Burned: Fire devastates British Columbia. "I'm looking out my front door," one resident said, "and all I see is...my...front...door. The rest of the house went up in smoke."
Spurned: The US government calls cheap prescription drugs from Canada 'dangerous.' Since most of these drugs were approved by the American regulatory process and/or manufactured in the US, does that mean the government is actually condemning its own Food and Drug Administration?
Some People Never Learn: Former Quebec Premier Jacques Parizeau told the Bloc Quebecois caucus that the party should push for sovereignty in the next federal election. This prompted the vital question: "Is he still alive? Really?"
"From below the site at Yonge and Dundas where politicians who learned nothing from the power outage want to erect a five story electronic billboard, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor."
Actually, this is Eloise Tendentious filling in for Ian Hawdogoatsing, who is sick of being on leave, who was filling in for Joe Anchor, whose helicopter disappeared over the jungles of Nam and is missing, presumed irrelevant.
He covers the justice beat, he's light on his feat and he's at his best when he turns up the heat. Kirk Mackerel is here with a report that probably isn't nearly as clever as my intro...
"An immigration adjudicator has ruled that there was no reasonable grounds for the federal government to detain a Pakistani man, throwing into doubt its recent detention of 17 other Pakistanis and an Indian whom the government says could, maybe, possibly, perhaps, I don't know - let's take a flyer on this one be members of an Al Qaeda sleeper cell in Canada. Said one government official, who preferred to remain unnamed, 'If we don't show the Americans that we can arbitrarily arrest people on suspicion of being Arab, they won't believe we take their war on terrorism seriously. And then...really bad things could happen.' Well, I certainly feel safer. For The Irrational, this is Kirk Mackerel."
First, it was SARS. Then, the power outage. What could possibly happen to Toronto next? You hadda ask? Anson Bergecheck has the 411 on 416.
"Alien craft swept over southern Ontario last night, laying waste to parts of Windsor, Barrie and downtown Toronto. Premier Ernie Eves went on live television to tell citizens that there was nothing to worry about, that the government was in complete control. The message was somewhat blunted, however, when he was encased in a green goo that rendered him motionless. Opposition leader Dalton McGuinty commented that he hoped Eves would not let the fact that he was covered in green goo give him an excuse not to call a provincial election. Then, he was transformed into a small goat with an uncanny resemblance to Howdy Doody. New Democratic Party leader Howard Hampton was nowhere to be found; critics of the NDP commented that the only way he would miss a photo opportunity of this nature would be if he had been buried under the rubble of Queen's Park. From Toronto, this is Anson Bergecheck."
Still at Queen's Park, on a lark, in the dark, we -
Eloise?
Joe Anchor? We all thought you were -
It will take more than a country full of mosquitos and bad plumbing to keep me away from my responsibility to introduce the news!
But, I was just starting to have fu -
I'll take over from here. After the alien invasion was decisively repelled, business at Queen's Park returned to normal, as Anson Bergecheck later reported.
"Ever have one of those press conferences? Premier Eves did this afternoon. Asked about his position on the issue of same sex marriages, he said: '...why would I interfere with that? That's my personal view." When he was reminded that a substantial number of Tory supporters are religious folk who oppose same sex marriage, he said: 'I have always believed that marriage was a union between two heterosexual people - a man and a woman.' When somebody else pointed out that a man who was living with a woman who was not his wife shouldn't prohibit anybody who wanted to get married, he said: 'I have always been a live and let live individual. It's not for me to impose my beliefs on other people on any subject. What two people do is entirely up to them.' Is his position clear? Not to worry - there are still many months before an election. From Toronto, this is still Anson Bergecheck for The Irrational."
Treason...patriotism...as Subaru Debutante reports, it can be such a fine line...
