Corporate Malfeasance Frequently Unasked Questions Reissue

1) How can Conrad Black claim that people who are alleging he misused Hollinger funds are defaming him?
2) But, he’s threatening to sue people!
3) What exactly is Black accused of doing?
4) Isn’t that what a Frequently Unasked Questions file is supposed to do?
5) …Soooooo… what exactly is Black accused of doing?
6) Why is it taking so long for the jury in the Tyco case to reach a verdict?
7) Some newspapers reported that the juror signaled to the defence attorneys, possibly making an OK gesture. What do you make of this?
8) How do you think Martha Stewart is going to adjust to life in prison?
9) Why is Martha Stewart’s lawyer asking for a new trial?
10) Isn’t the government going after Martha Stewart just because she’s rich?
11) Sun Life Financial has just settled an American Securities and Exchange Commission investigation into alleged provision of incentives to selected brokerage firms in exchange for their promotion of MFS funds to investors for $50 million. But, didn’t Sun Life already settle for $351 million?
12) Why is former Vivendi Universal CEO Jean-Marie Messier asking to be investigated for the allegation that his company bought shares above authorized volumes in order to raise their market price?
13) Tyson Foods, the largest meat producer in the United States, is being investigated by the Securities Exchange Commission. Why?
14) But, didn’t somebody at Tyson do something to merit an investigation?
15) How could Halliburton charge the United States government $16 million for nearly 4 million meals that were never served to soldiers in Iraq?
16) Is this more or less egregious than the fact that Halliburton overcharged the government by perhaps as much as $100 million for gasoline?
17) How can Halliburton get away with such crass manipulation?

1) How can Conrad Black claim that people who are alleging he misused Hollinger funds are defaming him?

He’s forgotten the photograph of him as Cardinal Richelieu, and he thinks everybody else has.

2) But, he’s threatening to sue people!

Not to worry - that’s just Black’s gag reflex in action.

3) What exactly is Black accused of doing?

Oh, lord, you don’t really want me to go into that, do you?

4) Isn’t that what a Frequently Unasked Questions file is supposed to do?

Yeah, yeah. From now on, if you insist upon asking questions like that, I’ll be writing Frequently Unanswered Questions files.

5) …Soooooo… what exactly is Black accused of doing?

Dealing himself a winning hand in a game only he was playing.

6) Why is it taking so long for the jury in the Tyco case to reach a verdict?

One of the jurors is holding out for an acquittal. If this were a John Grisham novel, an investigation by a young but smart, gorgeous but vulnerable lawyer would reveal that the juror was paid off by a sleazy associate of Dennis Kozlowski. Explosions and bad dialogue would ensue. However, since this is not a John Grisham novel, the more likely explanation is that the 79 year-old juror is senile.

7) Some newspapers reported that the juror signaled to the defence attorneys, possibly making an OK gesture. What do you make of this?

Hot damn, John Grisham writes non-fiction! I can’t wait for the explosions, although I can do without the bad dialogue…

8) How do you think Martha Stewart is going to adjust to life in prison?

That joke has been done to death, and I’m not about to go down to Hades and cross the river Styx just to bring it back to life.

9) Why is Martha Stewart’s lawyer asking for a new trial?

Apparently, one of the jurors at her trial has been sued three times and been accused of stealing money from a Little League group, information he didn’t disclose on his jury questionnaire. This tactic may backfire, though. While the trial occurred, critics argued that it would be impossible to find a jury of Stewart’s peers, but now it appears that there was at least one.

10) Isn’t the government going after Martha Stewart just because she’s rich?

Well, duh! It’s not like poor people have access to insider information.

11) Sun Life Financial has just settled an American Securities and Exchange Commission investigation into alleged provision of incentives to selected brokerage firms in exchange for their promotion of MFS funds to investors for $50 million. But, didn’t Sun Life already settle for $351 million?

Never settle.

12) Why is former Vivendi Universal CEO Jean-Marie Messier asking to be investigated for the allegation that his company bought shares above authorized volumes in order to raise their market price?

There are two possibilities. He could just be suffering a guilty conscience and want to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Or, he could be under the impression that he is innocent of any wrong-doing. Heavy money is on the latter, but the former appeals to those with a rosy view of the world.

13) Tyson Foods, the largest meat producer in the United States, is being investigated by the Securities Exchange Commission. Why?

Newspaper editors are getting bored of running articles on Parmalat.

14) But, didn’t somebody at Tyson do something to merit an investigation?

Oh, sure, the allegations are that its chairman and other directors and officers were overpaid, but I’m getting bored of running articles on that.

15) How could Halliburton charge the United States government $16 million for nearly 4 million meals that were never served to soldiers in Iraq?

The company has taken to heart the old adage that an army should always travel light.

16) Is this more or less egregious than the fact that Halliburton overcharged the government by perhaps as much as $100 million for gasoline?

Oh, the gasoline scam was much more egregious. I mean, the company was in the Middle East! Stick your finger in the ground and it will come out coated with oil! Halliburton should have been paying the government for the privilege of supplying it with oil.

17) How can Halliburton get away with such crass manipulation?

This is the government’s brain. This is the government’s brain on the war on terrorism. Any questions?