaired
c) the Federalist Society is a figment of Antonin Scalia’s imagination
302) And, hey, speaking of the Supreme Court nominee with the winsome smile and come hither eyes, the White House is refusing to release to Congress memos Roberts wrote while working as deputy solicitor general from 1989 to 1993. What could possibly be in those memos that the White House doesn’t want anybody to see?
a) the recipe for the world’s best potato salad
b) reports of autopsies of alien bodies conducted by Elvis in Area 51 while Jim Morrison strangled unicorns
c) pictures of the first President Bush kissing Barbara (and, be honest, is that something you really would want to see? For god’s sake, think of the children!)
303) Which of the following phrases do you think Roberts will use most frequently at his confirmation hearings?
a) “I don’t recall.”
b) “It would be unwise of me to speculate.”
c) “The fish ate it.”
304) Montreal is considering making a bid for the 2112 Summer Olympics. Why?
a) because now that they’ve managed to pay off the debt from the 1976 Summer Olympics, they kind of miss it
b) because all that cholesterol in their poutine has caused some kind of malfunction in their brains
c) IN YOUR FACE, TORONTO! WE’RE GONNA HAVE THE OLYMPICS TWICE, AND YOU CAN’T EVEN GET IT ONCE! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
305) What is a partial birth abortion?
a) an excuse for Dr. James Dobson to get some hookers and a kegger and have a wild weekend
b) a jam flavour that tested so poorly that Smuckers never put it on the market< br/>
c) whatever Bill Frist says it is
306) What method will the Canadian government use to determine who is put on the double super secret no punchbacks no fly list?
a) eeny, meenie, minie, moe (but not the part about what my mother told me, because this is a serious process, dammit, and you can just leave my mother out of it!)
b) you just run a training camp and, in practice, see who can’t hit the ball out of the infield – simple, really. Makes you wonder how anybody could object to it…
c) “I see no method here.”
307) Which of the following is one of Alberta’s 12 health care reforms?
a) free lollipops for anybody who pays more than $10,000 for an operation
b) your diagnosis arrives within 24 hours, or your next doctor’s visit is free
c) an underground tunnel from Alberta into the US for people who want American health care but don’t want the hassle of crossing a border
d) all of the above
e) none of the above
f) any of the above that you can afford
308) What is Hot Coffee
a) a tasty beverage
b) a good early morning pick-me-up
c) A VILE AND LOATHSOME ADD-ON TO GRAND THEFT AUTO: SAN ANDREAS THAT INTERRUPTS THE NON-STOP VIOLENCE FOR SEX! SEX! OH, IS THERE NO END TO THE VIDEO GAME INDUSTRY’S DEPRAVITY!
309) Ottawa is now four for four in its appeals to a NAFTA dispute resolution panel of Washington’s tariffs on Canadian softwood lumber. How is this victory different from the previous ones?
a) it’s the last appeal Canada gets to make under NAFTA rules, so the US just has to sit out the protests and it will be home free
b) it’s orange
c) because…it’s number four. Don’t you listen to yourself talk?
310) What is “the struggle against violent extremism?”
a) the war against terrorism in a new dress (and doesn’t she look – ugh – beautiful?)
b) the Christmas 2005 advertising campaign for the Xbox
c) the – oh, never mind. Now, it’s “the battle against bad guys”
311) Which of the following has Pope Benedict not recently condemned?
a) slow dances on hot summer nights
b) the Harry Potter Pagan Rituals Pop-up Book
c) child sexual abuse by priests
312) According to Alan Dershowitz, “When you torture somebody to death…everybody would acknowledge that’s torture. But placing a sterilized needle under somebody’s fingernails for 15 minutes, causing excruciating pain but no permanent physical damage, is that torture?” Is that torture?
a) yes
b) oh, yeah, definitely
c) YOU SADISTIC FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT MORON! OF COURSE THAT’S FUCKING TORTURE! WHERE IN FUCKING HELL IS YOUR HUMANITY?
313) That was a little extreme, wasn’t it?
a) blue
b) because the Bible says so
c) mynah birds
d) other
314) In response to police anger over images of the failed bombing of a London subway that appeared on its network, representatives of Sky News claimed that they had a stringent process of determining what was newsworthy. What is the best description of that process?
a) the editors all get high and the network leads with the story they drool on the least
b) eeny, meenie, minie, moe (including the part about what my mother told me, because we’re not a bunch of pussies who get all freaked out whenever anybody says anything about our mother!)
c) they ask Rupert Murdoch while he’s wearing his toga, and he sticks his thumb up or down
315) What were former President George H. W. Bush and current Vice President Dick Cheney recently doing in Riyadh?
a) “They came for the waters.” “There are no waters in Riyadh.” “They were misinformed.”
b) the backstroke
c) sucking the…oil pipeline of the Saudi Arabia royal family
d) other
316) What is “intelligent design?”
a) the Catholic Church’s revenge on Darwin
b) what Marvin Minsky has been promising for decades (and, any day, now, the tech will be there…any day, now…)
c) how Mensa members plan to get each other into the sack
d) other
317) Why does the American energy bill give billions of dollars to oil and gas companies?
a) because ExxonMobil only earned $7.5 billion last quarter
b) because Conoco Phillips made only $3.1 billion in the same time period, and it needs to catch up to ExxonMobil
c) syphilis has destroyed the brains of legislators
318) Why does the energy bill include a provision to extend Daylight Savings Time?
a) the Bush administration didn’t want the bill to pass without something that, however minimally, might actually save energy
b) to make Canadian legislators dance (boy, how the Americans love to see Canadian legislators dance!)
c) because there aren’t enough hours in the day
d) other
319) What does the Canadian Medical Association’s endorsement of private health care mean?
a) three more centuries of winter
b) Ralph Klein’s face lighting up like a kid unwrapping his Christmas presents (and, be honest, is that something you really would want to see?)
c) 45 million Canadians will soon be without health insurance
320) WHY ARE SO MANY ANSWERS IN THIS SURVEY ALL IN CAPITOL LETTERS? DON’T YOU KNOW THAT’S LIKE SHOUTING IN PRINT?
a) yeah, well, like, tcha, look who’s talking
b) capitol letters? Isn’t that what Congressmen send to their mistresses so they’ll have embarrassing stories to tell in their memoirs?
c) I was poorly socialized as a child
