From Mad Dog to Lap Dog: British Prime Minister Tony Blair shakes the hand of Libyan dictator Moammar Khadafi while British Petroleum shakes him down. Just another shining example of government and industry working together to benefit...well, themselves, mostly.
He's Hip, He's Happenin', He's 2,000 Years Old: The Passion of the Christ is the number one movie in North America for the third week in a row. Can a sequel be far behind?
The Language Police are Taking a Doughnut Break: Donald Trump has announced his intention to patent the phrase "You're fired." If successful, how will Paul Martin deal with all of the remaining principles in the sponsorship scandal?
"From behind the rotting vegetables in a stall in Kensington Market, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor."
Well, the numbers are in and it's official: The Irrational is the most watched newscast...by 48 to 64 year-olds...who are confined to institutions...and who aren't taking their medication like they're supposed to. And it's the fine reportage of journalists like Rahul Festrunk that has brought us this popularity!
"Paul Martin released his first budget as Prime Minister. It was a photocopy of his last budget as Finance Minister, with some numbers crossed out and written over in blue ink. While some critics called the budget 'boring' and 'predictable,' Prime Minister Martin defended it, saying, 'Think of all the money we saved on printing costs!'
"In other federal news, Martin's Challenger jet was almost hit by 'a luminous object streaking across the night sky.' Drones in the Prime Minister's Office claim that he and his entourage didn't notice the encounter with an unidentified object (probably a space rock burning up in the atmosphere), but the plane's black box recorder has Prime Minister Martin shouting, 'Evasive actions, Mister Sulu!' Of course, he could just have been responding to the accusation that he moved his shipping line to another country in order to avoid Canadian taxes. From Ottawa, this is Rahul Festrunk reporting for The Irrational."
It's true that we lost a lot of viewers in the WOMBAT demographic, but apparently CTV's Nightly News in the Evening lost even more. So, although we're still number two, CTV should be afraid. Very afraid. Sylvia Ferberance knows all about the kind of fear I'm talking about, and she's not afraid to share it with our viewers.
"According to Health Department spokesperson Catherine Saunders, a hazardous form of asbestos insulation called vermiculite is not dangerous unless disturbed. One should, therefore, not discuss the Liberal sponsorship scandal with it, and under no circumstances take it to see the Coen brothers remake of The Ladykillers. This is Sylvia Ferberance reporting from Ottawa."
Okay, we've lost some ground with alienated western orthodontists, but, you know, being third in that demographic is almost a badge of honour. They probably wouldn't be interested in Anson Bergecheck's latest report, anyway.
"When Jewish homes and synagogues were defaced with racist symbols and messages, an anti-racism rally was held, attended by such notables as MP Art Eggleton, Toronto Mayor David Miller and police chief Julian Fantino. When a mosque was defaced, the Muslim community was sent a card of condolence on the death of its pet bunny. Good to see that the politicians are in complete agreement that racism must be opposed in all its forms. For The Irrational, this is Anson Bergecheck reporting from Toronto. "
Okay, from here, the ratings are all downhill, so perhaps this is a good time to give the "This is all an exercise in navel gazing that should not take up valuable news airtime" rant. Consider yourself ranted at.
The Bush administration, coming under heavy attack for its war against Iraq, has decided to defend itself. As Subaru Debutante reports, damage control appears to mean damaging the reputation of others.
"Richard Clarke has told the American commission investigating intelligence failures before 9/11 that President Bush seemed more interested in waging a war against Iraq than in combating actual terrorists. In response, Bush called Clarke a 'poopie head.' National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice later expanded on Bush's response: 'He was an out of the loopy poopie head.' Homeland Security Czar John Ashcroft chimed in: 'He was an ear droopy out of the loopy poopie head.' It would almost be charming if they were writing a children's book... This is Subaru Debutante reporting from Washington."
While the war on the home front is getting the most attention, Germaine Tims-Stimson reminds us that there is another, hotter war going on...somewhere else.
"The dead bodies of four American soldiers in Iraq were burned and mutilated, and two of them were hung from a bridge. The Globe and Mail said the mob "degrade[d]" the American dead, as if it was Donald Trump humiliating another assistant wannabe. The good news is that there's enough material for a sequel to Black Hawk Down.
"In another war-related story, papers are circulating in Washington suggesting that the United States reinstate the draft in order to have enough soldiers to accommodate all of the country's military commitments throughout the world. It is not, however, a 'draft;' it is being referred to as a 'registrant integrated processing system,' or RIPS. Obviously, 'Deterrent Enhancement About Tomorrow's Hostilities' was already taken. Having just taken my cynical pills, this is Germaine Tims-Stimson reporting from Baghdad."
Fifteen per cent... 10 albino Latino Protestants...hmm, we might have to cut ba - ahem. Are you secure in your job? Really? One of the functions of a successful news broadcast is to make viewers less certain about their lives, something Monique Moosehead does very well.
"According to a study commissioned by the Information Technology Association of America, moving jobs to foreign countries actually increases the number of jobs in the United States. Orwell couldn't have put it better. The theory is that the money saved by using cheaper foreign labour can be put to hiring additional local workers. The possibility that the money might go to increased management compensation instead seems to have escaped the report's authors. While it may be true that a rising tide lifts all boats, those who are swimming need to vigilantly watch the water for approaching hulls. From Washington, this is Monique Moosehead reporting for The Irrational."
Justice. Deaf dumb and blind, or just... Kirk Mackerel answers the age old question. (Only fifteen per cent? We targeted them with ads in their community newspapers...)
"A week after he was appointed as chair of Toronto's police services board, rumours started circulating about Alan Heisey's fitness for the office. The first rumour accused him of holding 'perverted positions.' The next rumour claimed he was 'in police opposition with perverted positions.' Most recently, an anonymous tip to a newspaper suggested that Heisey was 'in police opposition with perverted positions and bad dentition.' Hmm...if these rumour-mongers got together with members of the Bush administration, you'd have a pretty good duet... For The Irrational, this is Kirk Mackerel reporting from Toronto."
Real paintings being called fakes. Fake paintings being called real. Who can trust anything the media tells us any more? Eloise Tendentious tries to answer this question in the following 45 second report.
"A painting which was thought to be a fake for over 50 years has been authenticated as a genuine Vermeer, and will be auctioned off by Sothebys for as much as $5.4 million. An investigation into the picture 'Young Woman Seated at the Virginals' indicated that it used pigments primarily used by Vermeer, and the fact that the woman seems to be seated in front of an old-fashioned telephone switchboard was dismissed as irrelevant. From London, this is Eloise Tendentious reporting."
Later in the broadcast, an in-depth look at the corruption charges being leveled against Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. Is it time for him to build a containing wall around himself...?