FADE IN:
"Dalton McGuinty doesn't believe that teachers should be strung up by their heels and pelted with rotten fruit until they accept provincial jurisdiction over how often they breath in the classroom. If he was elected, he would institute a 'Take a Teacher Home With You' program - just one more example of how the Liberals would mollycoddle this already overly pampered social group."
"Dalton McGuinty doesn't believe in privatizing MRI scans and other medical services. He would prefer that everybody have access to fundamental medical care regardless of their ability to pay. But, what's the point of being rich if you can't use your money to buy things people without money can't? If it were up to the Liberals, everybody in the province would get free hair care products and industrial ratchet saws - and who will pay for all of that?"
"Dalton McGuinty doesn't believe in cynical tax rebates to selected demographic groups to sway an election. He has some crazy idea that elections should be about issues - like that's gonna happen. Besides, if you look at our distortions of his positions, you'll clearly see that talking about the issues doesn't necessarily serve your party's interests."
Dalton McGuinty - still not up to the job of screwing the province.
This has been a paid political announcement of the "No Howdy Doodys Coalition" and the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario.
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
"Mommy! Mommy!"
"What is it, dear?"
"Am I gonna die because I have high cholo...chohoolo...chocolesterol?"
"Do you mean high cholesterol?"
"Yeah. That's it. Is it gonna kill me?"
"Oh, no, dear. Not since I started giving you chewable, fruit flavoured Lipitor, Jr. tablets!"
That's right, mothers. We all want our children to grow up to lead long and productive lives. But, the spectre of late life high cholesterol, with its attendant health problems, has always threatened that dream. Not any more! Chewable, fruit flavoured Lipitor, Jr. tablets are now available. Your children will love them, and they don't have to know that chewable, fruit flavoured Lipitor, Jr. tablets will help them live to a ripe old age. So, give them chewable, fruit flavoured Lipitor, Jr. to keep your precious children happy and healthy.
"Warning: may cause: hair loss; loss of appetite; loss of energy; loss of hearing; loss of feeling in your extremities; loss of dignity; at a loss for words; projectile vomiting; projectile diarrhea; constipation; bleeding ulcers; root rot; perforated kidneys; chronic indigestion; chronic embarrassment; Glutzenhacker Syndrome; the screaming Mimis; the mildly murmuring Monas; migraines that feel like a drum pounding in your head that never seems to end; addiction to Yu-Gi-Oh; cancer of the retina; rectal yahoos; low grade fever; dyspeptic ulcers; curvature of the spine; inflamed nasal membranes, and; toes falling off. Not recommended for diabetics, hermaphrodites or As the World Turns viewers. Please consult a doctor before taking."
FADE TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
"Hi. My name is...Barney. I'm an actor. I make $20 million a picture, plus a percentage of the gross. I won't tell you what my percentage is, but if you really want to know, get out a dictionary and look up the word 'obscene.' My last three pictures underperformed at the box office, but they started approaching the break-even point through foreign and video sales. Video piracy hurts everybody in the industry. My accountant estimates that I will lose enough revenue in the next five years to put a solid downpayment on Venezuela. Please, don't pirate videos."
"Hi. My name is...Jeff. I'm a studio head. I made close to $100 million last year. True, eight of the 10 movies I greenlighted didn't make back their print costs at the box office, but they started to approach the break-even point through foreign and video sales. You know, when you watch a video you haven't paid for, you cost me one one billionth of my annual earnings. And that hurts. Please, don't pirate videos."
"Hi. My name is...Lenny. I run one of the major theatre chains in your country. I made $30 million last year, plus stock options. I'm not going to tell you what my stock options are worth but if you really want to know, get out a dictionary and look up the word 'grotesque.' My company made out like bandits last year, not so much for the films we screened - eight out of 10 of which underperformed - but by the way we expanded our fleet of octoplexes while closing down the older "film palaces," maximizing our viewer flow-through and inflating our bottom line by aggressively marketing our games and concessions. We're not affected by video piracy, but we're sure it's a terrible thing. Please, don't pirate videos."
Video piracy bad - don't let it destroy the movie industry.
FADE TO BLACK