“Okay, that was AC/DC’s ‘Back in Black’ for those who want to stay Angus Young...”
“You kind of need a restraining order to stay Angus Young.”
“ROCK AND ROLL!”
“You’re listening to Big Dick radio.”
“You forget something, Dick?”
“What’s that, Dick?”
“The call letters.”
“You mean, C-DIK?”
“Thank you.”
“But, everybody knows those are our call letters.”
“CRTC says if we don’t say them more often, we’ll be sent to our room without cable.”
“Don’t they call that the on-air booth?”
“Speaking of government decisions, I’ve got a bone to pick with New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer.”
“The Spitz, as we like to call him.”
“The Blows Chunks, more like. You know, I’m all for rooting out corruption in big business, but when it takes food out of the mouths of innocent children...”
“Hey! I’ve met your children!”
“Innocent as the driven snow.”
“Innocent as the driven over snow, maybe.”
“As usual, you are completely missing the point.”
“What point would that be, Dick?”
“Spitzer thinks that he can make a name for himself by battling corruption in the music industry just like…uhh…”
“The guy who prosecuted the payola scandal in the fifties?”
“Exactly! But, there’s a big difference between the music industry today and the 1950s.”
“What’s that, Dick?”
“My children are the ones who won’t get the necessities of life this time around!”
“Little Annie does need her private school.”
“Are you mocking my children, Dick?”
“Absolutely not, Dick.”
“Good.”
“You, maybe, but not your children.”
“Look. Annie wouldn’t last a second in public school! She’ll be put through endless humiliation and suffering just because she has no nose. And, for what? So record companies will stop paying to have certain artists played by DJs. Is that a crime?”
“As a matter of fact –”
“That’s the US. We do things differently, here.”
“I don’t know. The Celine Dion marathon last week – if that isn’t a crime, it should be.”
“I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT DESPITE WHAT CYNICAL CRITICS THINK CELINE DION IS A FINE MUSICAL ARTIST! SHE DESERVED EVERY SECOND OF AIRPLAY!”
“A little touchy, there, Dick?”
“And, what’s with Sony saying it was ‘wrong and improper?’ Bunch of pussies. They think any DJ in his right mind would play Audioslave without being paid?”
“Aah, we’re gonna get letters for that one.”
“I say bring ‘em on.”
“You sure you wanna say that, Dick?”
“What do you mean?”
“The last person who said ‘bring ‘em on,’ well, they brought ‘em on. And, they’re still bringing ‘em on. In fact, there’s no end in sight to the bringing ‘em on.”
“You make an interesting point.”
“Well, thank –”
“But, it’s you, so I’m going to ignore it.”
“Fair enough.”
“Because we’re talking about Sony, here. On top of everything else, they pay Spitzer $10 million to make the case go away? TEN…MILLION…DOLLARS? Geez – do you have any idea how many weeks of private school my child could go to for $10 million?”
“A couple of months, at least.”
“Okay, yeah – henh – private schools are a little pricey. But, as with anything in life…food…health care…sex…you get what you pay for.”
“Oh! I see letters from three very different groups of people for that comment.”
“Not necessarily. I’m thinking: hot hooker sous-chef nurses.”
“Should you be thinking that on the air?”
“What? Is Spitzer going to fine me for thinking in the on-air booth?”
“I don’t know about that. But, some of our listeners might be surprised to find out that thinking goes on during the programme.”
“As a matter of fact, I think all the time when I’m in the on-air booth! I think about what I’m going to have for lunch…and what Miss World Natalia Glebova looks like without any…makeup on, and, and…which ball to scratch first…”
“So, you’re a regular Nietzsche.”
“I’d be insulted – if I knew who you were talking about.”
“Freddie Nietzsche. Bartender at the Ferret & Firkin.”
“Whatever. As usual, we seem to be straying from the point.”
“Which is?”
“Spitzer gets another notch on his corporate crime-fighting gun. Sony gets to look like good guys for finally fessing up and doing the right thing. And, you know what? It doesn’t make a lick of difference. Because, once this whole thing has blown over, it’s going to be back to business as usual. Once people stop paying attention, things always return to their naturally corrupt state.”
“You mean, the state where your children get to go to private school for the rest of their lives?”
“…”
“Dick?”
“…”
“Di –”
“Okay, we’ve got to take a commercial break. When we come back, I think we’ll be hearing some…Audioslave. Yeah. That’s it. Audioslave…”