Toronto Suffers From Mad Comedian Disease: Conan O'Brien tapes a week of shows in Toronto. Mike Bullard has to comb jails for audience members for his talk show. On the positive side, Triumph, The Insult Comedy Dog makes Don Cherry look like an ambassador for good French/English relations.
What If God Is His Co-pilot Wasn't Just a Metaphor: an American Airlines pilot asks Christian passengers to raise their hands. The airline denies rumours that, along with "Smoking or non-smoking?" and "Window or aisle?" it will ask passengers if they want to sit in "Christian or crazy non-Christian?" sections.
Finally, Truth In Advertising: In the advertisement for the new Adam Sandler movie, 50 First Dates, Drew Barrymore has a blank look on her face. This must be a reflection of her state of mind when she signed on to star in this turkey.
From behind the display of big chocolate hearts - now marked down 30 to 60 per cent because Valentine's Day was yesterday - in a Laura Secord near you, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor.
Ian Hawdogoatsing recently broke up with his wife of 17 years, but you would never know it from the professionalism with which he filed the following report.
"Auditor General Sheila Fraser released her report on government spending this week. Most of the press' attention has been focused on the $100 million funneled to five Quebec advertising firms as part of the governments' $250 million sponsorship programme, most of it likely fraudulently. However, the report also explores the government spending $101 million to buy two new jets for VIPs even though there was nothing wrong with the VIP jets the government already had. 'I know men who are going through a mid-life crisis often buy sporty new cars,' Fraser wrote, 'but they usually use their own money to do it!' Meanwhile, representatives of jet maker Bombardier expressed disappointment that their scandal wasn't getting more air time. 'How much does a Canadian company have to scam to get some ink in this country?' one asked. From Ottawa, this is Ian Hawdogoatsing reporting."
Rahul Festrunk hasn't told his parents that he lives in Montreal's gay ghetto, but that hasn't stopped him from...uhh...taking this joke - that's right, joke - in the spirit in which it was intended. And, if you're listening, Mister and Misses Festrunk, all of us here at The Irrational are sure the 52 year-old reporter will bear you many healthy grandchildren.
"Canada has a Prime Minister who understated his company's financial dealings with the government by a factor of 1,000, a woman who wants to be leader of the opposition even though her primary strength seems to be that she wears Armani suits well and a corrupt former Member of Parliament whose appointment to Denmark couldn't get him far enough out of the country. Chinese acrobats looking for an asylum have certainly come to the right place. From Toronto, this is Rahul Festrunk - who is not gay, no matter what Joe Anchor thinks - reporting for The Irrational."
Denial is a terrible thing, isn't it?
Jason Petersburgovitz is so busy traveling the world for stories, that he hasn't had a serious relationship in over a decade. And, yet, as the following report indicates, he hasn't lost his romantic side.
"American President George W. Bush asked for the world's help in curbing the spread of weapons of mass destruction. He seemed to be unaware that the United States is the biggest producer and exporter of arms in the world - perhaps this was another intelligence failure. Not to be outdone, White House spokesman Scott McClellan called continued questions about Bush's military record during Vietnam 'gutter politics' by people 'trolling for trash for political gain.' As opposed to the ethical witch hunt the Republicans conducted into Democratic President Bill Clinton's sex life? Do they not have mirrors in the White House, or are they sitting shiva for the death of the American dream? With a song in his heart and a jaunty grin on his lips, this is Jason Petersburgovitz reporting from Washington."
Subaru Debutante has had a crush on me since she was 12, but I've had to maintain an icy exterior in her presence in order to ensure that our relationship remained completely professional. As this report shows, she has taken it well, although inside she still pines for me.
"Vice President Dick Cheney has acknowledged that he took Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia on a duck hunting trip, but denies he was trying to influence the Justice's decision to overturn a lower court's decision requiring Cheney to reveal the names of his energy task force members. 'Scalia just needed a few more frequent flyer miles to get a new Hibachi,' the Vice President stated, 'and I just wanted to help him out. When somebody is called upon to consider the weightiest matters in the land, you don't want him to be distracted with the worry of singing his eyebrows on an old barbecue.' A real humanitarian, the Vice President. For The Irrational, this is Subaru "Joe Anchor Kisses Like a Cold Fish - Uggh" Debutante."
She's a real trooper.
Monique Moosehead has been happily married for eight years, now, but she can't help but wonder if she would have been happier staying single and having drunken orgies in the hotel rooms out of which she lives. No, Monique, speaking as a former correspondent myself, I can tell you that you wouldn't have.
"Roots is closing its only Canadian garment factory and moving production of its clothes to China, or possibly Vietnam, depending upon who offers the lowest wages and poorest working conditions. The famous Roots beaver logo will be changed to reflect this new reality: it will now be skewered by a samurai sword. This is Monique Moosehead reporting from Toronto."
Eloise Tendentious may look like an elderly, frigid old bat, but, actually, when she was younger...she...uhh...was a frigid young...well, it's never affected the quality of her reporting, anyway.
"The United States has Fox News, talk radio and The National Enquirer. But, who is responsible for debasing American culture? According to Vanity Fair, Canadian Bonnie Fuller. Hmm. Looks like somebody has watched the South Park movie one too many times... Reporting from New York, this is Eloise Tendentious saying The Irrational is hosted by a Nosy Parker who should mind his own beeswax!"
Truth hurts, doesn't it, Eloise?
"Aww, put a sock in it!"
One person who never shies away from the truth is sports stud Chester Pressman, even if he has to use Viagra to satisfy his various groupies.
"The National Hockey League is considering changing its rules to make the game more exciting. Among the proposed changes: goaltenders will now be able to sew razor blades into their pads to deter opponents from checking them behind the net, and instead of being dropped at center ice, the puck will be shot out of a cannon to begin play. There is no word on whether Norman Jewison was consulted on any of the changes. From Toronto, this is Chester Pressman reporting."
Outspoken commentator Humphrey Puffy's sexuality pretty much speaks for itself, just like everything else about him.
"Okay, okay, maybe Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction. But, can anybody doubt the world is safer now? Oh, sure, Al Qaeda has regrouped while our attention was focused on Iraq. But...uhh, sure, we looked the other way when Pakistan was found to be selling nuclear secrets because they were our allies in the war. And, yeah, over 500 Americans have died and thousands have been wounded in Iraq, where they continue to be targets. But, hey, Saddam is gone, so that's...uhh, good, anyway. From a dark corner in our Toronto studio, this is Humphrey Puffy."
Funny, isn't it, how people who would never apologize can still be apologists?
Later in the broadcast, diet guru Dr. Robert Atkins weighed 258 pounds at his death. While his backers claim he gained the weight during the coma he was in for the last eight days of his life, at least seven other diet authors are claiming that long-term comas and other prolonged periods of unconsciousness are perfect methods to lose weight...