“Repeat after me: Howdy, y’all.”
“Howdy, y’all.”
“Hope them twisters ain’t so bad this year.”
“Hope them twisters ain’t so bad this year.”
“Think the Red Sox’ll repeat?”
“Think the Red Sox’ll repeat?”
“What are Red Sox?”
“Pardon me?”
“Red socks – is that some sort of laundry catastrophe?”
“No, no, no. The Red Sox are a baseball team.”
“Baseball?”
“That’s right.”
“And, what, pray tell, is baseball?”
“It’s an American form of cricket, only slower.”
“Oh, this is futile.”
“No, no, no. In your work in the call centre, you will be speaking to a wide variety of Americans. It is important that you know how to speak English.”
“But, we already speak English.”
“Ah, but you do not speak American English.”
“No. Our English is better.”
“Exactly! When you are attempting to sell a new telephone rate plan to Americans, it is imperative that they not know that you are calling from Mumbai.”
“Why?”
“Americans resent the fact that people from other countries are taking low wage, mind-numbingly repetitious jobs away from them.”
“One can hardly blame them for that.”
“True. Nonetheless, we have a job to do. So, if there are no more questions… Repeat after me: Would you like fucking Plan A…?”
“Would you like fucking Plan A…?”
“…or would you prefer the extra two hours of fucking Plan B?”
“…or would you prefer the extra two hours of fucking Plan B?”
“You will be saving at least $50 a month – I wouldn’t shit you.”
“You will be saving at least $50 a month – I wouldn’t shit you.”
“Have a nice day, asshole.”
“Have a nice day, asshole.”
“Why are you teaching us to use profanity?”
“Americans punctuate their sentences with profanity. I believe they believe that it makes them sound more sincere.”
“Aren’t some Americans highly religious?”
“That is undoubtedly true, yes.”
“Will they not be offended by our use of profane language?”
“Yes, but you will be able to identify them fairly quickly.”
“How?”
“They will hang up on you. No matter. They’re not our primary market.”
“But, do we not coarsen our own souls when we use profanity?”
“Please keep in mind that your primary job will be to telephone unwary people, usually interrupting their dinner or worse, in order to sell them something they don’t want.”
“You’re right. Our souls are already doomed.”
“Now, you each have been given a sheet of colloquial phrases that are appropriate to the area of America which you will be calling. Simply insert a phrase from the sheet into the sales pitch script at an appropriate moment. This will create a greater rapport with the potential customer. Raji – why don’t you read the first item on your sheet of colloquial phrases?”
“Ya know, I just loves grits.”
“Not bad. You might want to stretch the word love out for a couple more seconds.”
“Ya know, I just looooves grits.”
“Better. Much better.”
“Does it not, though, sound somewhat insincere?”
“Studies have shown that elongating a vowel sound for 4.3 seconds sounds insincere, but elongating it for 2.7 seconds sounds sincere. You’d best count it off in your head until you get the hang of it. Now, Raji, please read your script.”
“Where should I insert the colloquial phrase?”
“Where it says INSERT COLLOQUIAL PHRASE HERE, of course.”
“Of course. Ahem. Ha-hem. You will find that we offer the lowest nighttime rates of any phone company in the country, and our daytime rates are highly competitive. Ya know, I just loooves grits.”
“Good. Good. You’re holding back a little on the word ‘loves,’ but, otherwise, it was fine.”
“But, the colloquial phrase had nothing to do with the sales script. If I do this, won’t I sound like I cannot follow a single thought?”
“Absolutely. You will sound just like an American.”
“Ah.”
“You will notice that the script affords you many opportunities to insert colloquial expressions into your sales pitch. Do not repeat the same expression over and over again! Studies show that if you repeat the same phrase six times, the person you are speaking to will get the impression that you are obsessed. Repeat the phrase more than six times, and the person you are speaking to will get the impression that you are psychotic. Unless you hope to sell through fear, a little common sense is called for, here. I like to put a little check mark next to every colloquial expression I have used in a sales pitch in order to ensure that I don’t use any more than once.
Are there any other questions? No? Good. Then, let us consider the issue of references to the pervious evening’s television programmes…”