DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I've been in this...relationship with this...man for over three years, now. At first, it was wonderful: he would whisper sweet nothings about weapons of mass destruction in my ear and promised me that if I made him the leader of his country, he would be mine forever. Can you blame me for believing him? I mean, isn't this what every leader of the free world wants to hear?
Lately, I've been thinking that he is less than sincere in his affections for me. Friends have been trying to tell me that they've seen him in bars with high ranking officials of the Iranian government. The Iranian government! He knows how I feel about the Iranian government! At first, I refused to believe it. I mean, overheard conversations can often leave the wrong impression. But, then, my friends played me tapes of the telephone intercepts, and I had to admit that he had been unfaithful to me.
How could I have been so taken in?
Lonesome George
DEAR HEART: Oh, spare me the violins! You're probably the kind of person who would believe a man when he explained that the charges against him for embezzling millions of dollars from a bank were just "a stupid misunderstanding" or "a youthful indiscretion." Sure, and you probably swallowed his line that he had the complete confidence of his people without even checking to see if it was true! I sure hope you didn't give him control of the country's banking system on that basis!
Let's face it, dear heart: he suckered you because you wanted to be suckered. As long as you choose your dear friends on the whims of the moment without thinking of the long-term consequences, you will always have to deal with this kind of heartache. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and smarten up!
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: My nine year-old son, Kevin, is a big fan of Harry Potter. A huge fan. Well, he's obsessed, really. The only thing we can get him to read is Harry Potter novels. He saw the first movie 127 times. He saw the second movie 267 times! His room is lined with Harry Potter posters. For his next birthday, he has been dropping hints that he would like plastic surgery to make him look more like Daniel Radcliffe. Well, more like screaming and bawling his eyes out to get plastic surgery, actually. Lately, he has been suggesting that he will kill himself if we don't get him tickets to each of the first week's screenings of the film.
Really, what's a concerned parent to do?
Worried in Wiarton
DEAR HEART: Lock your son in his room until he's 18. After that, he's not your problem any more.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: What? What kind of a solution is that?
Worried in Wiarton
DEAR HEART: Puhhleaze! I'm an expert on proper interaction in social situations. If you want advice on child rearing, ask Judge Judy or somebody.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I've been in this...relationship with this...man for over three years. Recently, he expressed his displeasure with me by raiding my offices and having several of my closest aides arrested. You could say that the bloom is off this rose. Oh, yeah. Definitely.
Now, I will admit that I haven't been perfect. I probably shouldn't have...played up the whole weapons of mass destruction thing. But, I mean, you know how it is - you really want to impress the person you've started a relationship with. It's only natural. And, yes, sure, I probably should have stopped seeing Iranian officials, but, by then, the relationships were entirely innocent. We were all just good friends.
Anyway. Do you think my relationship with my special friend can be salvaged, or should I go into hiding in some far corner of the planet?
Achmed In Love
DEAR HEART: Once the trust has been broken in a relationship, it's extremely hard to win it back. Groveling and extravagant promises can help, of course, but there is no substitute for keeping your word and dealing honestly with people.
It sounds to me like you need a break from your relationship. I hear that the mountainous regions of Afghanistan are nice this time of year...and maybe for several years to come.