“Yeah, un hunh. No, Rachel, listen to me: I did not sleep with that woman! I…no…no, this is not a Clintonesque denial. This is a sincere – what? I know that looks bad, but it isn’t quite what it seems. No, Rachel, I – No, Rachel, serious – NO, RACHEL, I – hold on a – hold on – Yes. I’d like the Kung Pow Chicken. No, I – Rachel, give me a second, here, okay? No. No rice. YES! NO! I meant no to the rice, Rachel. Of course I still love you. No, I don’t want a freaking egg roll! Just the chicken! What? Now you’re seeing having lunch as a hostile act? I SAID JUST THE CHICK – oh, all right, give me an egg roll. A drink? Sure. Seven up. NO, NOT SPRITE! DID I ASK FOR SPRITE? Rachel? Are you still there? RACHEL! … Yeah, give me that egg roll. I wanna show you exactly how having lunch can be a hostile act…”
“Un hunh. Un hunh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Not really. Un hunh. Un hunh. Un hunh…WITH A MELON?”
“Yeah. So, like, I’m walking past the Italian place…no, I don’t feel like it. Now, I’m walking past the Japanese place…naah. The sushi is frozen and they don’t have good soy sauce. Now, I’m walking past the Burger King…I prefer McDonald’s – yeah, nobody makes French fries like McDonald’s. I’d have to go to the food court in the other end of the mall, and, like, who needs the exercise? … So, now, I’m walking past the sub place – ooh, cute guy! No, I…I don’t eat subs, but I could just eat him up! Okay, so, forget food, I’m walking to the bathroom. I’m walking into the bathroom. I’m walking into a stall. I’m pulling down my pants. I’m sitting down on the – what? Too much information?”
“Yeah, so, like, me and Amy’re going at it. Oh, yeah, man, it was sweet. She’s got the cutest little – HEY! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? What? Absolutely. She’s got this knack of squeezing my balls at just the right – yeah. Oh, man if you’ve never – DID I ASK FOR YOUR OPINION, BUDDY? THAT’S RIGHT, I DIDN’T! I don’t know what I did right to deserve having Amy in my life. Sweetest little thing in public, sweetest little ass in private. Sometimes, we go at it for so many hours that I can’t focus on work the next – OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! THIS IS A PERSONAL CALL! CAN I HAVE A LITTLE PRIVACY HERE?!”
“Hi. I’m talking to somebody right now and…my…mailbox is full. Don’t bother to leave a message because I won’t get back to you anyway, Ron…”
“Sam! Finally! How’s it going? What do you mean, what do I want? You called me… Oh, sure, but that was because you called me on Friday… What? Are you – okay, if you still have the message, I gotta believe you. Still, if I called you on Wednesday, that must mean that you called me on Tuesday… Not Tues – how about Monday? … Yeah. See. I told you – what? I called you over the weekend? You sure about that? I don’t – you keep your messages a long time, don’t you? Well, you must have called me – well, how about – not even – oh. Okay. Is there anything on the message about what I wanted to talk about? Anything at all? Oh. Okay, well…if you get any idea, will you let me know?”
“Hello. I’m not at my phone right now. I mean, it’s probably buried at the bottom of my bag with the ringer off and, and don’t mind the food court noise cuz that’s just where I was at when I recorded this message and, and OH, FOR GOD’S SAKE, RON, WILL YOU PLEASE, PLEASE STOP CALLING!”
“Look left. A blank wall? Look right. An empty corridor? Where could that rustling be coming from? I take the torch out of my knapsack and light it… What? What do you mean, I’m dead? A vampire? Un hunh. Right. Doesn’t like light. Yeah, that makes sense. But…killed me and extinguished the torch. I see. But, wait a minute! What’s a vampire doing in a sword and sorcery – yes, you are the dungeonma – right. Right. Right. Fine. I wanted to eat my lunch anyway…”