Some of the latest offerings on ehBay:
Bend Over...AND ENJOY NATIONAL SECURITY!
Price: $29.99 for one, $145.99 for the complete set of five
Time Left: 23 daysQuantity: only 20,000
History: In a nation in a high state of terror alert, the slightest rumour turns into public policy in the blink of an eye! Shoe bombs? Inspect the shoes of everybody getting on a plane! Women being recruited into terrorist networks? Strip every woman at an airport down to her skivvies and pat her down good. Pat her down real good. And, now, in a nation where voyeurism is the new national security, we've got the tapes - cobbled together from real airport security cameras - for your viewing pleasure!
Item Location: A warehouse in an undisclosed foreign location
Description: Airport Security Guards Gone Wild! , vols 1-5. See the out of control security guards strip travelers down to their underwear then - HELLO! - search their most intimate body parts. If you can't get a job as a security guard - and who wouldn't be attracted to the low pay and inadequate training?! - this is the next best thing to being there! AND COMING SOON: Port Authority Security Guards Gone Wild! There's nothing they won't do to make America secure!
Good for the Body, Good for the Soul
Price: $10,000
Time Left: 3 daysQuantity: one
History: What did Jesus and the disciples eat at the Last Supper? Well, we know it was a Passover Seder, so there would have been unleavened bread. Other than that, there is some cause for speculation. Could there have been zucchini? Doubtful - it wasn't native to that part of the world. Still, you've gotta figure that if Jesus could turn water into wine, he could turn a gourd or some other Middle Eastern fruit or vegetable into a zucchini. Now, what it takes little imagination to believe was eaten at the Last Supper is the perfect canvas for a depiction of the Last Supper.
Item Location: Scranton, Pennsylvania
Description: It's a zucchini. About average size. Cut in half. It was cooked in a standard oven. The surface of the two halves didn't brown evenly, though. If you look closely, you can make out a panoramic view of the Last Supper. Jesus is clearly seated on the inner area of the right-hand half of the zucchini. A couple of the disciples look like smears of goo, but John and Matthew are clear as crystal. Comes with a letter of authentication from the Vatican.
The Best Democracy Money Can Buy
Price: $1 per vote, 4 million vote minimum
Time Left: 1430 daysQuantity: As many as you need to give you a decisive margin of victory
History: Okay, there have been a few problems with our electronic voting machines. We cannot overlook the county in Ohio that gave 4,000 votes to George W. Bush in the 2004 election even though there were only 800 registered voters. And, sure, there were reports of Democratic voters who were horrified to see screens displaying votes for Republicans...after they had submitted their ballots. However, we have learned from our mistakes, and can assure you that they will not be repeated. By 2008, any electoral computer fraud by our company will be completely undetectable.
Item Location: In 38 states and growing all the time
Description: The voter walks into a booth not unlike any other voting booth. There, he is confronted with a touch screen. He simply follows the instructions to touch the names of the candidates and ballot initiatives he wants to vote for. Then, we take over. Using our patented algorithms, we decide how the vote will actually be recorded in the computer's memory.
Imagine it! No hanging chad nonsense. No need to keep voters away from the polls with bullyboy tactics; the more people who vote, the better for you. Why? No paper trail. No nasty audit of the software (it's proprietary - thank Congress for restrictive copyright laws!). Just the votes you need to guarantee victory. And, at just a dollar a vote, it's a real steal!