Twenty (Irrelevant) Questions

As part of Les Pages aux Folles' comprehensive coverage of the 2004 Canadian election, we were allowed to ask the leaders of the three major federal parties 20 questions. The problem, though, was: what could we possibly ask them that they either hadn't already spoken about ad nauseam or would actually be willing to answer?

Our solution was to ask them totally irrelevant questions about things that couldn't possibly matter to the majority of the Canadian electorate. We trust you will find their answers uninformative and unenlightening, and that they will play no part in your voting decision.

Paul Martin Stephen Harper Jack Layton

(Liberal) (Conservative) (NDP)

1. Who is your favourite Stooge, and why? Moe, because the straight man role is highly unappreciated. Curly Joe, because he's often underestimated, much like I have been. Curly, because he was the engine that sparked the comedy machine.

2. Bowtie - fashion flair or fashion faux pas? Flair. Flair, much like my way with a quip Faux pas.

3. Should Don Cherry be given an Order of Canada? No, because he is loud and obnoxious and doesn't represent the best of Canada. Absolutely. Don Cherry speaks for a sizeable portion of the Canadian population, much like I do. I don't believe in artificial honourifics, so I would have to say that nobody should be given an Order of Canada. Sorry, Don.

4. What comic book character do you most identify with? Superman. Superman. Harvey Pekar.

5. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Is this a dig? Because, you know, we've been doing our best to resolve the softwood lumber issue, but the Americans are being utterly intransigent on the issue! Four cords. Of course, I cut more wood than that in an hour whenever I go up to the cottage. Not much if it was woodChuck Strahl. But, oh, we aren't supposed to mention the Conservative Party's Reform and Alliance roots, are we?

6. To how many digits have you memorized the value of pi? Isn't that what calculators are for? I don't calculate pi, but I like to eat pie. Twenty-seven, but, to be fair, I haven't had as much time to devote to the problem since the writ was dropped.

7. Have you ever wondered about Spongebob's relationship to Patrick? Uhh...he's a sponge, right? What could his relationship to anything be? Yes, and frankly I'm disgusted by it. What a sponge and a starfish do in the privacy of their own pineapple is nobody else's business. (pause) Did I really just say that?

8. If you had to go on a diet, what food would you most hate to give up? Chateaubriand. Big Macs. M&Ms.

9. Should Avril Lavigne be given the Order of Canada? Who is Avril Lavigne? Absolutely. Anybody who can make belly button baring clothes fashionable for teenagers is alright in my books! (pause) Uhh, perhaps I should qualify that... Well, as I have already explained, I don't believe in artificial honourifics, so, no, I don't think she - or anybody else - should be given an Order of Canada.

10. Do they let you drive the campaign bus? No. No. They did once.

11.What was your worst job? Are you kidding? I love working! There is nothing I wouldn't do - remember, there are no small jobs, only small workers. Camp councilor. None of the children would listen to me. I don't know why - I always knew exactly what needed to be done and gave them the best advice... Burger flipper at a Pizza Hut.

12. Rush's cover of Eddie Cochrane's "Summertime Blues" - thumbs up or down? I like to support Canadian artists whenever possible, but on this one I'd have to say the Who's version was better. Rush is a great Canadian success story - one a government I lead would encourage by slashing funding for the arts. I think it's important to support Canadian artists whenever possible, but Blue Cheer's version was better.

13. Choose a number from one to 10? One. One. Four...no, one.

14. What do you think happens to socks that disappear? I'm not one for conspiracy theories - we must adjust to the reality that they are gone. Liberal taxation is so heavy that families can only afford one sock and have to sell the other one off for medical experiments. Paul Martin kills them.

15. What is your Monopoly strategy? To fly flags of convenience on my company's ships in order to avoid paying the inflated salaries of Canadian cre - uhh, you're asking about the board game, aren't you? To buy Boardwalk and Park Place and build hotels on them and wait. Just wait... To buy Boardwalk and Park Place and build cooperative housing on them and let players who land on them pay the rent they can afford.

16. Should people be allowed to turn nouns into verbs? I wouldn't want just anybody to have that power, but, in the hands of a professional, I guess it would be okay. Only in French. Hey, that's how the language growths.

17. Would you like to be given the Order of Canada? Oh, my - giggle - that's not really for me to say... Maybe some day. But, if I am, I want to make it clear that my Order of Canada will be just as valid as Paul Martin's Order of Canada. You don't listen very well, do you?

18. Will the Blue Jays go all the way this year? All the way to the golf course, maybe. If I can be seriously contemplating becoming Prime Minister, the Blue Jays can win the World Series. I'm more concerned with children getting little league experience than the majors...but what's with Delgado, anyway?
19. What is your primary source of news? Les Pages aux Folles, of course. Les Pages aux Folles. Definitely. Uhh, has anybody said Les Pages aux Folles?

20. That's flattering, but, seriously, what is your primary source of news? Seriously? The Globe and Mail. Seriously? Fox News. Seriously? Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism. (pause) Gotcha! No, seriously? The Globe and Mail.

