What the Heck Do You Know?
A New Beginning vs. Jason
121) Match the reaction to the tsunami with the person who uttered it.
a) "I have been suspicious [of the death toll] from the beginning... We do have a tendency to blow these things up."
b) "Some of our forefathers said that if there is usury and fornication in a certain village, Allah permits its destruction. We all know that at these resorts, fornication and perversions of all kinds are rampant."
c) "If people are remiss in implementing god's law, Allah sets his soldiers in action to take revenge. The oppression and corruption caused by America and the Jews have increased... Bangkok is the centre of corruption."
d) "You could argue, maybe, it was god's hand, because some of their brethren struck Christian America. We shouldn't be spending a penny on this."
i) Sheik Ibraham Mudeiris
ii) Rush Limbaugh
iii) Michael Savage
iv) Sheik Fawzan Al-Fawzan
122) Why was so much attention given to model Petra Nemcova's tsunami experience?
a) because she looks a lot better than bloated corpses rotting by the side of the street (especially in a bathing suit)
b) because, hey, supermodels (she's not just a model, you know, she's a supermodel - shame on you for such shoddy reporting!) suffer just as much as anybody else
c) newspapers were hoping to pry teenage boys away from their 2003 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue
123) Newfoundland Premier Danny Williams ordered that the Canadian flag be removed from all government buildings in his dispute with Prime Minister Paul Martin over oil revenues. What should he have replaced it with?
a) a skull and crossbones
b) Paul Martin's dirty laundry
c) a chicken doing the hokey pokey
124) A man watching his nine year-old son playing hockey choked the coach, who ended up on his knees gasping for breath. What will happen to the man?
a) he'll be given a position on an NHL farm team - assuming the league ever plays again
b) he's got a fine career ahead of him as Jean Chretien
c) if the coach's version of events is corroborated by the referee of the game, he could be banned from the arena, which will force him to take out his aggression on cigarette machines and human bank tellers
125) You're not - are you...inciting violence against bank tellers?
a) of course not - they manage to do it quite well enough on their own
b) yes - sorry - I actually meant to incite violence against dental hygienists - still, I'm sure you can see how easy a mistake it was to make
c) no - are you condoning violence against children's hockey coaches?
126) No, of course not - I'm a peaceful sort who - hey! Are you trying to change the subject?
a) would I ever try to pull a fast one on such an astute reader as yourself? I mean, how could I live with myself if I did?
b) you want to keep talking about it? I mean, really - how much is there to say on any given subject? After an hour or two, I'll bet you'll completely exhaust the topic, but, even if you managed to talk about it for several days, you would still likely run out of things to say. No subject is that interesting, friend. So, I'm just stopping you before you tire yourself out. You can thank me later.
c) chance policy outrigger abominable action
127) Convicted torturer Charles Graner, Jr. and suspected torturer Lynndie England have a son. What should they name him?
a) Jason
b) Damien
c) Bob (what? I like the name Bob. You have a problem with Bob?)
128) Art thieves were surprised that four paintings they stole by Vincent van Gogh were actually copies. What should have tipped them off?
a) there's a hydro pole in Starry Night
b) in Self-Portrait, van Gogh has two ears
c) jet skiers ply the waters in Seascape at Saintes-Marie
129) Why is the new performance art troupe that's coming to Toronto known as The Blue Man Group?
a) because The Puke Brown Group didn't test well in Missouri
b) because their gal left 'em and their dog done died
c) you'd be blue, too, if you had to do performance art in Toronto
130) What is the "Salvadoran option?"
a) a new fragrance by Givenchy
b) a complicated stock market manouevre that involves liquidating all of your assets, then liquidating anything else that moves
c) a death squad committed to rooting out and destroying every last vestige of integrity the United States has
131) How do you tell a man he's not going to be hired to star in your porno film?
a) close, but no cigar
b) friend, I like you, and I'd hate to see you end up like John Holmes
c) now would be a good time to pursue your dream of a career in cockroach extermination
132) How will the appointment of Frank McKenna, who chairs the Canadian advisory board of the Carlyle Group, a corporation with close ties to the Bush family, as Canada's ambassador to the US benefit Canada?
a) we won't have to stand for the American ambassador to Canada lambasting us for not toeing his country's line any more - our ambassador will do it for him
b) Mckenna can turn the Embassy into a profit centre by turning it into a call centre - a plan so crazy it just might work!
c) George Bush Junior will listen to Canada's concerns about entering into the American missile defense plan...before ignoring them
133) What is an "accountability moment?"
a) Mistress LuluBelle's new move on the pole at Cheap Willie's
b) something nuclear scientists add to their atomic clocks every 237 years to keep accountants in line with solar time
c) the maximum amount of time politicians like to be held accountable for the consequences of their decisions
134) What is the most startling revelation of "The 411: Teens & Sex," Today show co-host Katie Couric's prime time NBC News Special?
a) before her show, all teenagers ever did with each other was play Twister, but they did it very, very aggressively
b) you can fill a prime time hour of American television with sex as long as it's packaged as news
c) Katie Couric is perkier at night
135) According to Alberta Premier Ralph Klein, he has a "third way" between public and private health care. What would that be?
a) the rhetoric of the first way combined with the finances of the second (so, everybody can feel good while most are actually feeling worse)
b) everybody pays for their own bypasses, but tongue depressors are free!
c) the road between the hospital and the poorhouse
136) How do you tell a woman she's not going to be hired to star in your porno film?
a) the producer reviewed your screen test, and, well, the rabbit wasn't the only thing that died...
b) girlfriend, I like you, and I'd hate to see you end up like Lisa de Leeuw
c) now would be a good time to pursue your life-long dream of becoming a countergirl at Macey's
137) Congress was notified by both the Clinton and Bush administrations that the United Nations food for oil programme was corrupt. Considering that the US took no action at the time, why are Congressmen now demanding the head of UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan over the scandal, even though he had nothing to do with the programme?
a) would you believe it's, uhh, poetic justice?
b) some scalawag took the "The Buck Stops Here" plaque off the President's desk and put it on Annan's desk - it's playful hijinks, nothing more
c) didn't you know that the United Nations is in league with the devil? No? I mean, have you ever seen Kofi Annan and Satan in the same photograph? Get yourself a copy of the American Heritage Institute's white paper "The United Nations Is In League With The Devil" and get with the programme!
138) Toyota Canada has dropped the name Tsunami from one of the cars in its line. What is it planning on calling the car now?
a) syphilis
b) total nuclear annihilation
c) Bob (what? You still have a problem with Bob? It's prejudice, plain and simple - you really ought to do something about that!)
139) What does President Bush mean when he talks about America becoming an "ownership society?"
a) the rich? They own you!
b) it looks like English, it sounds like English, and yet it is some strange language that only television evangelists and oil company lobbyists truly understand
c) the Cato Institute has been getting into the President's teleprompter again
140) Why should Torontonians oppose a ban on pit bulls?
a) there still aren't enough ways of thinning out the human gene pool
b) Clayton Ruby is obviously desperate for another unpopular cause, and why should we give it to him?
c) Rottweillers are uglier
