"This is Andrew Thickas. I play the schizophrenic title character on the revival of the old Ceeb legal drama set in Middle Earth, Street Smeagal. I'm here to introduce tonight's lineup of fine, fine Canadian programming. What can one say about the Ceeb's flagship public affairs show, The Irrational? I, uhh, don't really know. I'm an actor. Anyway, try to sit through it without gagging."
Don't Cry For Me Aristide: Haiti's democratically elected ruler flees growing chaos after the United States and its proxies - yes, I'm talking about you, International Monetary Fund - refuse to loan the country additional funds to keep it going. Given a choice between democratically elected left-wing politicians and chaos, the US shows an astonishing consistency.
But, What a Story This Will Make: After a two month disappearance, the dead body of monologist Spalding Grey, 62, washes to shore.
And, He's Still Cooler Than You Are: Former Velvet Underground front man Loud Reed turns 62.
"From the wrong side of the tracks just outside Downsview subway station, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor.
Try to sit through it without gagging?
"I was just trying to keep things light."
Can Chester Pressman give the first report, or would you like to take a Gravol first?
"Carry on."
Thanks.
"Vancouver Canuck Todd Bertuzzi has formally apologized for mugging Colorado's Steve Moore in an NHL game. In a tearful apology the next day Bertuzzi claimed that he's really a great guy and that he was only auditioning for a spot in the cast of the Ice Capades version of Rollerball. A representative of the National Hockey League argued that it couldn't go too hard on violent players like Bertuzzi: 'If we got rid of all the goons in professional hockey, we would only have 170, maybe 180 players left - barely enough for six teams.' Only six teams? Where have I heard that before... For The Irrational, this is Chester Pressman reporting from Vancouver."
Subaru Debutante has a report on a violent attack on civilians in Spain - if you have a delicate constitution, you may prefer to turn to Corner Gas.
"Some, uhh, people died in Spain. Maybe a couple hundred. Terrorists are suspected - maybe Basques, maybe Al Qaeda - sorry, I'm riveted to the Todd Bertuzzi story. From Madrid, this is, uhh, yeah..."
Real violence, violence in videogames - as Jian Gezundheight reports, it all has the same ability to sicken those who are predisposed to -
"You don't let go of things easily, do you?"
A good journalist never stops until he gets to the bottom of a story, no.
"I was thinking more in terms of pursuing a personal vendetta."
If your show wasn't an important lead-in to the news, I'd show you just how much I -
"Due to its graphic violence, Manhunt has been given an R rating in Ontario, the first video game to achieve this distinction. In response, children all over the province have joined a religious sect, the Rockstarians, and are claiming that experiencing the violence in the game is actually an integral part of their worship. 'It worked for Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ,' one Rockstarian, who asked to be identified only as Billy, stated. 'Any amount of torture and mutilation is okay for families as long as it adds to people's spirituality.' When asked if he would play Manhunt with his parents, Billy sighed and said, 'I don't think they really understand the moral basis of Rockstarian philosophy.' From Toronto, this is Jian Gezundheight reporting."
You know, I always thought Street Smeagal was way too earnest to be entertaining.
"You know, I always thought The Irrational was way too earnest to be informative."
Wha - who do you - huff - huff - go to the next report while I hyperventilate.
"Another Canadian citizen, Arar Hal-Falar has been deported to Syria, where he claims he has been tortured. When you think about it, though, they have no one to blame but themselves. If they had looked more closely at posters in Canadian embassies in Syria, they would have noticed that the graphic under the headline "Emigrate to Canada" was a photo of a Syrian jail cell. From Ottawa, this is Rahul Festrunk reporting for The Irrational."
"While Joe is getting oxygen, I'd just like to remind you that The Globe and Mail called Street Smeagal 'almost a great contribution to Canadian culture.' Ponder that while Germaine Tims-Stimson talks about war...like he ever talks about anything else..."
"Gunfire erupted in Iraq when members of the Christian evangelical missionary group Christ the Saviour met up with members of another Christian evangelical missionary group The Saviour Christ, killing 27 and wounding over 50. 'We can't allow pseudo-Christians to push their views on the people of Iraq,' a bloodied Northrop Foggie, representing Christ the Savior, stated. Or, perhaps he was representing The Savior Christ - sometimes it's hard to tell. Meanwhile, Muslims, who make up 97 per cent of Iraq's population, were amused by airdropped Arabic versions of Chick Comics, which they believe accurately represent life in the United States. From a bunker deep in the heart of Baghdad, this is Germaine Tims-Stimson reporting."
Okay. I'm back Thank you for your patience. Strange shenanigans are taking place at the United Nations as Ian Hawdogo -
"Your ratings are lower than Stair Master infomercials."
Hawdo...aah...Ian Haw...deep breaths...Ian...Ian...oh, shi -
"Clare Short, a former British cabinet minister, has acknowledged that Britain spied on United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan in the runup to last year's invasion of Iraq. Prime Minister Tony Blair denied that the bugs in Annan's office were meant to collect information on opponents to the invasion. He claimed they were really meant to get Howard Stern's radio show. 'We don't get the Stern show here,' Blair explained, 'and that guy just cracks me up.' From New York - or possibly London, England - it's hard to tell when you've been on planes four out of the last five days - this is Ian Hawdogoatsing reporting for The Irrational."
"Yes, it was a tough character to play - my chiropractic bills were astronomical. But, it was challenging, too. Nobody who hasn't been there can know what it's like having to compete for attention with Sonia Smits' hair. But, uhh, you should probably pay attention to the following report from the always perfectly coiffed Monique Moosehead."
"Gillette recently announced that it would produce a razor with four blades for a smoother shave. Not to be outdone, Schick announced that it is currently developing a razor with 27 blades. The Schick razor will be six feet high - the user will rub his body on it. 'It'll definitely get rid of your hair,' the company press release claims, 'and any skin you manage to retain will be a delightful bonus.' This is Monique Moosehead reporting from New Liskeard."
Get this man out of my studio.
"Joe? The memo said we were supposed to engage in witty banter throughout the -"
Guards? Please...
"But - hey, what are you - get your hands off me! Joe? JOE."
Dramatic programming is so overrated. For another point of view, the always irascible T-Rex Murphy is in a high state of dudgeon...whatever that is...
"I can't believe that John Ralston Saul has sold out global trade in an article published in Harper's, an American magazine. The way he writes, you would think pro-globalists eat third world children in pagan rituals! For your information, transnational corporations are not responsible for the incidence of bedwetting in Nigeria, Mister Ralston Saul. Haliburton doesn't force Africans to get buzz cuts and sing bad show tunes like Elvis. Exxon doesn't make Saudi Arabians watch Bruce Almighty until they accept Jim Carrey as their personal saviour. Rupert Murdoch doesn't -"
T-Rex?
"What?"
Have you actually read the article?
"Read the article? I wouldn't sully my poor brain cells with such a fatuous -"
Ahh, but, if you haven't read it, how can you develop an opinion about it?
"The editorial board of The Wall Street Journal hated it, and that's good enough for me! From Toronto, this is T-Rex Murphy."
It's been a year since the American invasion of Iraq, and unanswered questions remain. Will Iraqi women be satisfied with a choice between 57 varieties of lipstick, or will they actually want some say in the political life of the country? Was Iraq the right war for the wrong reasons? Or the wrong war for the right reasons? Or a war that wasn't quite right but wasn't entirely wrong for reasons we cannot even begin to imagine? Later in the broadcast, Irrational correspondents who covered the invasion return to Iraq to answer questions hopefully more intelligible and relevant than those written by the show's publicist...