Dear Mister Ira Nayman,
Who are you? We know from our records that you attended this University between the years 1996 and 1999, and received a PhD from us for your troubles, but since then you seem to have fallen off the face of the Earth. Have you accomplished anything of note...or, in fact, anything?
No matter. As you may know, soon after you left the faculty of Gin and Tonic, it was merged with the Faculty of Maraschino Cherries. It was a strange fit, to be sure, and the faculty expressed their discontent with the merger by resigning en masse and threatening to burn down the Edmunnson building. We were quite prepared to let them go: funding for courses in the Mixology department has dried up and, in any case, the Edmunnson building was insured.
Unfortunately, as Dean Fletcher pointed out, we had legal commitments to the students who had already enrolled in courses. Assurances that those who were mere months away from completing the necessary coursework for their degrees in Gin and Tonic and Maraschino Cherries could transfer their existing credits to a comparable degree - a Bachelor of Manhattans, say, or Pickled Onions - did not mollify them. Talk of lawsuits was irresponsibly bandied about willy nilly.
So, we come to you, an alumnus of our fine institution (please, don't deny it - we have it all on videotape), a big goofy grin on our face and cap in hand, asking for - no, pleading with all our hearts for a small donation. Please, please find it within yourself to give generously to the institution that helped distract you for so long from the concerns of the real world.
Recently, we have developed a plan whereby you can direct your donation to several worthy causes within the institution. There is, of course, the John Alhambra Allenby Fund, a semi-secret slush fund used primarily to pay for the silence of students who have had to fend off the drunken advances of the Dean of Fine Arts. (NOTE: the fund has made payments to both male and female students - the faculty of Fine Arts is justifiably proud of its non-discrimination policy.)
If you have no interest in the Fine Arts, you might consider directing your donation towards the Building Fund. While it is true that buildings are named after multimillion dollar donors, a donation of as little as $500 can get your name on a toilet stall. In a difficult to find bathroom. In a building on the outskirts of the campus. Still, you will be satisfied with the knowledge that your donation is actually giving relief to some of the best and brightest minds we could con into paying the outrageous fees to study at our fine, fine institution.
Speaking of which, another area to which you can direct your fees is the Give Us Your Poor and Wretched Fund. This is a pool of resources used to send representatives of the university to such troubled areas as Belize, the Cote d'Azure and Cannes to find underprivileged students who would be interested in studying in Canada. To date, this outreach programme has been responsible for three successful student placements, although, given the fact that it has been running for 17 years and has resulted in 32 trips abroad, it's too early to determine the success of the programme.
These and other funds await your generous donation. After all that the University has given you, surely it is only right and proper that you give something back. What? What has the University given you? To be sure, your Liberal Arts degree has no value in the real world; however, you should consider the years you spent here as an invaluable part of your personal growth. (At the very least, you have learned, through experience, the value of a Liberal Arts degree.)
We're sure your time at our University was a highlight of your young life. If nothing else, it got you out of the house and away from your parents, and who could possibly put a price on that? We can (check our Web site for current rates). For alumnae who are currently homeless (a surprisingly large number of you), we have an easy payment plan - cash preferred, but please take the penny jar to the bank for conversion to higher denominations first.
Thank you for your donation, and remember: a University education is the gift that keeps on giving.
Sincerely,