What the Heck Do You Know?
A New Beginning Is So 1973
161) Ontarians were shocked – no, outraged – to find that they send more money to Ottawa in taxes than they receive in services, some sort of outrageous (see?) Communist plot to help the less fortunate provinces. What other information should be kept from these simple souls for their own protection?
a) Santa Claus sold Christmas, Inc. to Hasbro Toys, and is currently enjoying retirement (not to mention a fat settlement) in the Cayman Islands
b) the tooth fairy has AIDS from a time when she carelessly collected the teeth of an HIV positive child in Africa
c) in his younger days, American President George W. Bush skipped out on his military duty – ssh
162) How can you tell the ancient relic you just bought is not as ancient or relicicious as you thought?
a) the purported ossuary of a relative of Jesus has an inscription that reads (in terrible Latin): “hanging with my homey Ziggy”
b) the tablets appearing to be about repairs to Solomon’s Temple refer to “filling in the hole with a back hoe”
c) when you turn it over, it says, “Made in Japan”
163) What is the most ironic thing about the American government’s efforts to reduce the ability of individuals to legally declare bankruptcy?
a) who do you think is more deserving of bankruptcy protection: the guy who has to declare bankruptcy after paying for chronic spleen care for several years or the corporation with a market cap of $10 billion that was really nothing more than a Ponzi scheme with a great publicist?
b) the Bush administration’s economic policy in its first term amounted to “max out your credit cards or the terrorists will have won!”
c) who does the government think is going to be able to afford to buy its debt when half the people in the country are living in indentured servitude to their debtors?
164) Who or what are “cyberbangers?”
a) people who get so frustrated with buggy computer programmes that they pummel the tops of their monitors with their fists
b) virtual bratwursts
c) people who know what the word “teledildonics” means – and aren’t afraid to use it in a sentence!
165) Half of the oil revenues in Iraq – $8.8 billion worth – cannot be accounted for. Where, oh, where could they possibly be?
a) Kelowna, BC
b) funny thing about oil revenues – they’re never where you expect them to be. Have you looked in your sock drawer?
c) I could have sworn they were in Halliburton’s back pocket – no, sorry, that’s just the Vice President…
166) President Bush recently made the following statement: “Because the – all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There’s a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those – changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be – or closer delivered to what has been promised.” What was he talking about?
a) raising the legal drinking age from 18 to 35
b) his stewardship of the Texas Rangers
c) his favourite Christian rock band
167) On a fold-out card to be kept in a (pretty thick) wallet given to Marines stationed in Iraq, what is the first phrase translated from English to native languages?
a) “You know, it’s easier to get blood stains out of white wedding dresses than you might have thought.”
b) “Don’t be such a whiner – the human body can exist for…days without clean drinking water.”
c) “I’m best friends with Johnny Depp.”
168) What lesson can we learn from the news that Municipal Affairs Minister John Gerretson, despite statements to the contrary, spoke with prominent developer Silvio De Gasparis, whose land in Vaughan was subsequently exempted from Ontario’s greenbelt plan?
a) look both ways before crossing the street
b) never take candy from a stranger
c) the green in greenbelt does not refer to plant life
169) How did you celebrate National Women’s Day?
a) I was a woman
b) I wanted to become a woman
c) I lusted after a woman
170) You…kind of missed the point, didn’t you?
a) oh, yeah, like you’re so subtle
b) sorry, I wasn’t paying attention – I was too busy wondering why his show was canceled if everybody loves Raymond
c) hey! You celebrate women your way, I’ll celebrate them mine!
171) Why does American President George W. Bush’s demand that Syria get its troops out of Lebanon by May ring a little hollow?
a) the President has consistently refused to set a firm deadline for getting American troops out of Iraq (ringing a little hollow? Man, that ring echoes worse than the Washington press corps!)
b) the same day the President made his speech, 500,000 Syrians took to the streets to demonstrate their desire that Syria remain in Lebanon (ringing a little hollow? Man, there isn’t enough cotton in the world to keep that sound out of your ears!)
c) the President demanded that Syria abide by a United Nations Security Council resolution to pull all of its troops out of Lebanon the day after it announced that it was appointing America’s strongest United Nations critic to be Ambassador to the UN (can anybody teach me sign language, cause I know I’m gonna be deaf after this!)
172) Why is Wayne Gretzky shilling for McDonald’s new campaign that stresses healthy eating and physical activity?
a) he’s not satisfied with owning one shopping mall – he won’t be happy until he owns all of the shopping malls in Canada!
b) he misses seeing himself on TV
c) since he retired, Gretzky has actually ballooned to 357 pounds, and he owes it all to Big Macs
173) Berkshire Hathaway made $1.63 billion in the fourth quarter of 2004 by betting against the American dollar. Why hasn’t Warren Buffett been lynched yet?
a) his charming smile and unique way of interpreting a show tune
b) he played the second Darren on Bewitched and everybody loves him for it
c) he’s not black
174) A bold headline in the Toronto Sun read: “Bush returns Martin’s call.” What’s next for this wacky relationship?
a) George Bush will buy a corsage and ask Paul Martin to the prom
b) George Bush will beg Paul Martin’s forgiveness for straying after he has a falling out with Vladimir Putin
c) Condoleezza Rice will think she overhears Paul Martin talking positively on the phone about missile defence, when he’s actually talking about the pepperoni and anchovies pizza at Mama Mia’s Pizzeria, and hilarity will ensue
175) Why has Kraft Foods decided to discontinue production of a line of candy that is shaped like roadkill?
a) because it was afraid that 7 year-olds would see the candy and want to drive a car out into the country and try to run over some small animal
b) because it was afraid that 17 year-olds would see the candy and want to drive a car out into the country and try to run over some small animal
c) because somebody in Kraft’s public relations department woke up
176) Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty claims that developers are angry with him. What was his first clue?
a) on the wall of the Queen’s Park men’s room somebody had written, “for a lousy time, call Dalton” and the phone number of his personal line
b) when he got into work one morning, his office floor was covered in asphalt
c) only a dozen of the biggest ones attended a $10,000 a plate fundraiser for the Ontario Liberal Party
177) How should you respond to “being dooced?”
a) with a shovel, a bucket and lots of hard work
b) with a tear and a kind word for the cuticle worker
c) with abashed enthusiasm
178) You have no idea what being dooced is, do you?
a) wh – how – how can you possibly think such a thing? I’m a war vet!
b) sure, I do: it’s what happens after you’ve been “aced”
c) none whatsoever, but I’ve been through Adrian Brodey’s Jacket therapy and I’m okay with that
179) In the wake of the killing of four Mounties in a raid on a marijuana grow-op, calls are coming for the government to get tougher on marijuana growers. What would this accomplish?
a) it would give all Canadians more opportunities to perfect their mourning for slain RCMP officers skills
b) it would drive the price of marijuana up, lining the pockets of the criminals who currently control much of the industry
c) it would ensure that governments that could have benefited from the legalization of marijuana by taxing it will have to tax orphans and widows instead
d) it will make the American government happy knowing that it isn’t the only country with an insane drug policy
e) all of the above
180) They say that when you die, your hair keeps growing for several days. But, does your hair grow if you’re bald?
a) yes
b) no
c) where do you come up with this stuff? Man, you need to get out more
