A devil sits on the left shoulder of Stephen Harper, leader of the Conservative Party of Canada; an angel sits on his right shoulder. *
"Yeah, Stephen, baby, love you like a brother..." the devil says. "Well, maybe a distant cousin, anyway, but I gotta tell ya, you're being a schmuck!"
"Hey!" the angel protests. "That wasn't very nice."
"Nice, shmice! You know what happens to nice guys? They get blown out after their first term. Look what happened to Jimmy Carter!"
"You can't use the example of an American Pres -"
"I can and absolutely should use the example of an American President! Stephen, listen to me. You're getting your ass handed to you by a guy who can't make up his mind if he wants to be Attila the Hun or Albert Freakin' Schweitzer! You should be mopping the floor with this mook, but, instead, you can't break out of the old Alliance's voter base!"
"Give it time. You know the voters will eventually see the wisdom of your platform."
"Fuck that! You wanna win the next election? Learn from the Americans. ATTACK! ATTACK! ATTACK!"
"Stephen, I don't think that's such a good -"
"Was I talking to you?"
"I thought -"
"Don't make me come over there and bust your ass, cause I will. Stephen, you gotta be more aggressive. Take this same sex marriage shit. You're coming across like the New Testament god of compassion, when what the voters really want is the Old Testament god of wrath and anger."
"But -"
"Shut up! Can't you see I'm talking, here? The Liberals are soft and squishy on this issue. What you gotta do is hit 'em hard and hit 'em often. Start by putting out the argument that legalizing same sex marriage will lead to legalizing polygamy."
"That's just wrong!"
"Did I ask for your opinion?"
"Look, in the first place, most polygamy is heterosexual, not homosexual, so any equation of the two is just plain wrong. But, linking the issues is also wrong. Polygamists could already mount their own Charter challenge to the definition of marriage if they wanted to - they don't need the same sex marriage issue to be a precedent for their case."
"...Are you finished?"
"Umm, yes."
"Okay, Stephen, don't listen to this moron. This is not about what actually makes sense - this is not a freaking debating society. As long as you grab some headlines, a lot of people will link same sex marriage with polygamy, and that's all you really need to do."
"That's terrible."
"I thought you said you were finished."
"But -"
"Okay. Next. Go to the ethnics - the blacks, the Indians, all those immigrant communities. You know they believe in the sanctity of traditional marriage - they're a natural constituency for the same sex issue. You just explain to them that we represent their interest and - SCORE! - we take a lot of votes away from the Liberals!"
"Hunh!"
"What?"
"This party has a large anti-immigrant contingent, not to mention the occasional openly racist senior member. You really think immigrants are going to support you on same sex marriage when you don't support them in so many other areas?"
"Okay, explain to me why I shouldn't lay a beating on you right now for being so stu - no, you're right. Stupidity is its own punishment. Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, all you have to do is sow dissension in the ranks of immigrants. Once you've got the ethnics thinking you're on their side, you can get a lot of them to come around in the next election."
"You are so cynical!"
"Thank you. Now, the liberal press is gonna try and tar us with the 'homophobic' label. You could see this as an opportunity to dither and make a terrible impression, or you can ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK! You know, the Liberals haven't always been a paragon of multicultural virtue. They were the party that interned Chinese during the Second World War, not to mention not allowing Jews fleeing Nazi persecution to enter Canada. They -"
"ARE...YOU...INSANE?"
"Please, all this flattery will go to my head. Not that I want you to stop."
"You think people are going to ignore the bigotry in our current position by referring to Liberal bigotry that happened over 50 years ago?"
"Uhh, yeah. That sounds about right."
"Stephen, you can't seriously be thinking -"
But, Stephen Harper takes the angel between his thumb and forefinger and tosses him away. "Go on," he says to the devil. "This sounds like a plan..."
* This is a column of fiction and, as such, does not endorse, espouse, advocate, champion or argue for the existence of angels, devils, imps, cherubs, seraphs, spirits, ghouls, demons or other supernatural creatures.