Les Pages Aux Folles: The Daily Me Frequently Unasked Questions
The Daily Me Frequently Unasked Questions
1) What is The Daily Me?
2) No, seriously, what is The Daily Me?
3) Could you be any less helpful?
4) Okay, fun is fun, but, really, what is The Daily Me?
5) What if I’m not yet a subscriber?
6) Since you brought it up, I’ve often wondered: do you include the opening statement in your word count? I mean, it’s basically the same each week – wouldn’t that be cheating?
7) How do you figure that?
8) Yes, but, aren’t the words the same?
9) Ouch.
10) I’ve noticed that the headlines sometimes comment ironically on the articles they come with. Who exactly writes the headlines?
11) Sometimes, you have articles from a publication called The Toronto Startle. At other times, you identify information as coming from another publication called The Toronto Star, which I can only assume is a parody of the Startle. Aren’t you afraid you’re going to confuse your readers by moving back and forth between the two?
12) Why?
13) Is there really such a thing as a Ukrainian TV Guide? I mean, do they even have TV in the Ukraine?
14) If that’s all the television they have, why does their TV Guide contain so many entries?
15) Really?
1) What is The Daily Me?
All you, all the time.
2) No, seriously, what is The Daily Me?
A surrey with a fringe on top.
3) Could you be any less helpful?
Sure. This Frequently Unasked Questions file could be written in Urdu.
4) Okay, fun is fun, but, really, what is The Daily Me?
Do you not pay attention? Have you so quickly forgotten the profile you so painstakingly filled out for us? (Obviously, we’re going to have to make it more painful.) Or, the way we compare your profile with that of others, suggesting that you might like the same things that people with the same interests as you like? Jeez, man, it’s at the start of every newsletter we email to you – don’t you even read the damn thing?
5) What if I’m not yet a subscriber?
Then, please pardon our contempt. You deserve our indifference.
6) Since you brought it up, I’ve often wondered: do you include the opening statement in your word count? I mean, it’s basically the same each week – wouldn’t that be cheating?
I hate to disagree with a loyal reader (on an empty stomach – you wouldn’t happen to have any anchovy sandwiches, would you?), but the opening statement is completely different every day.
7) How do you figure that?
We’ve got different music playing in the office when we paste it into your newsletter.
8) Yes, but, aren’t the words the same?
Mostly. But, the Karma is different. (Unless we’re playing Culture Club, in which case the Karma Chameleon is different.)
9) Ouch.
We know, we know. If we weren’t so busy putting out thousands of newsletters a day, we’d be embarrassed by the cheesiness of that last joke.
10) I’ve noticed that the headlines sometimes comment ironically on the articles they come with. Who exactly writes the headlines?
We have an excellent headline writer named Marty DiBergi. He used to be a documentary filmmaker, but that was a long time ago. Now he drinks until four in the morning, comes in at noon and writes all of the headlines for some 1,400 articles in roughly five minutes. (His record is two minutes, 27 seconds, but half of the headlines that day read: “Humans do more outrageous yet totally believable shit,” which, when you think of it, could be a headline for almost any news article.) We wouldn’t say Marty is bitter, exactly, but we have put serious filters on his computer to ensure that no headline that he writes appears with obscene terms for people’s anatomy or acts performed by consenting adults. If we actually let him read on the job, we’re sure he’d thank you for referring to his headlines as “ironic;” other readers have been less generous.
11) Sometimes, you have articles from a publication called The Toronto Startle. At other times, you identify information as coming from another publication called The Toronto Star, which I can only assume is a parody of the Startle. Aren’t you afraid you’re going to confuse your readers by moving back and forth between the two?
Afraid we’re going to confuse our readers? Hell, we count on it!
12) Why?
Then they might not notice that articles from either source make no sense.
13) Is there really such a thing as a Ukrainian TV Guide? I mean, do they even have TV in the Ukraine?
Oh, yes, they have television in the Ukraine. As a matter of fact, they have three different channels: State One, State Two and Poisnevskji Alabramatsovskji, which, loosely translated, means The Green, Stinky Cheese Network. Ukrainian television’s programming runs the gamut from documentaries on the role of the worker in ensuring the success of the five year plans of the 1950s to dramatic miniseries on the role of the worker in ensuring the success of the five year plans of the 1960s, and, of course, reruns of Miami Vice. Ukrainians seem to love their Miami Vice.
14) If that’s all the television they have, why does their TV Guide contain so many entries?
I blame Gorbachev.
15) Really?
Oh, absolutely. If he hadn’t presided over the end of the Soviet Union, nobody in the Ukraine would have cable. Except Party apparatchiks, but somehow they don’t strike us as the core audience for Miami Vice.
