1. Lindsay has a total crush on Hilary Duff. But, she's not, like, a lesbian or anything.
2. Lindsay's favourite Beanie Baby is Tony Tse Tse Fly, but if anybody asks her, she'll say she doesn't have a favourite because she doesn't want to make the other Beanie Babies jealous.
3. Lindsay gave Jamie Lee Curtis diet tips when they worked together on the set of the movie Freaky Friday. Jamie Lee Curtis! How cool is that?
4. Lindsay was flattered that she was in the top five Yahoo searches one week, until she remembered how many pervs are on the Internet.
5. Now, Lindsay sleeps with the light on.
6. Lindsay loves Dolce & Gabbana, but she wishes they would make a line of sweats so she could be stylish and comfortable.
7. Lindsay has not had surgery on her breasts. She's just naturally perky, okay?
8. One of Lindsay's first public appearances was as a bag of trash on Late Night With David Letterman, but she wants you to know that she didn't get the gig just because she was a cute kid from New York. She actually spent three nights in a bin with garbage bags to prepare for the role.
9. If you see Lindsay in a mall, it's okay to walk up to her and tell her how great you think she is. Then, respectfully walk away. She carries Mace.
10. Lindsay tells people she likes Billy Joel and Rod Stewart because if she admitted that her favourite band was Alien Ant Farm, like, all hell would break loose. I mean, there's publicity, and then there's just a pain in the butt that nobody needs, you know?
11. Ever since she started menstruating, Lindsay has had a secret life as a superhero known as "The PMS Avenger." By night, she battles rapists, anti-abortion zealots and men who pay women only 70 per cent of what they pay men for work of equal value. You don't want to know what her secret powers are. Trust me - they're gross.
12. Lindsay has a lifetime subscription to Adbusters.
13. Lindsay believes that people who freak out over words are retarded.
14. Just because she works for Disney doesn't mean Lindsay can get anybody Mickey Mouse's autograph, and she would really, really, really, really, really appreciate it if people would stop asking her to.
15. Okay, like, I don't know how to break this to you, but, well, Lindsay has a thing for Ashton Kutcher. Don't worry - it isn't serious or anything. It's just - oh, shoot, I've said too much already. Just forget it, okay?
16. Lindsay plans to study marine botany at university because she was scared...stiff at an Earth Day rally when she was really little and she wants to use her intelligence for the betterment of all living creatures.
17. Lindsay used to hate her red hair and freckles, but she's getting over it.
18. Lindsay believes that hosting the MTV Movie Awards was just like having a slumber party...for 1,000 of your closest friends in designer PJs.
19. Lindsay's dad was the basis for Jack Nicholson's character in the film Anger Management.
20. No, Lindsay doesn't believe that people who freak out over words are retarded, and she, like, totally apologizes to anybody who was offended by her saying that. It was the heat of the moment, okay? Anyway, it's not like she's running for President or anything.
21. Those pictures of Lindsay smoking, well, it was peer pressure, okay? She doesn't want you to start smoking because, well, like, it's icky. Really, really icky. And, bad for you. Okay?
22. Lindsay would never drink a carbonated beverage, but she dreams of a promotional deal with Pepsi. Or, maybe Coke.
23. Lindsay liked Tina Fey's original screenplay for Mean Girls better than the one that was produced. (But, the movie was still, like, totally cool. I mean, you should definitely, like, go and see it.) Oh, well.
24. Lindsay wants you to know that the reason you didn't know any of this is because none of it is true. By chance or design, you are reading a satirical Web page that, in this case, is making fun of teenage celebrity worship. This article was written by a middle aged, balding geek who wears glasses. Like, eww! And, like, if you're not a teenager, get help you perv!
25. Lindsay would love it if you would, like, not be so wrapped up in celebrity worship and live your life your own way. Okay?