What the Heck Do You Know? 2004 Oscars Edition
They're like a car wreck that you can't turn away from, and we're not talking about the garish clothes borrowed from designers who should really know better. Well, not entirely, anyway. We're talking about that annual exercise in self-promotion, self-congratulation and a long lost of self-interested behaviours: the Academy Awards.
You know you'll watch it. Over a skabillion people throughout the world will. Still, how closely are you paying attention? Enough to be able to keep up with the office conversation the next day? If you're not certain, take the following survey to see if your knowledge of Oscar trivia will rival that of Phillip in marketing.
But, whatever you do, don't return completed surveys to us! We were watching a Baywatch rerun.
1) Why was Sean Penn nominated for best actor for the film Mystic River when he gave a better performance in the film 21 Grams?
a) Academy voters thought 21 Grams was a drug movie, and refused to even watch it
b) he gets to yell a lot in Mystic River, and that always gets the attention of the Academy
c) actually, Sean Penn was nominated for his work in The Falcon and the Snowman, it just took the Academy a long time to acknowledge it
2) What kept the other nominated actors from winning?
a) the voters preferred Bill Murray's earlier, funnier films
b) Johnny Depp looked like he was having way too much fun
c) Jude Law played a Confederate army deserter, and Academy voters didn't want to appear to be promoting anti-war sentiments
d) Ben Kingsley's role in House of Sand and Fog destroyed people's mental image of Mahatma Mohandas Gandhi
3) Why did Lord of the Rings win so many Academy Awards?
a) nobody wanted to see Peter Jackson blubber like a baby
b) the homosexual subtext of Sam and Frodo's relationship perfectly mirrors the covert nature of Hollywood's homosexual community
c) Hollywood is one big CGI effect
4) What should we make of headlines with Lord of the Rings jokes?
a) they're too, too precious...my precious...
b) Rings lords it over all other movies
c) my Lord, will it never end?
d) they're a hard hobbit to break
5) What was the best Oscar party?
a) the one where all the actors who played Hobbits got drunk, mispronounced each other's names and sang "Highway To Hell"
b) the one for Blond Bikini Babes Over Baghdad (like you care that it wasn't nominated for an award!)
c) the one you weren't invited to
6) Included in a montage of Hollywood personalities who had died in the past year was an image of Leni Riefenstahl. How could this happen?
a) wasn't Leni Riefenstahl a character on Laverne and Shirley?
b) you can be forgiven for being a Nazi propagandist if you revolutionize a film genre
c) no, really, wasn't Leni Riefenstahl a character in Of Mice and Men?
7) What was Diane Keaton thinking?
a) the black suit and bowler hat were her way of channeling her inner Charlie Chaplin
b) she was in mourning for starring with Jack Nicholson's backside in Something's Gotta Give
c) don't make fun of what Diane Keaton wore to the Oscars - what were you wearing Oscar night?
8) What would you like to see in an Oscar pre-show?
a) Joan Rivers losing her voice and having to mime her questions and commentary
b) Ben Mulroney ending up in hospital after accidentally bonking Viggo Mortenson on the head with his microphone
c) an announcement that the ceremonies were cancelled
9) Why did The Barbarian Invasions win best foreign language film?
a) Americans love watching French intellectuals die
b) the Academy knew Denys Arcand wouldn't make an acceptance speech, knocking half an hour off the running time of the ceremonies
c) the Academy members who voted for it mistakenly thought the film was about the American war on terrorism
10) Why did the New Democratic Party run an ad during the Oscar broadcast?
a) because after a couple of hours of Hollywood schmoozing, they figured that what people really needed was a good dose of political commentary
b) Jack Layton figured this is the closest he will ever get to Naomi Watts
c) because they knew Canadians weren't glued to NewsWorld to get the latest on the Liberal sponsorship scandal
11) Why didn't Nicole Kidman smile at any point during the ceremonies?
a) jealousy: Charlize Theron got to wear more plastic in Monster than she did in The Hours
b) she was saving it for her next performance starring as Helen in a wacky comedy about the Trojan Wars
c) she was afraid her face would crack
12) Who makes up the 5,803 members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences?
a) the last surviving member of Our Gang
b) the director of the 1937 classic Wings of the Spider
c) producers who still mourn the death of the studio system
d) all of the above, and so much less
13) How could the Oscars have been made more entertaining?
a) host Billy Crystal could have had a wardrobe malfunction
b) fashion victims get voted out of the auditorium
c) live hand grenades
14) What does Blake Edwards' lifetime achievement award mean?
a) Hollywood has finally forgiven him for SOB
b) Hollywood has finally forgiven him for Son of the Uncle of the Third Cousin Twice Removed of the Pink Panther
c) they're running out of people who have actually achieved something worthwhile in their lives
15) The Oscar ceremonies were watched over by anti-terrorist SWAT teams, and were broadcast on a five second delay. What were we to make of the promotional line "Expect the unexpected?"
a) the ceremonies wouldn't last more than six hours
b) the awards would actually be given to the people who deserved them
c) the person who coined the phrase was on 21 grams of something
16) What were the odds that somebody like Shohreh Aghdashloo would win for best actress or Djimon Hounsou for best supporting actor?
a) not very good considering how few Academy members would have seen House of Sand and Fog or In America (blame the ban on screeners...yeah...that's it...the ban on screeners is responsible)
b) weren't they a Vegas song and dance team?
c) not very good, considering how few Academy members can pronounce their names (and it's hard enough to keep track of the winners after a few drinks at a post-awards party)
17) What can you actually do with an Oscar?
a) keep doors open with it
b) keep paper neatly stacked on your table with it
c) sell it to pay for another month at the old age home
18) What would you most like to see an Oscar for?
a) best performance as a recovering alcoholic/drug addict
b) best performance as an award loser trying to hide his/her disappointment
c) oh, not another one! Please, aren't 278 Academy Awards enough for any one year!
19) How did Errol Morris' The Fog of War, about former US Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara coming to terms with the Vietnam war, win the best documentary Oscar?
a) it was more upbeat than Capturing the Friedmans
b) it had more appealing characters than The Weather Underground
c) it was more English than Balseros
20) How would you sum up this year's Academy Awards?
a) love ya, babe - let's do lunch!
b) it was great, absolutely wonderful - except for Lord of the Rings winning the award for best sound - that was a little disappointing
c) after the Directors Guild Awards, the People's Choice Awards, the Writers Guild Awards, the Golden Globes and about a dozen others, it's amazing anybody still cares!
