What the Heck Do You Know? A New Beginning
Life is too short and hectic for introductions - let's get right to the questions!
1) In it's never-ending battle for market dominance, what should Coca Cola's next special flavour be?
a) beach ball
b) avocado and prune
c) Charlize Theron's armpit
d) jasmine with just a hint of cordite
e) Jasmine with just a hint of Guy
f) Pepsi
g) other
2) What caused a mushroom cloud over North Korea?
a) North Korea's President discovering that he'll never become a finalist on Pyongyang Idol
b) definitely, absolutely not a nuclear weapons test, nope, uh uh, no way, not so close to the American election...maybe, like, a fire or something...
c) Saddam Hussein
3) What are you going to do now that the hockey season looks like it isn't going to happen?
c) I'm going to get my buddies together, we're going to drink until we're shitfaced and we're going to stare at the screen for three hours - pretty much what we always do
b) replay the 67 Stanley Cup finals using the table hockey game in my parents' basement - only, this time, I get to be the Maple Leafs!
a) oh, lord, I don't know - it's not like there's much happening on Saturday nights other than hockey...
4) In 1922, Emily Murphy wrote: "While in this condition they become raving maniacs and are liable to kill or indulge in any form of violence to other persons, using the most savage methods without any sense of moral responsibility." Who was she talking about?
a) science fiction fans waiting for the final instalment of Star Wars
b) legislators anticipating toughening marijuana laws
c) pop sociologists desperate to find the next social trend
5) Prime Minister Paul Martin's offer to add $58 billion to the health care system was described as "silly." What do you think?
a) could be - I mean, all I need's a couple of bucks to get my Paxil subscription renewed...
b) premiers can dream, can't they?
c) oh, come on, big boy, make me a silly offer...
6) Sheila Copps is about to start an acting career. What would be her ideal role?
a) Kate in The Taming of the Shrew
b) Hannibal Lecter in the musical Cannibal!
c) any role she wants, of course
7) How do you, as an average Canadian, feel about the fact that wealthy people are paying for health care that the rest of us can't get?
a) why, I'm shocked! Shocked, I tell you, to discover that - uhh, sorry, I was having a Claude Rains moment there
b) I am not an average Canadian, and the next time you accuse me of that you better kill me or be prepared for me to read long passages from Margaret Atwood's Oryx and Crake!
c) obviously, since some people are abusing the system we must abandon our principles and leave health care to the mercies of the market
8) Edward Teller just died. Edward Teller...Edward Teller...isn't he the magician with the big hair? You know - the one with the silent partner?
a) oh, man, take your time machine and spend a couple of years at the beginning of the Cold War
b) no, Teller - he's the guy who works at your bank
c) no, no - you're thinking of Penn Gillette, a man with an ego so big he had to be named after an entire state. That's him - Penn - heir to the razor fortune with a sharp wit all his own
9) What did you do to commemorate the death of the thousandth American in Iraq?
a) I flew at half mast while watching the Playboy Channel's Tribute to the Girls of 9/11
b) made fun of John Kerry's Vietnam War record with renewed vigour
c) a thousand Americans have died in Iraq? Why wasn't I told of this? Are you sure? I mean, it would have been in all of the papers, wouldn't it?
10) What are the Carolina Hurricanes going to do now that the hockey season looks like it isn't going to happen?
a) form a barbershop quartaquintoctopet and tour the American south under the name "Jake Barclaw and the Good Time Boys"
b) I wouldn't worry too much: most of those guys have law or engineering degrees, so they'll get by
c) Carolina has a team in the National Hockey League?
11) According to the Washington Post, Americans with dementia may affect the upcoming election in swing states. What would a good editorial response be?
a) sure, but how can you legally stop the neo-cons from voting?
b) we guess it puts the issue of electronic voting machines without paper trails in perspective
c) if it's true that you get the government you deserve, that certainly explains Bush's cabinet
12) Why would a survey paid for by an association of Canadian beer companies show that a majority of university students drink alcohol less than twice a month?
a) the public relations department sees it as opportunity to clean up the industry's image with concerned parents
b) the marketing department sees it as an opportunity
c) management sees it as a way of countering the obviously biased research coming out of places like the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health
13) What do you think of a Canadian research report that shows that all 22 universities and half of the colleges surveyed accepted money from tobacco companies to allow them to market their products on campus within the past year?
a) it's making me tense, man, it's a real bummer, man - got any weed?
b) who says a liberal arts education doesn't prepare you for the real world?
c) eat your heart out, beer companies!
14) Hey! In question 4, the choice of answers goes from c to a - why is that?
a) I have a cold
b) in grammar, it's c before b except after surgery
c) in grammatology, you darn well better do what your gramma tells you
15) United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan told the BBC that the invasion of Iraq was illegal because it didn't have the approval of the UN Security Council. So?
a) he's looking more like Ossie Davis all the time, isn't he?
b) I like my Kofi with sugar and cream
c) Australian Prime Minister John Howard said he got a legal opinion (from the law firm of Larry, Curly and Moe) that the war was kosher, so nyuk nyuk nyuk and watch your eyes, Kofi Annan
16) What do you think of the news that sponsorship scandal boy Alfonso Gagliano now writes for a weekly newspaper in Montreal?
a) you can't be serious - it's a gag, right?
b) do we have to listen to what he has to say? I mean, can't somebody put a gag on him?
c) you had to tell me this after I finished a bowl of three alarm chili? I think I'm gonna gag!
17) Why has California just officially ban necrophilia?
a) legislators were scared it would become a subject on the next season of Six Feet Under
b) half of the people in the state are still hoping to make it with Jim Morrison
c) you know how it works, man: you mean to get around to something, but then something else gets your attention and, before you know it, a century has passed...
18) What is going to happen to the Iraq Survey Group's report that concludes that Saddam Hussein had no weapons of mass destruction?
a) it will go on top of the pile that will make the bonfire at George Bush's reelection victory party
b) The Washington Post will serialize it every day until the year 2137, at which point it will become a Presidential election issue for one of the Bush great great great great great grandchildren
c) will you please get with the program! The coalition invaded Iraq to get rid of a tyrant and free the Iraqi people! All this talk about weapons of mass destruction is and always has been irrelevant, and it's about time you liberals got over it!
19) What moral outrage would compel five young men to storm onto the floor of the British House of Commons?
a) Mable getting testicular cancer on Coronation Street
b) Prime Minister Tony Blair supporting the American war against Togo
c) the passage of a law banning fox hunting
20) Alberta Premier Ralph Klein left a meeting of first ministers at the health care summit to spend a little time in Hull, then went to Lloydminster after only a day at the three day summit because "there are no bloody votes" in Ottawa. Don't you have to admire his chutzpah?
a) no
b) yes
c) shanah tovah, asshole
