What the Heck Do You Know?
A New Beginning Gains Three Quarters of a Point In Light Trading
221) Who can possibly fill Alan Greenspan's shoes?
a) Pauly Shore
b) Homer Simpson
c) a sock puppet
222) Which of the following proves conclusively that George Lucas has gone over to the dark side?
a) Darth Vader shilling M&M candies
b) Darth Potato Head
c) his guest appearance on The O.C.
d) all of the above, and your little Jar Jar Binks, too
223) According to Jacques Lamarre, CEO of SNC-Lavalin Group, he doesn't know where the bullets his company manufactures and sells to the American government end up. Where, oh where could they possibly be?
a) South Carolina
b) Donald Rumsfeld's back pocket (he's saving them for a special occasion)
c) the bodies of guests at an Iraqi wedding
224) Apparently, Barbie is not popular in Saudi Arabia, possibly because of her undying support for the state of Israel. What model would make Barbie dolls popular in the Arab kingdom?
a) Burqa Barbie
b) Bomber Barbie (Burqa Barbie with a bomb strapped to her stomach)
c) Stay At Home And Obey Your Hubbie Barbie (although this one would probably be hard to come by in the Middle East because it would be popular in the American heartland, as well)
225) What is secondary orality?
a) the reason so many Americans are overweight
b) the spare orality you should keep in your trunk in case of a flat
c) how would I know? My boyfriend doesn't even practice primary orality!
226) The Republican Party doesn't want journalists to refer to their plan to end filibusters of White House nominees as "the nuclear option" any more. What is the current preferred term for it?
a) the "We Plan To Always Get Our Way, So Screw You" option
b) the "Nyah, Nyah, You're Running Out Of Options" option
c) Guinevere
227) Conservatives took offense at buttons worn by Young Liberals that read "It's the Charter, Stupid," claiming that it was a personal insult. What should the Young Liberals have put on their next button?
a) "It's the Takeoff Of An American Slogan That, Although It Sounds Insulting, Really Isn't Directed At Anybody, Stupid"
b) "It's the Irony, Stupid"
c) "It's the Stupidity, Stupid"
228) Why do Republicans hate the New Deal so much?
a) because it curtailed their ability to deal themselves aces from the bottom of the deck
b) don't take it personally - they hate pretty much everything
c) because of the 11th commandment: Thou shalt not assist the least of you; thou shalt, in fact, kick them in their sensitive bits at every opportunity (The Gospel of Eddie, book 7, chapter 3, verse 23)
229) What's the difference between the campaign for civil rights for blacks and the campaign for civil rights for gays?
a) Martin Luther King didn't look fabulous in leopard skin clothing and chains
b) one has black on the left side of his face and white on his right while the other has white on the left side of his face and black on the right - obviously, they must annihilate each other
c) THEY'RE GODDAM QUEERS FOR CHRIST SAKE! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY EQUATE THE TWO MOVEMENTS?!
230) What is instrumental irrationalism?
a) a philosophical position which sees all human beings as potential targets for pies
b) what happens when you put your instrument in a place nature hadn't intended for it to go
c) what nine out of 10 people who play doctors on TV recommend you put on your rash
231) What do you call the policy where the United States demands countries like Iran and North Korea to live up to their commitments to nuclear on-proliferation treaties, while itself pulling out of such treaties or saying they don't apply to the US?
a) do as I say, not as I do diplomacy
b) Ingrid
c) it doesn't matter what you call it, just don't call it late for dinner
232) Why is the armed civilian group that patrolled a 23-mile strip of the Arizona-Mexico border throughout the month of April known as Minutemen?
a) that's a rather personal question, isn't it?
b) because "Members of the National Alliance and Other Neo-Nazi Groups" didn't resonate as well with focus groups
c) oh, leave them alone - can't you see that they're just a bunch of crazy kids with guns and ammo and a hate-on for immigrants? Like you never tried to beat a Mexican to death when you were young and in love!
233) Why do they have the support of California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger?
a) if Californians are angry at him for supporting racists, they may forget how angry they are at him for cutting the budgets of schools, hospitals and firefighters
b) because Arnie opposes the "girly-men" who don't want illegal immigration "terminated" and...and...shit, governing is a lot harder than striking macho poses while spouting silly quotes from movies
c) he can empathize with them because it takes him less than a minute to - oh, wait, that's a rather personal question, isn't it?
234) The Conservatives and Bloc passed, by a margin of 153 to 150, a motion instructing a parliamentary committee to recommend that the government resign. How Canadian. However, the motion isn't binding and the Liberal government is planning to ignore it. Why bother?
a) so Stephen Harper can determine if his members in iron lungs and on life support will show up for parliamentary votes
b) so the editorial columnists of the Sun, Globe and Post will have something to fill outraged columns with for the next couple of days
c) it sure beats letting the Liberals actually govern
234) After the re-election of George Bush as President, Grover Norquist, the president of Americans for Tax Reform and a leading figure in both the Tom DeLay and Bush political operations, told Richard Leiby of The Washington Post, "Any farmer will tell you that certain animals run around and are unpleasant. But when they've been 'fixed,' then they are happy and sedate. They are contented and cheerful." Who was he talking about?
a) Miss Piggy
b) his campaign contributors
c) Jack
d) other
235) The European Union has determined that only Greeks will be allowed to call unpasteurized goat's milk or a mixture of sheep's milk and goat's milk curdled with rennet feta cheese. What should other nations that make a similar cheese call it?
a) white crumbly cheesy stuff that would go good on your salad
b) unpasteurized goat's milk or a mixture of sheep's milk and goat's milk curdled with rennet
c) they call it Mister Tibbs!
236) Pierre has 10 envelops filled with hundred dollar bills. He gives seven to supporters of the Liberal Party. How many does he have left?
a) four
b) none - Pierre wouldn't stop until all of his envelops filled with hundred dollar bills had been given away to supporters of the Liberal Party
c) don't you think we have to wait until Gomery submits his final report before we can determine that?
237) Of the following pairs of statements, choose the one which is the less plausible.
a) "Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction before the US invaded Iraq."; "Yasser Arafat was poisoned by the CIA."
b) "The invasion of Iraq is a Zionist plot to destroy the country."; "Iraq was responsible for the 9/11 terrorist attack on the United States."
c) "The Pentagon covers up much higher than admitted rates of US fatalities in Iraq by dumping bodies in the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers."; "The Iraqi insurgency is made up of 'foreign terrorists.'"
238) What would be the best gift for her this Mother's Day?
a) breakfast in bed and better maternity leave benefits
b) a box of chocolates and publicly funded not for profit daycare
c) a bottle of perfume and equal wages for work of equal value
239) What can fliers with United Airlines expect if the company, as announced, defaults on its pension obligations, costing its employees $4 billion?
a) flight attendants will throw bags of peanuts at the heads of fliers
b) the only movie shown on any flight will be Reds, which will be followed by a spirited and no doubt entertaining discussion of the ramifications of the corporate underfunding of pension plans on the lives of workers
c) ground crews won't be so diligent about ensuring that bags and suitcases are put on the proper flight
240) Who are Jack, Guinevere and Ingrid?
a) straw dogs that prove the proposition that bad jokes don't get better through repetition
b) a folk group from the 60s
c) figments of a demented imagination (and don't you think you should get help for that?)
