1) How come you’re sucking up to Angelina Jolie?
No, no, no. It wasn’t me. It was Maureen Pfester, the creator of the Web site Listen Up, Asshole. I just occasionally excerpt her writing in The Daily Me, I don’t actually write that stuff. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Shut up! Jeezus, what are you trying to do, destroy readers’ suspension of disbelief or something? I’m telling you, it wasn’t me, it was Maureen Pfester. Maureen. Not me. Okay?
3) Okay, okay. Why is…”Maureen” sucking up to Angelina Jolie?
Are you kidding? I live three thousand – I mean, uhh, Maureen – Maureen lives three thousand miles from Los Angeles. Angelina Jolie is one of the most powerful, beautiful women in the world and Maureen – we’re talking about Maureen, now – is a middle-aged nobody. Angelina Jolie is a wealthy, glamourous movie star. Maureen is a…writer.
Oh, god, yes, who do I have to kill to spend five minutes in Angelina Jolie’s shadow?
4) It’s been a long time since the last update of Frequently Unasked Questions. Why is that?
I, uhh, I’m trying to retain some small shred of dignity.
5) How do you get articles from the Alternate Reality News Service?
From their Web site. The seven-dimensional hyperURL is: ht @ f .uni.
6) Isn’t one reality enough for you?
One reality would be enough for me if it wasn’t this one.
7) Which reality would you prefer?
One that didn’t contain Cedric the Entertainer as Ralph Kramden.
8) You do know that the word “echo” has an “h” in it, don’t you?
Sometimes, I write with a cockney accent.
I suspect I was Alfie in a previous life. Not Jude Law’s Alfie, of course, but the original Michael Caine version.
10) How long do you think you can keep this up?
That’s a rather personal question, isn’t it?
I do not.
Don’t.
Don’t.
Don’t.
No, it isn’t.
16) There! Didn’t you just do it again?
Do you really want to waste the next five questions arguing about that?
Until we stop breeding stupid people.
At least until the sun turns nova. After that, we’ll see.
19) What have you got against broccoli?
Okay, look, I’ve dealt with that question in interviews many times – don’t you think it’s time to forget about it and move on? For the record: two or three – what the hell do you call bits of broccoli, anyway? – two or three bits of broccoli as a garnish may be fine as long as they know their place on the dinner plate. However, in the eternal battle between broccoli and baked potatoes for world side dish supremacy, I side with the potatoes for a variety of historical, social and religious reasons. Reasonable people can agree to disagree on this issue. Unreasonable people can kiss my ass.
20) That’s rather harsh, isn’t it?
You got something against my ass?
21) Uhh, do you mind if I change the subject?
I wish you would.
Is that a question?
Why is what?
Only after I’ve been drinking cheap Merlot.
I think perhaps it’s time for you to lay off the Merlot.
26) Oh, very fu – wait a minute! You don’t even drink alcohol!
Is that a question?
27) Sorry. How can you say that about Merlot when you’re a teatotaler?
Say what?