What the Heck Do You Know? Another New Beginning

Continued...

21) What are "swing states?" a) places where it's not immoral to covet thy neighbour's wife
b) places where the hinges are definitely coming off
c) places where the American election is child-friendly

22) Which of the following bumper sticker slogans would you be most likely to put on your car? a) "Flip flops are for the beach!"
b) "Elvish has left the building!"
c) "My other tank is an Abrams!"
d) "Live fey or die Jung!"

23) At what point in his career did Dan Rather jump the shark? a) when he assumed that a forged document was real just because everybody knew that what it contained represented the truth
b) when he said, "wherever he [President George Bush] wants me to line up, just tell me where," which can be described as the moment he decided he'd rather be a patriot than a journalist
c) four words: "Three, two, one, Gorbachev!"
d) when, at the tender age of 23, he decided he could be a better news anchor than Walter Cronkite

24) According to Forbes magazine, there are currently 313 billionaires in the United States, up substantially from last year. Why aren't you one of them? a) hey! I'm too busy updating the content of my Gilmore Girls tribute site on the Web to amass obscene amounts of wealth
b) can you imagine the taxes they must pay - I couldn't afford that!
c) [sound of palm smacking forehead] become a billionaire - I knew there was something I forgot to do this week!

25) What will happen if Interstate Bakeries, makers of such fine Hostess products as Twinkies, cannot get out of bankruptcy protection? a) a generation of university students will have nothing to survive on!
b) Zippy the pinhead will have to sit shivah!
c) those Atkins bastards will have won!

26) Canada is promoting the sale of high tech security and surveillance equipment to China. "We expect the Chinese government to use this technology in the same legitimate way that it is used in Canada," an embassy spokesperson stated. What way would that be? a) jailing Canadian citizens for 10 or more years for posting essays on the Internet supporting union rights and democracy
b) running Canadian citizens over with tanks in the middle of pro-democracy rallies
c) determining which Canadian citizens should be shipped to Arab countries for "aggressive questioning" because they have the wrong ancestry

27) A man was given a 30 day sentence for hitting Alberta Premier Ralph Klein in the face with a pie. What would his sentence have been if he had had poorer aim? a) 12 days for hitting Klein in the arm
b) 3 days for hitting Klein on the foot
c) I shudder to think what the man would have gotten if he had hit Klein in the crotch

28) What is your favourite George W. Bush duet? a) "Me and My Shadow" (with Vice President Dick Cheney at the hearings into 9/11 intelligence failures)
b) "Accentuate the Positive" (with Iraqi...whatever Iyad Allawi at the United Nations)
c) this is a trick question - the American President doesn't like building alliances and always goes his own way

29) Immigration Canada insists that American strippers supply fully nude photographs to prove that they are professionals before granting them visas to work in this country. Why? a) are you kidding? Amateur strippers could poke somebody's eye out with those things...
b) it's not as ludicrous as, say, demanding that CEOs supply nude photographs of themselves in order to come up here and take over Canadian companies (although, when you think about it...)
c) you know, it can get awful lonely up in Ottawa...

30) "There were some without legs, some without arms, some without eyes. More will die." What atrocity was this doctor talking about? a) a suicide bomber attack on a residential neighbourhood in Jerusalem
b) an Israeli army attack on a Gaza refugee camp
c) a suicide bomber attack on an American compound in Baghdad
d) an American military attack on a civilian neighbourhood in Fallujah
e) Chechen suicide bombers attacking civilians in a theatre
f) Russian troops attacking a civilian neighbourhood in Chechnya
g) other outrage

31) God, we're a sick race, aren't we? a) when you put it that way, it may seem to be the case, but we are also the race responsible for...the musical version of The Lion King, and...and Mama Mia and...and...oh, god, shoot me now!
b) if there was an antibiotic for hatred, we would probably develop an immunity
c) you shouldn't let yourself get - hey, wait a minute! Who's asking the questions, here?

32) I don't know - who's asking the questions here? a) Paul Lynde - the ultimate center square
b) not Alex Trebek
c) oh, this is getting too self-referential for me - I think I'm going to take a little lie down until the dizziness passes...

33) Nike Converse is putting out a shoe decorated with lyrics from John Lennon's song Imagine. The company claims the shoe has been created with the aim of bringing about world peace. How is this possible? a) combatants in hotspots all over the world will be so busy laughing their asses off, they'll forget all about killing each other
b) the shoe comes with a plutonium insert, perfect for setting off a nuclear reaction that can devastate 20 city blocks if you click your heels three times
c) Nike has lost all perspective on reality

34) What is American's policy of "extraordinary rendition?" a) the government will not fund visual artists who do anything other than representational works
b) the government will only fund singers who sound like Ethel Merman
c) okay, okay, the government is prepared to deport suspected terrorists to countries that torture people to skirt it's own laws against torture (its support for representational art and Ethel Merman notwithstanding)

35) The Canadian Marketing Association is asking that new rules to limit telemarketers be reviewed (read: abandoned) because they could put many smaller phone marketers out of business. What is your response? a) it would be a good start
b) sorry, I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'd like to leave a message, just start talking at the sound of the tone...
c) would you be interested in some aluminum siding that I just happen to have to let go for a song?

36) Why has Merck agreed to take its best-selling drug Vioxx, which, it turns out, may increase its users risk of heart attack and stroke, off the market? a) for the sheer love of humanity
b) somebody put out a drug called VioXXX, and Merck knew that it couldn't compete
c) it's the lawsuits, stupid

37) Leonid Polyakov, an analyst with the Razumkov Centre for Economic and Political Studies, has said that, "It's not a big secret that the way the election campaign is proceeding does not match the standards for the Western democracy that Ukraine declares it wants to be." What was the first clue? a) current Ukraine Prime Minister Yanukovich giving the weather report on the nightly state television broadcast - after he had delivered the news and sports
b) voters being promised a chicken every time they vote for Prime Minister Yanukovich
c) reporters being hit in the head with a chicken every time they say something negative about Prime Minister Yanukovich

38) For which of the following triangles does "x" equal "transvestite angels?" a)

b)

c)

39) What is "asymmetrical federalism?" a) a painful colon condition that cannot be cured with antibiotics
b) a graphic metaphor for your relationship (and, don't you think you should stop giving so much until your partner learns how to give?)
c) x in answer c to the question above

40) Which of the following gives you the most confidence in the American war on terrorism? a) two of the suspects in the Detroit "sleeper cell" case were acquitted; the other two had their convictions overturned after the Justice Department admitted that it should have given the defence several pieces of evidence before the trial
b) an Oregon attorney implicated in the Madrid bombing in March had to be released after the FBI falsely linked his fingerprints to somebody else's
c) after 16 months in detention, a Saudi student at Idaho University was acquitted of providing material support to terrorists for hosting a Web site on which other people had posted controversial material, including calls for jihad
d) all criminal charges against a Muslim chaplain at Guantanamo Bay have been dropped, leaving only a charge of adultery