Where were you when you first found out about the great Royal Bank computer debacle of 2004?
“I was with my wife, Ivana, in the operating room. She was just about to give birth. I remember the radio was on and we heard the news and…and having a child somehow just didn’t seem important any more…”
“Yeah – sniff – I was in an alley. Me and some guy in a suit were doing a little financial transaction of our own – henh henh. An unplanned withdrawal – you get me? Anyway, he said, ‘First the Royal Bank, now this. Why did I bother to become a financial analyst?’ I wasn’t in the mood for a philosophical discussion, so I hit him over the head with a tire iron and completed the transaction on my own.”
“I was in my mom’s basement – it’s not my step-dad’s place – I mean, it is, but I don’t like to talk about him, so, as far as I’m concerned, it’s my mom’s place – anyway, Jojo and I were having a couple of beers – nothing too serious, you know, hanging out – Jojo’s not the television psychic, right? She was named after the psychic, but – don’t ask – anyway, the radio was playing ‘Inna Godda Devida’ when there was this interruption and they gave us the news. We were real quiet, then. Real quiet. For a few seconds. Then, we realized that we spend all our money on beer and progressive rock CDs – and, anyway, our bank is CIBC – and life pretty much went on as it did before, you know. But, for a brief moment, there, we thought we had been touched by the hand of god…”
“I was closing the Achmenabar merger. Couldn’t respond, of course. Wouldn’t be professional. But, when I got home, I cried like a baby, I can tell you!”
“I was walking from the sixth to the seventh hole. Chad, Biff and Bunny were there. Bunny was explaining why he doesn’t trust computers, and he brought up the bank problem. None of us believed him, of course. Bunny can be a bit of a prankster. When I read about it in the papers the next day, I almost felt bad about suggesting he use a mashie on the twelfth fairway…”
“I was five years old. It didn’t mean anything to me at the time. But, I could sense that my parents were deeply affected by the way they started shouting and throwing things at each other. I was confused…confused and frightened. Of course, I’m much older now – a year and a half, at least – I’m much more confused and frightened, but at least I know what I’m confused and frightened about…”
“I was eating breakfast when I read about it in the newspaper. I did a perfect spit-take. It was a thing of beauty: just the right amount of liquid in a fine, evenly distributed spray. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do anything so beautiful if I live to be 100!”
“Oi! Ah was workin’ down dere in da mine, den, weren’t I? I was da lead wheel greaser. If dem cart wheels aren’t greased proper, dey can drive a man crazy. Crazy, I tell yas. Well, sir, when I heard about dat dere bank ting, I couldn’t work. No, sir, not anudder minute. So, I turned ta Jack, he was da junior wheel greaser, and said, ‘It’s all yours, m’boy. It’s all yours’ And, I ain’t been back down ta da mines since.”
“I thought, Oh, the humanity! Then, Fred piped in that this would have never have happened if we hadn’t replaced people with machines. That’s when I knew I would have to get the hatchet out of the toolbox in the basement.”
“I was driving to Jasper when I heard the news on the car radio. I remember thinking: ‘It could have been me. It could have been any of us.’ And, I decided to treat my ex-husband better.”
“Of course, I don’t read the newspapers or watch the news on television. I only really just found out about it this moment, actually, when you asked me the question. I guess it was kind of important when it happened, wasn’t it…?”