After months of wrangling, in which untold thousands of people died, members of rich countries in the World Trade Organization have finally agreed to allow poor nations whose populations are being devastated by AIDS, malaria and other diseases to obtain generic drugs at a fraction of the cost of their brand name versions. This is a monumental breakthrough that will save untold lives.
But, what will become of the pharmaceutical companies that will no longer be able to charge market prices for their drugs in developing nations? Spare a moment to consider the plight of the Pfizers and the Glaxo-Wellcomes of the world. Insisting that they rely almost entirely on the billions of dollars of profits they net from selling their drugs in developed nations seems cruel and unfair.
In weighing the rights of multinational pharmaceutical giants to reap huge profits against the rights of people in developing nations to survive, the WTO had a delicate balancing act. To best ensure that the cheaper drugs only find their way to people who absolutely, positively, without a doubt need it, the WTO set certain conditions on what country could receive a licence to import generic drugs, and under what circumstances. These rules include:
3. Do not submit your request for a licence for inexpensive generic drugs until you have hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place.
27. Part of the documentation submitted to the World Trade Organization must be a list of all the people in your country who will be using the drug, even if they do not currently show symptoms of any lethal diseases. This is to ensure that the drug only reaches those who absolutely, positively, without a doubt need it. (Sorry, but phone books are not acceptable.)
147. Any nation that would import generic drugs must send the paperwork to a location specified by the World Trade Organization. Representatives of this nation can determine the location by downloading Where In the World is the WTO? from the Internet and playing it to the final level. Be aware that the location is changed every day, so better be quick!
198. The entire government of any country caught illegally exporting generic drugs to neighbouring countries will have to moon its population on live television for an hour every day for six months. No, years. If this show proves popular, the director will ensure that there are lots of close-ups of the posteriors of the oldest members of the government.
233. Paperwork should be delivered in a leopardskin pouch. It should be accompanied by a small vial of elephant tusk powder. Hey! - World Trade Organization officials get horny, too! If elephants are already extinct in your country, we will accept the ritual burning of an acre of rainforest as a substitute.
349. For every gram of drugs the country receives, it must buy a tonne of genetically modified wheat, corn or whatever other patented seed stock the pharmaceutical company has bought into. And, no, people in the country cannot refer to this integration of Big Pharma and Big Farma as "The Death Sciences" industry.
493. Drugs should be given to patients in boxes labeled "Children's chewable vitamin supplement."
494. Drugs should be given to patients at night, or, when this is not advisable, in dark, dark rooms.
495. Drugs should be moved from hospital to hospital or clinic to clinic without notice on an hourly basis. This is to ensure that the drug only reaches those who absolutely, positively, without a doubt need it.
588. The President/Prime Minister/Dictator for Life of the country must write an opera about the AIDS cocktail he hopes his country will receive. It should include a brilliant dance number about targeted radiation therapies and blood transfusions, and a catchy song called "Love Is an Effective Protease Inhibitor!" It must run on Broadway for not less than six months.
647. If the patient should ask where the drugs came from, the doctor should reply, "They come from the munificence of transnational pharmaceutical conglomerates! All hail [INSERT NAME OF COMPANY HERE]! Long may their profits reign!"
If they follow these few simple, reasonable rules, poor nations will be allowed access to generic drugs at reduced prices. The decision to exempt poor countries from paying market prices for life-saving drugs involved making hard choices and tough compromises, but will result in saving thousands upon thousands of people's lives throughout the world. All hail the World Trade Organization! Long may their prophets reign!