“We’re going to have to do something about the corruption in the business community.”
“Oh, absolutely.”
“You agree?”
“Completely. Corruption is undermining trust in the economic system. If people think the game is rigged, they won’t invest in the stock market, which will cause share prices to plummet. That’s assuming that they don’t just hold some sort of…revolution…”
“Okay…okay, then. Good. I was thinking that what the government needs to do is –”
“ARE YOU INSANE! Don’t you understand that business is the engine that drives the economy? If you insist upon shackling us with your damnable red tape, we won’t be competitive with corporations from countries who aren’t hell bent on stalling their economy with unnecessary regulations.”
“But, I haven’t –”
“WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? If you insist upon tampering in any way with executive compensation, how will American corporations be able to compete with foreign corporations for the best executives? Good god, man, you might as well just hand the economy over to the Chinese!”
“But –”
“Look: if you’re going to talk crazy talk, there’s no point in continuing this conversation. Don’t you understand that our accounting firm is working within generally accepted accounting principles? Why, I should advise them to sue your ass for the way you’re trying to smear their good name!”
“But, I haven’t suggested anything yet!”
“…True.”
“You do understand that something has to be done about corrupt business practices in this country?”
“Certainly. A corporation which is willing to break the law has an unfair advantage over one that lives within the law. This puts pressure on everybody to break the law just to remain competitive. Not only that, but consumers suffer from higher prices and taxes – to go to clean up illegal dumping of environmental toxins, for example – to pay for corporate corruption. No, it must be dealt with.”
“You’re sure?”
“Positive.”
“Okay. Because I was thinking –”
“OH, MY GOD, WHY DON’T YOU JUST STEAL MY WIFE AND KILL MY CHILDREN!”
“That was a little extreme, wasn’t it?”
“Corporate corruption is an emotional subject.”
“But, you know that it has to be dealt with.”
“How many different ways can I say absolutely? The law is the law. If enough people break the law with impunity, belief in it will erode. That way leads anarchy, my friend, and we cannot have that. It’s bad for business.”
“Right. So…”
“Yes?”
“So…”
“I’m listening.”
“So, we should –”
“What are you trying to do? Spitzer all over me?”
“That sounds unhygienic.”
“And, I just had this suit cleaned.”
“What are you talking about? I just wanted to suggest –”
“I’m talking about crusading District Attorneys who are trying to reregulate industry by shaking down businesses for outrageous sums of money on absurd, trumped up charges. They –”
“You know, I –”
“They weren’t elected to make the laws. These DAs are usurping the function of state and federal legislatures! Granted, their popularity may make it easier for them to run for public office at some undisclosed point in the future, but, really, if they want to make their careers on the backs of business, they should wait until they are elected first.”
“Look, I don’t think –”
“Have I mentioned that business is the engine that runs the economy?”
“Yes.”
“Well, it’s important enough to bear repeating, dammit!”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t help but wonder if your commitment to ending corporate corruption is sincere.”
“Of course I am personally committed to ending corporate corruption! Good lord, man, I’ve got a family. Do you think I would be able to look them in the eye when I came home from work at night if I knew that the money that had bought the bread on the table had been illegally earned?”
“I’m not accusing you personally of anything. It’s just that –”
“The top echelons of management in American corporations are getting tarred with the same brush of corruption even though it’s just a few bad apples who have drunk from that poisoned chalice. Most upper managers are family men just like me. Even the ones who have abandoned their families for trophy wives, well, at least they’re supporting somebody, you know?”
“I would find it a lot easier to believe you were sincere if you would actually listen to one of my proposals.”
“I’m here to listen.”
“…”
“Still listening.”
“I think the first thing the government should do is…issue a statement saying that it has full faith in the integrity of the country’s corporate heads, and that it’s just going after the relatively small number who aren’t honest.”
“Sounds good.”
“Then –”
“WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO? BANKRUPT THE COUNTRY?”
“…Do you have any aspirin? Looks like it’s going to be a long day…”