“Nyah, what’s up, Doc?”
“Be vewwy, vewwy quiet. We’we hunting Cwintons.”
“You mean, like Tarantino and…and Crisp?”
“Not Quintons! Cwintons! Like Biww and Hiwwawy!”
“Gotcha. Say, Doc, I don’t mean to rain on your petunia patch or nothing, but are you sure they’re in season?”
“Whaddya mean?”
“I mean, Bill isn’t the President any more, so there doesn’t seem to be much poi –”
“You’we wong! Wong! Wong! Wong! Wong! Wong! Wong! Wong!”
“Not me, Doc. I never even been to China.”
“I meant incowwect. You see, it’s awways Cwinton hunting season! Hiwwawy is still a Senatow fwom the state of New Yowk, and the wumouw is that she wants to wun fow Pwesident in 2008! She’s totawwy faiw game!”
“I thought you said we needed to be quiet.”
“I AM BEING QUI – awwight, awwight, you got me thewe.”
“I, ahh, see that this is a very emotional subject for you.”
“You got that wight.”
“So, ehh, tell me, doc, what kind of ammo are you using?”
“Whitewatew.”
“What, that old thing?”
“Whaddya mean?”
“No offense meant, doc, but that ammo wouldn’t bring down a gnat in a tornado. Got anything else?”
“Thewe was Biww’s infidewity. The Staww wepowt was vewy damaging. Vewy, vewy damaging.”
“Oh, sure, doc, sure. And, after it was released, Clinton’s popularity went up. Somebody really shot themselves in the foot with that one, and I don’t think it was the former President. Got anything else?”
“Weww…”
“Would you like something juicy?”
“Suwe.”
“Something that all Americans could agree was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong?”
“You’ve piqued my intewest. Go on.”
“Something that would probably be an impeachable offense?”
“Now you’we talking! What is it?”
“Naah, you probably wouldn’t be interested.”
“Teww me! Teww me! Teww me!”
“You sure you wanna know?”
“Teww me! Teww me! Teww me! Teww me! Teww me! Teww me!”
“Okay, doc. You asked for it. What if the President lied about the reason for going to war, sending our brave sons and daughters to be killed for reasons he kept hidden from the public?”
“Awe you sewious?”
“Dead serious.”
“That’s a howwible, howwible thing fow a Pwesident to do! He should be immediatewy impeached!”
“Wait. There’s more.”
“Weawwy?”
“Really. What if the President pushed through tax cuts that made the federal deficit balloon so that he would have an excuse to slash social programmes AND misled the American people into thinking that they would benefit when most of the tax cuts actually went to the richest five per cent of the population?”
“I don’t know…that’s kind of abstwact.”
“Ah, but, what if he paid for his tax cuts by cutting benefits to our brave men and women fighting for democracy overseas?”
“Who?”
“Our soldiers.”
“OH! He’s a monstew! He’s a tewwible, tewwible mon – hey! Wait a minute! Who awe you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the President.”
“Not Pwesident Cwinton. He didn’t do any of that.”
“You got me, doc. I was talking about President Bush.”
“That’s Hawdwy faiw!”
“Nyah, how do you figure?”
“You’we just engaging in the powitics of pewsonal destwuction!”
“I am?”
“That’s wight.”
“Why is it when you attack Clinton for some minor sexual indiscretion, it’s fair game, but when I actually talk about Bush’s record, it’s foul?”
“Because Bush is the bettew Pwesident.”
“He is?”
“Evewybody knows that.”
“I hate to disillusion ya, Doc, but I think Clinton was the better President.”
“What? Nevew! Bush was bettew!”
“Clinton was better.”
“Bush!”
“Clinton!”
“Bush!”
“Clinton!”
“Bush!”
“Clinton!”
“Bush!”
“Bush!”
“Cwinton!”
“Bush!”
“Cwinton!”
“Bush!”
“Cwinton!”
“Bush!”
“Cwinton was the bettew Pwesident and I don’t wanna heaw anothew wowd about it!”
“Whatever you say, Doc.”
“The man was a giant who desewves to be wevewed thwoughout the – hey, wait just a minute! Who am I talking about?”
“President Clinton?”
“No! I was talking about Pwesident Bush!”
“Then, why did you keep mentioning President Clinton?”
“Because you kept mentioning Pwesident Bush!”
“You know, Doc, you’re right. I did keep mentioning President Clinton.”
“No, Pwesident Bush.”
“That’s what I said: President Clinton.”
“No – you – I – actually – that is to say – I – I – I think I need to lie down for a while.”
“That’s a good idea, Doc. Presidential politics can sometimes be difficult to understand.”
“You got that wight. Ooh, my aching head!”
“Hunh. Ain’t I a stinker?”