Transcript of Radio Broadcast, July 1, 2003
TOM: Friends, what do you do if your car breaks down in the middle of the Kalahari Desert? Don't panic. Drag yourself down to Tlokweng Road Speedy Motors. That's right, friends, Tlokweng Speedy Motors, where Mr. J. L. B. Matekoni and his two apprentices - who are getting better all the time - will give your car all the care and attention that you yourself would give it if you were Botswana's foremost auto mechanic. And, that's saying something. So, for all your automotive woes, remember Tlokweng Road Speedy Motors, where our motto is: "Just don't bring any of those foreign cars with computer chips in them that bedevil honest mechanics..."
JERRY: Okay, it's the seventh inning stretch here in Baltimore, with the Blue Jays leading the Orioles six to nothing.
TOM: So, it's a close game.
JERRY: You got that straight. The Jays are clinging to a six run lead - if Manager Carlos Tosca has to go to the bullpen, the Jays may as well hang up their cleats and put this one in the L column.
TOM: Tosca, Tosca, Tosca...that's Swedish, isn't it?
JERRY: Uhh...
TOM: It loosely translates as "Maker of fine canoes since 1927."
JERRY: That's a long time for one person to be making canoes.
TOM: Well, they live longer in Sweden.
JERRY: Actually, Tom, Tosca is a shortened version of Toscannini.
TOM: Of the Jersey Toscanninis?
JERRY: That's right. Father Filippe has a .278 batting average in nine seasons with various ball clubs.
TOM: What was his OBP?
JERRY: Oh, they didn't have those statistics back then.
TOM: It was a simpler time, Jerry.
JERRY: Sure. Anyway, Filippe's sons Guiseppe, Harpo and Son-Chu also went on to have big league careers.
TOM: A real dynasty.
JERRY: I preferred Dallas myself.
TOM: Arturo was the black sheep of the Toscannini family, wasn't he?
JERRY: That's right, Tom. Broke his father's heart, he did. [pause]
TOM: Still, uhh, some people like what he did with his life, I guess... [long pause]
JERRY: What a differfence a week makes! The Jays have lost five of their last six games and have gone from two to six and a half games behind the league leading Yankees.
TOM: You could say they're on a roll...
JERRY: You could, but it would be more accurate to say they're on a plummet.
TOM: That's no exaggeration, Jerry. The teams haven't taken the field, and the Orioles have already scored two runs.
JERRY: As if that weren't enough, a local newspaper -
TOM: The Star.
JERRY: Recently ran a prominent article -
TOM: On the front page.
JERRY: That used statistics to show that certain minority groups -
TOM: Inuit throat singers and Englebert Humperdink fans.
JERRY: Were not represented on the team.
TOM: Well, statistics - you know how they can be manipulated to show anything, like the earth is the third planet from the sun.
JERRY: Uhh, and your point is...?
TOM: I think the fans have the right idea: who cares what the racial makeup of the Blue Jays is as long as the team's winning?
JERRY: But, they're not winning.
TOM: Oh. [long pause] Prejudiced bastards.
JERRY: I don't think that was what the paper was getting at, Tom. It was merely pointing out that changes in the way young players are chosen -
TOM: Scissors-rock-paper.
JERRY: CUT IT OUT!
TOM: Just trying to add a little colour to the broadcast, Jerry.
JERRY: [BEEP] off with your [BEEP]ing attempt to add [BEEP]ing colour, you [BEEP]ing son of a [BEEP]!
TOM: That's another way of adding colour, I suppose.
JERRY: Anyway, I suspect the whole thing will prove to be a tempest in a teapot, and it'll probably blow over in a matter of days.
TOM: So, friends, if that's true, make sure you take bibs with you when you come out to the ballpark in the next couple of weeks.
JERRY: Bibs?
TOM: That's right, Jerry. With the tempest blowing over the teapot, I expect things'll get a little messy.
[pause]
JERRY: Okay. The teams are taking the field. The Orioles have cut the Blue Jays lead to six to four.
TOM: That Toronto lead is evaporating faster than a snowman on a griddle.
JERRY: Oh, that's an image that's gonna stay with me...
