What the Heck Do You Know?
New Beginnings For Beginners

101) How could Alberta judge Justice John Moore fall asleep during the sentencing hearing of a drug dealer? a) sorry, but it just wasn't as compelling as an episode of Law and Order
b) he was up all night knocking back tequila shooters in the court pub - you know what judges are like
c) feh - if you've tried one low-level drug dealer, you've tried them all

 102) How can we best understand President George W. Bush's announcement that he is now a deficit slayer? a) it's like Todd Bertuzzi claiming to be an etiquette expert
b) it's like Scott Peterson giving lessons in anger management
c) it's morning in America, and people on social assistance are scared

 103) No, seriously. How can a President claim to be serious about cutting the deficit when he is also promising to increase spending on the military, homeland security, education and health care, as well as making huge tax cuts permanent? a) son, have I ever explained to you what a magic asterisk is?
b) he's not a details guy - that's up to Congress (hee hee hee)
c) son, have I ever explained to you what a magic mushroom is?

 104) According to New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof, "A fascist Russia is a much better thing than a Communist Russia" because it "lays the groundwork for democracy." How could he write that? a) he was just tweaking the noses of people who still believe that The Times is a liberal newspaper
b) he types one letter after another, just like we all do
c) what Kristof wrote is no worse than saying that crack cocaine is better than heroin because it lays the groundwork for a drug free life (and, don't you wish people would stop writing that?)

 105) Okay, just what was Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld doing in Baghdad in 1984? a) he had read so much about the Iraqi Ice Follies that he just had to travel to the country to experience them for himself
b) he had lost his way on the road to Erehwon
c) he certainly wasn't rewarding Saddam Hussein's gassing of the Kurds with renewed American financial and political support, because we all know he has a soft spot in his heart for the Kurds and, in any case, believes the use of poison gas on civilian populations is a heinous war crime. Nope. Un uh. Nothing positive going on there.

106) Which of the following best describes your romantic relationships? a) crash and burn
b) cash and carry
c) lock and load

 107) How will its connections to the Central Intelligence Agency affect the criminal investigation into the Riggs Bank, which is accused of money laundering for Saudi Arabian diplomats and African and South American dictators? a) given the CIA's record, the Riggs Bank could plausibly claim that it wasn't competent to launder money for a popsicle stand
b) CIA officials will quietly argue that there should be no finding of guilt on the part of the Riggs Bank because it would have the terrifying effect of proving Michael Moore right about something
c) it won't affect the case at all; President Bush has his own reasons for ensuring that it comes to nothing

 108) How did Yasser Arafat's investment of around $1.3 million of Palestinian Authority funds in Bowlmor Lanes, an American bowling alley, help the Palestinian people? a) they now have a place to congregate on their annual pilgrimages to New York, and the best part is that they get a discount on shoe rentals
b) it didn't lose as much money as the Tidy Bowlerama across the street, so you could say they came out ahead
c) while Americans are bowling, they aren't supplying Israel with the most advanced weapons at their government's disposal...well, that was the theory, anyway...

 109) All newspaper and magazine articles on new "reality TV" shows start by asking "Can reality programming get any lower?" and answering, "Yes." This has been going on for several seasons, now. Why? a) you know, there are only so many original things one can say about reality TV, and most of them were exhausted after the first season of Survivor
b) J School grads - what're ya gonna do?
c) what's wrong with saying "yes?" "Yes" is such a nice, agreeable word. The world would be a much better place if people stopped being so darned negative and just said "yes" more often.

 110) You think? Just how often are we talking, here? a) there should be a yes for every grain of sand on the beaches of the world
b) there should be as many yeses in the world as there are nanoseconds in a day
c) yes, I think I'm gonna hurl

 111) The Bush administration is now considering plans to keep prisoners at the camp in Guantamo Bay for years, perhaps for life, without actually bringing any charges against them, let alone bringing them to trial. How can they even contemplate such a thing? a) their mantra is: "Every day, in every way, I'm making my country look more and more like Stalinist Russia."
b) lighten up, man. It's camp. The Arab prisoners will be learning useful crafts and earning merit badges. It'll be like they're teenagers...for the rest of their lives...OH MY GOD, THE HORROR! WHERE ARE THE GENEVA CONVENTIONS WHEN YOU NEED THEM?!
c) Bush has made it his personal crusade to create even lower reality TV programming (TV critics take note)

 112) How could George Tenet, an ardent supporter of the now discredited "weapons of mass destruction" delusion be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the nation's highest civilian honor, which was once given to people like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.? a) hero inflation
b) after four years in office, President Bush is making history, buster, so he still doesn't actually have to read any!
c) oh, drop your indignation! It's not like Paul Bremer got one. Now, that would have been a travesty. (pause) What?

 113) How can we best understand actor Richard Gere's video recommending that Palestinians vote in the Presidential elections? a) it's like Matt Stone advising Ethiopian children about gun safety
b) it's like Dennis Rodman lecturing the French on safe sex
c) it's like Celine Dion explaining water irrigation techniques to Lapps

 114) Key members of the Hollinger team are refusing to testify at a Canadian hearing into the company's finances, claiming that they are worried that their testimony will be used in an American criminal probe. What are they concerned about revealing? a) Conrad Black's super secret recipe for atomic powered chili
b) David Radler's goofy come-on lines
c) Jack Boultbee has three nipples

 115) Is the release of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas the end of the world as we know it? a) naah - the world as we know it ended with the release of the original Quake
b) naah - the world as we know it ended with the release of the film Resident Evil: Apocalypse
c) probably, but is it really such a bad thing that the world as we know it is over?

 116) The Ontario Municipal Board has decided that it's okay to build a Wal-Mart next to a Jesuit retreat centre in Guelph. Why? a) Jesus may save souls, but Wal-Mart saves you 50 cents on every $10 you spend, and that's a good deal
b) the area already has a Canadian Tire outlet, so it's all over for the Jesuits
c) the OMB still hasn't forgiven the Jesuits for training Pierre Eliot Trudeau

 117) Custodians of Michelangelo's David are worried that dusty, sweaty tourists are dirtying the marble masterpiece mere months after it was thoroughly cleaned. What can Florence's Galleria dell'Accademia do about this? a) post signs in the foyer asking tourists to stop having sex before seeing the work of art
b) insist people take a shower before going in (quite the change, since many people feel like taking a shower after they have gone to many museums)
c) grit and bear it

 118) What do you say to the survivors of a family after you've killed 14 of its members in a bombing raid on the wrong house? a) "Democracy is on the march."
b) "We're getting justice for the victims of 9/11."
c) "Oops."

 119) According to an article in the National Post, Canadian women tend to get smaller breast implants than American women. How should a red-blooded Canadian man respond to this news? a) they do everything bigger in the States!
b) whoo whoo whoooooo!
c) where do I sign up for the visa lottery?

 120) Where was god when the tsunami hit Asia? a) in the beach house of his winter home on the Riviera
b) supervising the destruction of stars in the massive black hole at the centre of the galaxy
c) sleeping off a hangover in a back alley in Taipei