Paul Martin Stephen Harper Jack Layton

(Liberal) (Conservative) (NDP)

	Paul Martin	Stephen Harper	Jack Layton
	(Liberal)	(Conservative)	(NDP)
1. Who is your favourite Stooge, and why?	Moe, because the straight man role is highly unappreciated.	Curly Joe, because he's often underestimated, much like I have been.	Curly, because he was the engine that sparked the comedy machine.
2. Bowtie - fashion flair or fashion faux pas?	Flair.	Flair, much like my way with a quip	Faux pas.
3. Should Don Cherry be given an Order of Canada?	No, because he is loud and obnoxious and doesn't represent the best of Canada.	Absolutely. Don Cherry speaks for a sizeable portion of the Canadian population, much like I do.	I don't believe in artificial honourifics, so I would have to say that nobody should be given an Order of Canada. Sorry, Don.
4. What comic book character do you most identify with?	Superman.	Superman.	Harvey Pekar.
5. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?	Is this a dig? Because, you know, we've been doing our best to resolve the softwood lumber issue, but the Americans are being utterly intransigent on the issue!	Four cords. Of course, I cut more wood than that in an hour whenever I go up to the cottage.	Not much if it was woodChuck Strahl. But, oh, we aren't supposed to mention the Conservative Party's Reform and Alliance roots, are we?
6. To how many digits have you memorized the value of pi?	Isn't that what calculators are for?	I don't calculate pi, but I like to eat pie.	Twenty-seven, but, to be fair, I haven't had as much time to devote to the problem since the writ was dropped.
7. Have you ever wondered about Spongebob's relationship to Patrick?	Uhh...he's a sponge, right? What could his relationship to anything be?	Yes, and frankly I'm disgusted by it.	What a sponge and a starfish do in the privacy of their own pineapple is nobody else's business. (pause) Did I really just say that?
8. If you had to go on a diet, what food would you most hate to give up?	Chateaubriand.	Big Macs.	M&Ms.
9. Should Avril Lavigne be given the Order of Canada?	Who is Avril Lavigne?	Absolutely. Anybody who can make belly button baring clothes fashionable for teenagers is alright in my books! (pause) Uhh, perhaps I should qualify that...	Well, as I have already explained, I don't believe in artificial honourifics, so, no, I don't think she - or anybody else - should be given an Order of Canada.
10. Do they let you drive the campaign bus?	No.	No.	They did once.
11.What was your worst job?	Are you kidding? I love working! There is nothing I wouldn't do - remember, there are no small jobs, only small workers.	Camp councilor. None of the children would listen to me. I don't know why - I always knew exactly what needed to be done and gave them the best advice...	Burger flipper at a Pizza Hut.
12. Rush's cover of Eddie Cochrane's "Summertime Blues" - thumbs up or down?	I like to support Canadian artists whenever possible, but on this one I'd have to say the Who's version was better.	Rush is a great Canadian success story - one a government I lead would encourage by slashing funding for the arts.	I think it's important to support Canadian artists whenever possible, but Blue Cheer's version was better.
13. Choose a number from one to 10?	One.	One.	Four...no, one.
14. What do you think happens to socks that disappear?	I'm not one for conspiracy theories - we must adjust to the reality that they are gone.	Liberal taxation is so heavy that families can only afford one sock and have to sell the other one off for medical experiments.	Paul Martin kills them.
15. What is your Monopoly strategy?	To fly flags of convenience on my company's ships in order to avoid paying the inflated salaries of Canadian cre - uhh, you're asking about the board game, aren't you?	To buy Boardwalk and Park Place and build hotels on them and wait. Just wait...	To buy Boardwalk and Park Place and build cooperative housing on them and let players who land on them pay the rent they can afford.
16. Should people be allowed to turn nouns into verbs?	I wouldn't want just anybody to have that power, but, in the hands of a professional, I guess it would be okay.	Only in French.	Hey, that's how the language growths.
17. Would you like to be given the Order of Canada?	Oh, my - giggle - that's not really for me to say...	Maybe some day. But, if I am, I want to make it clear that my Order of Canada will be just as valid as Paul Martin's Order of Canada.	You don't listen very well, do you?
18. Will the Blue Jays go all the way this year?	All the way to the golf course, maybe.	If I can be seriously contemplating becoming Prime Minister, the Blue Jays can win the World Series.	I'm more concerned with children getting little league experience than the majors...but what's with Delgado, anyway?
19. What is your primary source of news?	Les Pages aux Folles, of course.	Les Pages aux Folles. Definitely.	Uhh, has anybody said Les Pages aux Folles?
20. That's flattering, but, seriously, what is your primary source of news?	Seriously? The Globe and Mail.	Seriously? Fox News.	Seriously? Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism. (pause) Gotcha! No, seriously? The Globe and Mail.
	Paul Martin	Stephen Harper	Jack Layton
	(Liberal)	(Conservative)	(NDP)