Bigotry Reels From a Body Blow: a Canadian Alliance motion to define marriage in traditional terms as a union between a man and a woman is narrowly defeated in Parliament. "This was a victory for tolerance, fairness and change," Alliance leader Stephen Harper bitterly comments.
Bigotry Comes Back Swinging: Christians are urged to defeat a motion adding sexual orientation to a list of prohibited categories of discrimination with the argument that such a move would turn the Bible into hate literature. "Best two out of three?" Harper hopefully asks.
Every Picture Starts With a Negative: Durham MPP John O'Toole says that negative advertising in the Ontario election is a strategic mistake, that the government's record should speak for itself. For those who remember O'Toole giving the finger to the opposition, as he did on video, the record is loud and clear. Funny how it seems to have a mind of its own when it speaks...
"From the tunnel between the Bloor and Bay subway stations, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor."
As you may have read in last week's newspapers, our attempt to add a little humour to the newscast was roundly panned. Not only did we lose a third of our core audience, but at least 23 people claimed that our attempt at comedy was the most important factor in their decision to renounce all their worldly possessions and join monasteries. In light of this reaction (which, if nothing else, seems to have brought Canadians together in a manner not seen since the 1972 Canadian hockey team's win over the Russians), we have decided to return to a serious news format.
We start with Anson Bergecheck, who has the latest news on the Ontario election.
"A recent Ipsos-Faktos poll of Ontarians shows that, if the provincial election were held today, 49 per cent of the population would vote Liberal and only 35 per cent would vote Conservative. This is a change from last week's EekaMouse poll, which showed the Liberals ahead by a mere 43 to 41 per cent margin, and the R. U. Kidder Co. poll the week before which indicated that 98 per cent of Ontarians intended to vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger. (According to its methodology, this last poll was accurate to within plus or minus 90 points zero times out of 20, and nobody paid it much attention). Tory leader Ernie Eves smiled bravely and said, 'The only...only poll that - SOB! - the only poll that counts is...is...is the one on election - SOB!'
"Election watchers believed that the dismal poll results would lead to an increase in Tory negative campaigning. Sure enough, in an email, a representative of the Eves campaign called Liberal leader Dalton McGuinty 'an evil reptilian kitten killer from another planet.' In response, well known bon vivant and tyrant around town Darth Vader stated: 'I know evil reptilian kitten killers, I've worked with evil reptilian kitten killers, and I can tell you that Dalton McGuinty is no evil reptilian kitten killer!' From Toronto, this is Anson Bergecheck for The Irrational."
It was probably an attempt at humour - we all know how well they turn out!
And, speaking of things turning out badly, war correspondent Germaine Tims-Stimson has the latest on the American war on Iraq.
"First, there was an increasingly obvious lack of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Now, President George W. Bush has conceded that there is no evidence of a link between Saddam Hussein's Ba'ath Party and the Al Qaeda terrorists responsible for 9/11. What next? An admission by the administration that Hussein loved kittens and treated his mother-in-law with respect? And, will Americans - 70 per cent of whom believe in the non-existent Iraq-Al Qaeda connection - accept images of Hussein in a cardigan with a pipe in his mouth, giving advice on romance to the Beaver? These are, indeed, dark days for the Bush administration. For The Irrational, this is Germaine Tims-Stimson in Washington."
Could things get worse? You have to ask? Monique Moosehead gives us the latest economic news.
"Yesterday was a banner day for the economy. Former WorldCom chief financial officer Scott Sullivan was in court to enter a plea on charges of fraud. Theodore Sihpol, a former Bank of America broker, was charged with larceny and securities fraud. Three of the four biggest accounting firms in the United States were accused in a lawsuit of overbilling clients by hundreds of millions of dollars for travel-related expenses. Accounting firm PricewaterhouseCoopers resigned as auditor of income trust Specialty Foods Group, raising serious questions about this tax dodge. And, Richard Grasso resigned as chairman and chief executive officer of the New York Stock Exchange after it was revealed that his executive compensation topped $140 million.
"Well, I feel good about the Bush administration's efforts to restore confidence in the economy. This is Monique Moosehead in New York."
...what? WHAT? I don't care what we agreed upon, I want you to sell all of my shares in International Die and Doohickey! Yes, a - I know I'm going to take a loss! Better to get out now than lose the whole - ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? I TOLD YOU TO SELL THE FU -
"In, uhh, other business news, free trade talks in Cancun, Mexico collapsed because of a demand by poorer nations that rich nations actually practice free, uhh, trade. In agriculture. Oddly, at the same time the United States announced that it was going to set up a team within the Commerce Department to investigate accusations of unfair trading practices by other nations. In response, the World Health Organization put the world on an orange-flavoured irony alert, saying there is so much of the rhetorical device in the atmosphere that the lives of lab rats everywhere are threatened. For The Irrational, this is still Monique Moosehead, now in Cancun. Joe...Joe?"
I'll be ruined. I'll have to sell the condo in Calcutta. I -
"JOE!"
Ahem. Yes. Well, clearly the economic news has serious repercussions for all of us. Well, almost all of us, as the next report indicates.
"The American government has requested $87 billion from Congress to help rebuild Iraq, on top of a proposed $103 billion tax cut, the cumulative effect of which would require massive cuts in social services that affect the poor. Defending the government's fiscal priorities, Senator Rick Santorum, a Pennsylvania Republican, stated 'Making people struggle a little bit is not necessarily the worst thing.' Obviously, making heavy Republican supporters like military contractors and the rich struggle a little bit would be the worst thing. I'm Eldred Cleavuntoer reporting from Washington."
But, our friends to the south aren't the only ones making economic news, as Friends on our television clearly shows.
"CanWest Global is planning to charge $190,000 for a 30 second advertising spot on the last episode of Friends, which it simulcasts in Canada, which could earn it a record $11.4 million. And, if it does take in that much, it has vowed to plow back a whopping $29.95 into a fund for original Canadian programming. What can you get for that money? Thirty seconds of a prime time drama or half a season of Canadian Idol. For The Irrational, this is Jian Gezundheight reporting from Calgary."
Yes, it's good to have Friends, or even friends, as the latest news from the American telecommunications industry proves.
"The drive to have all American media owned by a single corporation was stalled when the Senate voted in favour of a resolution that would roll back Federal Communication Commission rules that would have allowed increased media cross-ownership. Nobody at (no longer AOL) Time Warner was willing to comment on the move, but the flag at company headquarters was flying at half-mast. 'I got an American citizenship for this?" Rupert Murdoch bitchily commented. President Bush is considering a veto if the measure passes the House of Representatives: 'Corporate consolidation, corporate conschmolidation,' he stated, 'as long as I get my reruns of Hee Haw, the system is working just fine!' This is Eloise Tendentious reporting from New York."
Alberta Premier Ralph Klein told a meeting of western governors and premiers that "any self-respecting rancher would have shot, shoveled and shut up" when confronted by a cow with bovine spongiform encephalopathy. Good advice for politicians who have stayed beyond their best before date? We'll have a lengthy report later in the broadcast...