‘Publican Presidential Pronouncements Parser (P4)
Price: $25,000.12
Time Left: 6 daysQuantity: 12.
History: The Prototype P4 was developed under a shroud of secrecy in an unnamed northern state. Only 37 were manufactured before the Bush administration discovered the whereabouts of the factory and shut it down on national security grounds, claiming that the manufacturer was a terrorist. Of those units that were made, only a dozen survived the raid, smuggled out of the state by gruntled workers.
Item Location: Wouldn’t you like to know?
Description: Like the Star Trekian universal translator or the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxycal Babel fish, the Presidential Pronouncements Parser takes what a Republican President says and turns what he means into easily understandable English. EXAMPLE: Input: “I hope that Congress will consider my nominee for the vacant Supreme Court position with a spirit of by-partisan cooperation.” Output: “I intend to install a Supreme Court Justice who passes the litmus test of the religious right, and will destroy anybody who dares to question my choice.” If you are not fluent in right wing bafflegab, the ‘Publican Preisdential Pronouncements Parser is a must-have item!
You Worship Your Religious Icons, We’ll Worship Ours
Price: $10,000 plus medical expenses
Time Left: 60 daysQuantity: 1.
History: I was born 27 years ago in the middle of an ice storm in Tijuana, Mexico. Growing up in Malvern, Ontario, nobody thought I would amount to much. Really. I can’t begin to tell you how often people told me I wouldn’t amount to much. “Dex,” they would say, “You’re not going to amount to much.” Over and over again. Well, I’ve had to stop pumping gas in order to protect my thumb, but, boy, will this prove them wrong!
Item Location: The thumb of my right hand.
Description: My fingerprint, looked at sideways...in low light...while you squint...is the spitting image of Obi-Wan Kenobi from the Star Wars movies. Not Ewan McGregor's Obi-Wan, either, but the real Obi-Wan, Alec Guinness. But, don’t take my word for it. Harry Knowles of Ain’t It Cool News has authenticated the image, and nobody could accuse him of opportunism! Now, for a price, the Obi-Wan fingerprint can be yours! I will have the top layers of skin surgically removed from my finger; you can then have them grafted onto your own finger at your leisure. Or, for an additional fee, I will have the entire finger amputated. Perfect for creating a human Obi-Wan stamp! Impress your friends! Disgust your enemies! Bid now!
For Those Who Like To Live Life On The Edge: What’s Your Beef?
Price: $1,000 a steak, $20,000 for the entire cow (butchery for free)
Time Left: 1 daysQuantity: 3 cows (with more likely to come)
History: The purity of the food supply is one of America’s sacred c –well, it’s very, very important. That’s why the government has cut back on funding for meat inspectors while quietly allowing farmers to feed livestock with meal made out of dead c – okay, not a great example. But, that certainly is why the government stopped importing cows from Canada after one case of mad cow disease was found, and why this time they are serious about protecting the purity of America’s food supply now that several cows with…ummm… you know what? Screw the purity of America’s food supply! America’s loss is your gain!
Item Location: various locations throughout the United States
Description: You’re probably wondering why I’m asking so much for steaks and other cow meat when there are already so many cows in the United States. Simple. These aren’t just any cows: they’re cows that have been diagnosed with bovine spongiform…uhh…mad cow disease. That’s right – they have a fatal illness that could be passed on to you when you eat their flesh IF it isn’t properly cooked. Why take that risk? Why do otherwise sane, rational people eat puffer fish? For the thrill of it! Let’s face it: you’re never more alive than when you think you could die at any moment! And, I’m not talking any old death, either, but a grizzly, brain-eating death! Sure, you could go sky-diving. You could take up race car driving. You could try to explain to Jennifer Aniston what a great humanitarian Angelina Jolie is. Instead, why not play food chain roulette! The thrill is worth every penny!