"Half a dozen American Congressmen met with Prime Minister Jean Chretien to ask for Canada's intervention to stop their government's insane war on drugs. Upon their return to the United States, they were immediately arrested and taken individually to dark rooms where they were fed nothing but tofu and veggie sticks, and forced to watch an endless loop of David Spade movies. It is rumoured that the Congressmen were also subjected to repeated viewings of Arnold Schwarzenegger campaign speeches, which isn't banned by the Geneva Conventions, but certainly should be. It's a good thing the situation wasn't reversed - Canadians undoubtedly would have been much harsher to politicians who sought the help of foreign nations to subvert their government's policies. This is Subaru Debutante in Ottawa."
The war on Iraq is over, but the triumphal press releases go on. And, on. And, on...
"Last week, American troops captured Ali Hassan al-Majid, better known as 'Chemical Ali,' a particularly vicious member of Saddam Hussein's government. This supercedes the announcement the week before that American troops had captured Chemical Ali, an announcement two weeks before that that intelligence clearly showed that Chemical Ali was vacationing on the Riviera under the name Harvey Lipschitz, an announcement July second that Chemical Ali was spotted serving tacos with Elvis at a truck stop 27 miles west of Memphis, and, of course, the April seventh announcement that Chemical Ali was 'Dead, dead, deader than a doornail, dead.' The Pentagon has not seen fit to retract any of its previous announcements, so why should we? From Baghdad, this is Germaine Tims-Stimson."
Give a man a whale and he'll have enough for a family of 12 to eat for an entire winter. Teach a man to hunt whales and, as environment reporter Indigo Skye recently found out, you'll have an international incident.
"Iceland has lifted an 18 year moratorium on whale fishing. Gunnar Johannsson, captain of the vessel Sigurbjorg explained, 'We are carrying out an experiment to see what will happen when you pierce the skin of a whale with a harpoon.' When one journalist suggested that the whale dies, Johannsson sniffed and responded, 'And, what research do you base that assessment on?' From a cabin in a vessel somewhere on the high seas, this is Indigo Skye reporting for The Irrational."
The news from the World Trade Organization was so good, that both Irrational health reporter Sylvia Ferberance and trade and commerce reporter Monique Moosehead wanted the assignment. In the end, we settled the issue the only way that seemed fair: with a nude mud wrestling match. This is the result...
"It is rare that good news comes out of international trade negotiations, but that's what happened when the World Trade Organization announced that a deal to allow poor nations access to cheap drugs had been reached. Okay, the conditions were so stringent that it may have turned out to be impossible for any nation to comply with them, but the agreement did hold out hope that AIDS, malaria and other diseases that have devastated developing nations would finally be brought under control. One cannot overestimate the importance of...what? What do you mean, 'More consultations are required?' The WTO executive was expected to rubber stamp - I don't want to hear about a last minute hitch! I had a feel good story, dammit! I - sob - had a feel good - SOB!"
I hate it when they cry.
Two thousand years later, the death of Christ is still controversial. And, as Eloise Tendentious reports, this is not a case for the Cold Squad.
"Mel Gibson, who believes Vatican Two was the worst thing to happen to the Catholic church since the end of the Inquisition, has made a film about the last 12 hours of the life of Christ. (I could have continued hosting The Irrational - I was giving it a funky edge.) The film, based partially on scripture and partially on reports of Caroline von Bingwingdingham's visions of Christ sipping mai tais in the Sinai, reportedly blames Jews for Christ's death." (I mean, there's a reason this fuddy-duddy old news show skews older, you know?) Gibson denies the charge that the film will incite anti-Jewish hatred, opting for an explanation along the lines of a 'some of my best friends are Christ-killers' defence. (Let's face it: our audience is going to be kicking off soon, and then what -
Uhh, we'll have more on that story later in the broadcast.
Vice President Dick Cheney's former employer Halliburton Co. may land a $1 billion contract to help rebuild Iraq on top of the $1.7 billion in contracts it has already been given. Most politicians faced with this type of conflict of interest would recuse themselves from being involved with making the decision, but Cheney seems to have found a different approach: recusing himself from the government altogether. We'll have a full report on the empty suit sitting next to President George W. Bush at official White House dinners later in the broadcast...