What the Heck Do You Know?
Nothing to Fear but A New Beginning Itself
281) First, President George W. Bush said he would fire anybody who leaked the name of a CIA agent to the press. Now, he says he will fire anybody who is convicted of leaking the name of the CIA agent to the press. What do you have to do to get fired by Bush?
a) kill a fetus while getting Osama bin Laden to inject you with crack cocaine as you’re watching a movie by Michael Moore
b) there’s no way of knowing – it’s never actually happened
c) tell the truth about Nigerian uranium
282) Citing the principle of journalists protecting anonymous sources, Judith Miller has gone to jail rather than tell a Grand Jury who told her Valerie Plame was a CIA agent. Anonymity has traditionally been used to protect whistleblowers against reprisals from the powerful for leaking information that would make them look bad; in this case, information was leaked from the powerful to make a whistleblower look bad. What is the real principle Miller is defending?
a) the “I’m not going to do anything to jeopardize my access to White House sources” principle
b) the “You break it, you bought it” principle
c) the “Victoria” Principal
283) In defending the White House against accusations of smearing the reputation of administration critic Joe Wilson, Republican National Committee Chair Ken Mehlman went on national TV and continued to smear the reputation of administration critic Joe Wilson. Why?
a) he was in a foul mood because just before he went on air he was accidentally poked in the eye by one of his talking points
b) if it works, keep doing it, and, even if it stops working, keep doing it anyway because it’s a lot of fun
c) Tourette’s
284) At one press conference, journalists forced White House spokesweasel Scott McLellan to respond “I really can’t comment” to questions about Karl Rove 35 times. What’s gotten into them?
a) Viagra
b) polenta
c) one of their own is in jail – this time, it’s personal!
285) You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?
a) are you kidding? I haven’t had this much fun since Nixon resigned!
b) wha –? No, of course not. I would never take personal pleasure in the destruction of the career of a power broker just because he had abused his authority! I – I – aww, ya got me! Like McDonald’s says.
c) this is better than Viagra
286) British Prime Minister Tony Blair has accused his critics of using “perverted logic.” What kind of logic did they use to provoke this outburst?
a) the purple kind
b) the kind where causes (attacking other countries) have effects (they fight back with whatever weapons they have at their disposal) – all that Enlightenment hooey means nothing in these post-modern times
c) the kind where you end up taking your diaper off and getting a long, hard spanking
287) An Etobicoke Councillor accused Gloria Lindsay Luby of being “a waste of skin.” How does one waste skin?
a) by taking it off the turkey before serving
b) by putting the Petri dish through the shredder before the cops raid your illegal cloning factory
c) by letting it stay on even after you have left the room
288) After the 9/11 terrorist attack, politicians insisted that we must continue to live our lives as we had before or the terrorists would have won. Which of the following most accurately depicts how the terrorists have won?
a) we now accept torture as government policy; we now believe that Rob Schneider is talented enough to star in movies; the government is allowed to indiscriminately read our mail and tap our phones and computers; we can be arbitrarily stopped and searched by police officers
b) we now accept torture as government policy; we now accept the disappearance of citizens; the government is allowed to indiscriminately read our mail and tap our phones and computers; we can be arbitrarily stopped and searched by police officers
c) we now accept torture as government policy; we now accept the disappearance of citizens; all of a sudden we’re worried that the spotted owl doesn’t get enough credit as “nature’s most thoughtful predator;” we can be arbitrarily stopped and searched by police officers
d) we now accept torture as government policy; we now accept the disappearance of citizens; the government is allowed to indiscriminately read our mail and tap our phones and computers; we now accept the inevitability of Bill Gates being featured on the American 10 dollar bill
289) Police recently discovered a tunnel between the United States and Canada. What was the tunnel for?
a) to get the POWs out of the German prison camp
b) the world’s biggest underground water slide
c) hamster exercise
290) The Rev. Louis P. Sheldon, chairman of the Traditional Values Coalition, said that the appointment of Judge John Roberts’ provided “an unparalleled opportunity to restore the proper role of the Supreme Court.” What is the proper role of the Supreme Court?
a) adjudicating disputes on American Idol
b) getting Dick Cheney a soda when he gets thirsty
c) to let the President do whatever he wants because – haven’t you heard? – there’s a war on and it’s a lonely job but somebody’s gotta do it
291) Iraqi Prime Minister Ibrahim Jafari and 10 of his ministers recently met with Iranian leaders. Why would the Prime Minister of a newly democratic country meet with representatives of an “axis of evil” country?
a) Jafari’s plane was hijacked while on the way to Acapulco, and he decided to avail himself of Iran’s world-famous hospitality while he was there
b) good defence agreements make good neighbours
c) who cares? Jafari was bought, and if he doesn’t stay bought, we have ways of deal – oh, wait, this isn’t an audition for the off-Broadway production of Godfather!, is it?
292) What is your response to the idea that the United States cannot withdraw from Iraq because that would cause a loss of prestige for the country around the world?
a) do Americans ever pay attention to what people around the world actually think of them now?
b) didn’t General William Westmoreland just die? Because the whole loss of prestige argument is ringing some pretty serious bells, if you know what I mean…
c) no, seriously, if the United States cared about its international reputation, it wouldn’t have invaded Iraq in the first place
293) A company called Wait Wear is developing underwear for Christians with such abstinence before marriage slogans as “No Vows No Sex” and “Virginity Lane: Exit When Married.” What should be their next slogan?
a) “If You Can Read This You’re Too Close.”
b) “If You Can Read This You’re Not Close Enough.”
c) “Objects In Underwear Appear Larger Than In Real Life.”
294) Why is the United States giving India access to advanced civilian nuclear technology, pretty much ensuring that it will develop nuclear weapons?
a) because nice children share their toys with their friends
b) because the next time the US invades a country, it intends to make sure the country really does have weapons of mass destruction, dammit!
c) because Dick Cheney felt it was time to give new meaning to the phrase “China Syndrome”
295) Under what circumstances did Major-General Zhu Chenghu state: “We Chinese will prepare ourselves for the destruction of all of the cities east of Xian. Of course, the Americans will have to be prepared that hundreds of cities will be destroyed by the Chinese”?
a) the American government forcing China to put Fat Actress on its national television network
b) President Bush asking why all those Falun Gong members stood in funny poses without moving
c) Dick Cheney developing American foreign policy based on so-so movies from the 1970s
296) John Roberts, President Bush’s nominee to fill the Supreme Court position made available by retiring Justice Sandra Day O’Connor, is often described as a nice guy. Why?
a) after he ruled in favour of the violently anti-abortion Operation Rescue, Roberts helped a little old lady across the street
b) when, as a junior White House lawyer, he argued to slow down the enforcing of laws against discrimination, Roberts consistently refrained from kicking dogs
c) when he went to Florida to advise Jeb Bush on how to hand the 2000 Presidential election to his brother George W., Roberts always held the door open for pregnant women
d) all of the above, because that’s just the nice kind of guy he is
297) Who would make a better leader of the Liberal Party: Bob Rae or Michael Ignatieff?
a) Bob Rae, because his brief tenure as Premier was considered a golden time in Ontario politi…uhh, yeah…right…
b) Michael Ignatieff, because after 35 years living outside Canada, he will bring a fresh perspective to…uhh, yeah…right…
c) oh, my god, has it really come to this?
298) How do you pronounce Tajikistan?
a) like that Greek sauce with “stan” tacked onto the end
b) like you’ve just swallowed a cam shaft and want to get it down your throat as quickly as possible
c) who cares? Give it a few days, and it’ll split into another two countries
299) Karl Rove said, “Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the attacks and prepared for war. Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers.” How could he say such a thing?
a) he was mainlining Conservative propaganda, and the high allows you to ignore inconvenient facts (like: Democrats in Congress overwhelmingly supported the war in Afghanistan)
b) he was just following the law of conservation of energy: don’t smear individuals when, with the same effort, you can smear entire groups of people
c) he’s a closet psychiatry patient and, like all people who are in denial, he lashes out at others of his kind
300) You just refuse to let this Rove thing go, don’t you?
a) I’m just a pit bull of luuuuuuv
b) when you’ve got a good thing going, run it into the ground
c) what part of “haven’t had this much fun since Nixon resigned” do you not understand?
